The Noise

Hello, Iron. I was going to rescue this from the green room, but it looks like someone beat me to it. That doesn't mean I can't review this lovely poem.

I really like that you made the choice to leave out most punctuation. While a capital I is correct while referring to yourself, I wonder if you changed this I to a lowercase i, would it create the illusion that the narrator is smaller than this noise? Perhaps experiment and see how you like it.

I was unsure about the wording of the second line, but then I realized I kind of liked it that way. It's as if your sanity is the pool and this creature is drinking from it. If you didn't mean that image to come to mind, take out "at". That was my first instinct.

The third line is awkward as well, but does not bring any images to mind. The real subject of that phrase is the cut rather than the knife, so it would sound better if you said "the cut of a jarring knife" or "a cut jars me, the knife sharp."

The fourth line is rather interesting. While most people talk about the sun breaking the horizon, because the time is midnight, I imagined the sun actually breaking, and I thought it was a lovely image.

The next stanza feels a little lackluster to me after all these wonderful images. Perhaps play off of the sun breaking open in the previous stanza and have the sun drip the poison all over your skin instead of just these specific places. Don't some noises make your skin crawl?

The last two lines don't really do much for me. I feel like the way they're put together is a little archaic. Also, why doesn't the narrator just go ahead and cry? I think that would make a more effective statement. Try wording it something like this: "and I am crying; / the world loves you." Even in poetry, it pays to be direct.

The last thing I'd like to talk about is the overall theme. Your work is titled "The Noise" as in a specific noise, yet you don't talk about it. If you had just titled it "Noise", I would have thought you were talking about the chaos happening all around you, or something similar. A metaphor for society. However, we don't have that here, we have the confusion over whether this noise is a literal noise or an event that is happening to the narrator. I suggest you give us more specific details that will allow readers to get a little more insight into how the narrator is feeling. Obviously it's not a good feeling, but it is strange that the world loves this noise and the narrator hates it. It makes me burn with curiosity.

Altogether, you've done a lovely job. I can't wait to see more good things from you! Happy poeting!

Hey theironnovelist! CaptainSaltWater here with a review for you!

I really like your poem. Though just a couple nitpicks. First off, I would use capitalization and punctuation. Punctuation as in here.

filling my ears
my head
my mouth

Instead I would put

filling my ears,
my head,
my mouth,

Also here,

you torment me in secrecy
you hurt me in the dark.

Try this

you torment me in secrecy,
you hurt me in the dark.

Same thing here

and I wish to cry
for how the world loves you so.

to

and I wish to cry,
for how the world loves you so.

Otherwise, great job. I really love the metaphor in this line.

you drink at my sanity.

Great job! I want to see more of your poems. Don't give up and always write, theironnovelist!

-CaptainSaltWater

The power of noise. This piece delivers how hard it is to collect your thoughs under the effect of said predator. The piece flows even though the speaker is struggling to keep his/her mind at bay.

the piece ends on an almost tragic note. the world adores the source of the speakers pain and confusion, leaving the speaker almost helpless. when it comes to noise- aren't we all?

your writing is fluid and filled with quality. The only thing I can say is that I would love poems such as this to be longer - so there is more to enjoy.

Thank you for this lovely piece.

Brandon Walker.

The rhythm of the poem is a little off, but the structure is still great. Nice job!