When asked, "what is your best-loved memory?"
I think to myself, what an exhausted question.
But, being formal in conversation,
I will respond.
It isn't a 'traditional' response, per-se.
I will tell my acquaintances, peers, friends and so-called friends
What nostalgia I feel
When asked, "what is your best-loved memory?"
I remember long summer sittings on the red steps
Outside the old house.
Rocking on the porch swing with my father.
When the sun set low behind the buildings
And neighbors crept back into their homes.
We stayed out.
He smoked a cigar just how I liked,
Until the whole street smelled like him.
When the sun was finally masked
I skipped among the grass
And tried to catch firefliess
As they waltzed right past me.
That was when summer was longer.
Ice water was colder.
Smiles were wider.
It hasn't been the same since the nights
When the fireflies danced.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Hey, it's Neverland here to review your poem.
I really liked the idea of this piece. You put the right amount of emotion into this piece but not too much that it was a sensory overload. I liked all of it, the start, the middle and the ending.
Your grammar was excellent, I couldn't find anything wrong with your spelling and your idea is close to perfect. But in saying all that I did have a problem with it. I felt that the idea that you have here doesn't really suit a poem, but more of a short story or maybe even a prologue - of course if you were to do something like that you would have to elaborate a tad. But it isn't like that needs to happen for this to be good. It's already fantastic!!!
I'd try to pick a favourite line but, that would be close to impossible.
Keep up this simply beautiful work and I hope to see more of your pieces in the Green Room, waiting for a review or two. Good luck with your writing adventures.
~Neverland.
Ah, the good old days...
This poem was pretty good! I do have a few nitpicks though:
"Formal" doesn't sound right to me. "Polite" sounds more fitting. I know both words mean the same but to me, "formal" sounds like someone is doing something as a custom (which is what you mean), but there is a lack of, emotion, for lack of a better word. The rest of your poem is about your fondest memories, which must be told with a lot of emotion, and when you say you "formally" describe this to whoever asked you, it seems like you're telling it to them flatly.
Think you just accidentally put a period after homes when it should be a comma. Otherwise that fragment doesn't sound good.
I know you're trying to say that you're used to seeing your father smoke a cigar whenever the summer sun sets, but again, this doesn't sound right to me. Maybe have it be like: "He smoked a cigar until the whole street smelled like him, and somehow I liked that..." This also opens up more things you can talk about, elaborate on this memory.
This poem is a bit short. Kinda makes it seem like this isn't your fondest memory, else you'd have a lot to say about it. Of course, I don't mean that you have to write pages and pages and cover every single detail, but still. It should be longer than this.
Your theme, at least what I thought your theme was, is as overused as your question: "Why aren't things like before?" You did try to explain your complaints, but as they are right now, they're pretty shallow because they're vague. People are less friendly, there's less time to enjoy life...
These are valid reasons for why you don't like the present, but you could add more emotion.
Good job for a quickwrite though.
Keep at it,
-Haven
Okay, good. I think the beginning did not start off as clear as it could have of, but the second part of your poem was really well done. I really like the story and emotional response the person was having. It was an emotional poem without sounding over emotional or forced. Really liked your poem, your good