It pierces my ears,
It cuts into my eyes,
The blood refuses to pour.
It shatters my heart,
It cuts into my soul,
My wings are burning and sore.
Far in the distance,
I can hear you scream.
You call out the painful names,
Of the friends who played you,
The feelings that slayed you
And the forever continuing games.
The Shattering Melodies
Of years long past,
Cut and break into my mind.
The screaming won't end,
Forever I'll spend,
My life in this horrible bind.
Your screams are the worst,
The cuts and the thirst,
Are things I simply brush off.
The pain I can take,
I won't cry for your sake.
My comfort means nothing at all.
But for you to feel pain,
It drives me insane,
I slam my head against the wall.
The voice in my head,
Of things I once said,
Are causing my everlasting fall.
So God, rid my head,
Of the screams of the dead,
Please God, end it in peace.
God, while you're at it.
Reduce all the static,
Of your Shattering Melodies.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Holy buckets. Tell me you're going to publish your poetry someday because it's relatable, beautiful, you're rhythm is awesome, and, quite frankly, it's perfect.
Hi, defying gravity! This is a very well- written poem and I liked it. It flowed beautifully and I had a good time reading it. I love love how use have put things figuratively and they did work out very well. I admire your choice of words and writing style.
My favourite stanza would be:
"Far in the distance,
I can hear you scream.
You call out the painful names,
Of the friends who played you,
The feelings that slayed you
And the forever continuing games."
Once again I loved your poem and look forward to reading more of your work.
- Anshira; Ink Force.
Hello!
I'm here with some criticism, so take it with a grain of salt.
In the first stanza you use the word “it” a lot. I think it would be less repetitive and would help the flow better if you got rid of at least two of them. I’d suggest tossing both of the ones before “cuts.”
Speaking of the “cuts,” you seem to use it a TON in this poem, along with a few other words like scream, shatter, pain, etc. I think if you reduced the frequency of these words, and maybe replace them with some visuals. Instead of saying that something is shattering, maybe describe how all the pieces of that thing are scratching up the floor or something. Use more concrete imagery.
Also in the first stanza, you have a little rhyming problem. In all the other stanzas your rhyme scheme is: ABCDDC. But in the first stanza, you’re missing those two “D” rhymes, the ones that are right next to each other, so your first stanza’s rhyme scheme is: ABCDEC. You should fix the “It cuts into my soul” line so it rhymes with “It shatters my heart.” Otherwise, the rhyming in this poem was pretty good.
I like the ending lines. I think they really round out the poem and bring it full circle.
As the reader of this poem, I am kind of confused as to what’s going on. All I know is that there’s screaming and bad feelings and a lot of general emotion going on, but I know nothing concrete. I can’t relate to this poem on a personal level because I’m not actually experiencing all these things. You say the screams are the worst, but as the reader, I don’t really know how bad they are. As a reader, I dismiss all these emotions as an overreaction to something. This poem reminds me of “emo poetry” as defined by many people in this thread. (Granted this poem is a billion times better than a lot of their examples, but the general feeling I get from your poem is similar.)
This isn't to say you can’t keep this subject of pain and screaming and all, but the best way to turn this kind of poem into a really, really fabulous and relatable poem is to use concrete images and metaphors.
Keep in mind, metaphors are to be used with a lot of care. You have to remember that metaphor all throughout the poem, and allude to it as many times as you can without being redundant. I think the title of your poem would be a good thing to make a metaphor out of. As it is now, I don’t really see any sort of melody or music in your poem except for when you mention it expressly. I think it would be good to use a metaphor to describe these “shattering melodies” within this situation that the narrator of your poem is in. I hope this makes sense to you, if it doesn't, it doesn't quite make sense to me either, so don’t worry. ^_^
You use some nice words in this poem, and with a little bit more direction, this poem could be absolutely wonderful!
I hope this helps.
Keep writing!
~fortis
Okay. Yeah you've reviewed my poetry before with similar complaints. So I apologize. This was supposed to be a ballad. Granted, a very dark ballad, but the point of it was so that you couldn't understand it fully. Although I'm sorry I made it so difficult to understand that you couldn't relate to it. The Shattering Melody was the screaming. The idea of this poem was that The narrator is in a place you don't know, but the reader is supposed to assume they are tied up or can't move etc. And this person had to listen to someone they love scream and be in pain. In the last stanza when I use the line "screams of the dead" it was supposed to indicate that this person passed away. Although the person is dead, the narrator is still tormented by the pain they had to watch, so the narrator asks God to end it in peace, so the screams will go away. I see what you meant by the repetition. Thank you for your review, it was extremely helpful. I hope my explanation helped you understand better. As for the rhyme scheme, it was supposed to be trippy. Thanks again!
Oh yes, now it makes more sense. That's a pretty cool idea, calling the screaming the shattering melodies. Now if you could convey this to the reader without this explanation. Maybe other people get it quicker than I. I tend to miss connections that aren't blaring, but so will the general populace that may chance upon your poem.
And no need to apologize, we're all learning. ^^
Hello! I read your poem, The Shattering Melodies, and thought that it was well-written. I thought that you did well rhyming your poetry and that it gave the poem a nice flow while reading it. I have little criticism for this because all your punctuation and grammar looks good. But don't trust me because I have no right to be the "Grammar Police". The way that you made the reader visualize your emotions was perfect. I can't really see anything wrong with it so this might be an ideal poem. Keep writing! Whatever caused you to write this poem though? For whatever reason, I'm glad to see you submitted it.
Thanks and... I don't know. I guess it was based around the idea of loving someone more than you love yourself, how when someone has those feelings for someone (whether romantic or not) you would rather die than see them in pain.