When will all these thoughts
these perplexities, like grains of sand on an oceanside-
make sense?
Like an arm caught in the intricate web of a spider-
Cogitations muddled again.
A lifetime that would have been spent dreaming
has become a lifetime spent arranging dreams.
For in reality they must be fathomed.
But in fantasies
I'd dig inside my skull
pull out my brimming mind
and lay it down for you to see.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,398 Literary Works • 673,156 Reviews
Jack here for a review on your lovely little poem here!
I think your writing is something I want to look up to, you have written an intriguing piece, with many good lines, that really make this piece what it is. There isn't any words I would change around, there isn't really any thing I would change at all except for one thing.
Your setting makes it really hard to read, and makes me loose were I am, I feel like I am always re reading lines, which one is annoying, and also very frustrating. If you didn't have the lines all in different spots, it would make it better I think. Also this is just one giant stanza, maybe spilt it up into two or three stanzas, though I guess that is up to you.
But anyway I really like what you wrote here. It was a short and sweet poem, and I hope to read more as time moves on. Thanks for sharing this lovely poem with me, and remember always keep writing. It is a thumbs up from me!!
Have a great day!!
Jack
Hello!
I'd still have to say that my favorite part is those last four lines. 
I'm sure you'll do great with this in the contest! 
Great job on this, and keep writing! 
I have read the original Dreamer's Lament, and you did a great job editing this!
~Snazzy
Stay Awesome
Very interesting.
I found it dark, reflective and searching.
I had to re-read it a few times to really appreciate what you were trying to achieve but I love the way you finish with the fantastical and almost subservient "lay it down for you to see".
It's haunting in a way and I like it, thanks for letting us inside your skull!