Carry me with cupped hands
Like you would a crystal gem.
Tend my wounded mind
Or leave me fighting for breath.
I plead- keep vigilance.
I feel vastly as the distance from the stars.
My passion is vicious
But if you wish to,
Take the fire to the tips of your fingers.
Fashion me,
And I won't resist melding to you.
But know that my heart is perilous.
Don't break its paper-thin walls.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Now this is really great! And yet another amazing poem from you, my dear, though that wasn't anything that I wasn't expecting, considering that you've amazed me already. I could just review poem after poem from you! I'm always looking forward to everything that you come up with.
I love the way you describe things; feeling "vastly as the distance from the stars", "my passion is vicious", and "paper-thin walls" are all great. Your imagery is beautiful, and you use just the right word choices and phrases to ensure that we the readers understand what you're trying to give us. Imagery can be hard for some poets to get across, but it's fundamental for the foundation of a poem, and you know just how to use it to the best of your abilities.
The structure of the poem is also good. It flows well and doesn't have any interruptions. I'm able to read through it without feeling like I'm being stalled. I also like that there's a single line in the middle of the poem, with two lines in the rest of the poem all around it. It makes for a unique set up.
I'd really like for this poem to be the one you enter in the contest. It looks like a real winner. I give it a 10/10. Keep on writing!
I really appreciate having someone review so much of my stuff! Thank you so much!
Okay,
So I've read this poem after reading the original and may I just say...
Wow.
Like I said before, you really do have a gift with words; you can manipulate them to your desire and shape them to create a beautiful picture. I love the message that this poem contains, and the themes of both beauty and vulnerability create something that is powerful - yet deeply intricate.
As before, there are no spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors in your work; it really is perfect. Please keep writing, I look forward to reading your other pieces of work, and feel free to take a look at mine.
priceofwords
thank you ! I reviewed your piece Chaos in the Mind
I know - thank you very much, I will certainly take your advice on board
This, was amazing! Rainbow here, I'm going to review this by your request.
Okay, this was badonculous! I love it so much and I could find no way to edit OR improve this in anyway and I LOVE LOVE LOVED IT! The only thing that could make this better is if you used another way to describe the 'walls' of your heart than paper. Because all this time you're talking about a gem. Do gems have paper walls? Maybe you could use another word like opal, because its a delicate gem and easily cracks.
Other then that WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY CAN I SAY SOMETHING
((professionalism Rainbow))
on a scale from one to ten this was a 99 and this was no typo 1-10
you scored a 99.
Looking forward to reading more!
Iron Novelist, one thing that I love about the classic poets' poetry (Robert Frost, Robert Browning, Emily Dickinson, Christina Rossetti, and many more) is the wording. They all lived in a time where everyday words were a lot classier and professional, words that would sound very very weird if said today. But those old-timey words make their poem so much more beautiful. I want you to know that you did what they did. You used words no one uses, which made it so much more lovely and professional sounding. You actually gave me the idea of using a thesaurus for future poems I'll write XD. It was kind of shocking to me when I read this that you sounded so much like those classic poets that everyone knows. Very great job on that
For your first poem, this is splendid. I love this probably more than pretty much any of my poems. And the meaning behind it is also beautiful. It might be a love poem, but it can be seen as so much more than that. It shows passion, and maybe not in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, but maybe a relationship with Christ or another religious figure, or friends, or just the human race in general. I truly love this, and I hope you choose to write more poems in the future.
thank you so much buddy
I really appreciate it...
it was inspired by feelings as I read through old journal entries and as I had been reflecting how fragile my heart felt at times. especially this past week. Glad it can be seen through the eyes of others as something more!
That was so cool! I loved the way you described the heart as having "paper-thin walls". Very descriptive of you!!! I also loved the similes and everything else you described. And believe me, you did describe a lot!!!! Keep writing poems!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you so much
You are so very very welcome. *bows deeply, nearly topples over*
hahaha XD (do you think YWS should get rid of these creepy smiley faces and replace them with normal ones?)
Hmmmmm......Some are ok, some are just plain creepy.
quite.
Yep.......Actually, I take it back. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE EXTREMELY CREEPY!!!!
Hello! It's Brunnera here to review on your work ^_^
Reading this aloud, your poem was wondrous; in flow, in steady rhythm, in word usage. Since this is a revised version, I appreciate that your work is nearly flawless. I don't think there's anything to change or alter about it. Brilliant similes, description and short, powerful sentences.
The single line in the centre of the draft, "My passion is vicious", since it was in italic form, I read it out as a fast, warning hiss, and that's exactly the kind of technique a poet should have. To be able to convey correct emotion and message to the reader without saying too much. That's a job well-done.
Oh well, I shall repeat that I found nothing wrong with this. It was a marvellous poem to read. I swoon for romantic poems xD
~Brunnera
wow, thank you! as my first poem on YWS, this is very encouraging
Hey there! Its me AnimeGirl here to give your lovely work a review!
Please follow me into this review.
I find your poem interesting, its a good one that i reread a few times. I like to flow of it, it was very nice. Any way for this review I'm going to start off with the good then go to the things i think you should improve on.
The things i liked about the poem are your punctuation, capitalization, and the way your broke everything down. Your poem is just the right length and it has just enough detail and thought in it. I love this poem, its meaning comes out at you.
I really dont have anything i thought you should change, add, or modify. The poem over all was really good, i don't have any thing else to say about it. Great job!
So anyway very good on the poem. I hope to read more from you!
Keep writing!
~AnimeGirl
thanks so much!