Potions (Imperfections)

This is beautiful in it's own way. There's a deep meaning in just a few words which by itself is beautiful and inspiring. I love it. But the part that says "I drink the potions they give me One to make me act right One to make me pretty" I'm confused on what you mean by the one to make me pretty because I've never heard of a pill or anything that makes you pretty. Sorry this is kind of awkward. But I do love it ~The Written Girl

Whoa! This is so cool!
Yup, I'm back. Still rolling with the Earth Benders to review!

This poem explains life so perfectly! You're so good at channeling emotions not only you, but most people, feel or have felt into words and rhythms. This poem speaks to me so much. It explains things I go through daily and have gone through on drastic scales in the past. It always feels like there's one person to try to make you be someone you don't want to be, to make you do something you do not want to do. And they don't stop until you give in. They want you to be like them and do what they do. I think we can all agree that it's one of the worst things a person can go through.

It's fine the way it is, but if you want, consider adding the needed commas and periods in the second and last stanza. I'm not sure if your lack of end punctuation is symoblism, or you just didn't want them, but either way it works.

I think 'to love you' would be better combined with the line before it, but it's not a big deal. I just think it may make the last line's placement stand out more. Just a though

I L-O-V-E your symbolism in the last line. How the poem is all to the left, but then it's like BOOM, imperfection, which is the whole point of the poem! Very creative and epic!

Thanks for sharing your art on YWS

-Pendr of the Earth Benders

Hmm, I think the problem here is that you have two statements that can be linked, but lack any unifying factor - I mean, they are connected, but in your poem you jump from "perfection" to "mistakes" too quickly, so while there are parallels drawn, but that's it. I'm not sure if you're attempting to draw links to the irony of perfection juxtaposed against the idea of loving imperfections, or the idea of perfection itself, so I think you need to be a bit more explicit (at least with yourself, not necessarily within the poem) about your intentions in order to convey a point.

That said, there are some of the ways I think you can explore this a bit more, but these are just ideas, really. Instead of "act right", etc., maybe detail these out, name specific things - like, what characteristics are being suppressed/enhanced and why/how. Or, if not that, because I do rather like how simple this is, maybe look at something a bit more concrete, other than "act right" for the second line? "One to make me pretty" works well by itself, I think, even though it's vague. But "act right" is a little too subjective, I think? I mean, I know "pretty" is as well, but the former in that stanza is too abstract, I think. Pretty has more generally accepted norms, I think (both historically and generally culturally), so it's easier to leave it as is.

Just a note: do you mean "renovation"? It's an odd word choice, and definitely brings the idea of rebuilding and retrofitting, rather than correction or covering up. If that is what you mean, then use more imagery that goes along with it! It doesn't quite go with the idea of "potions," or some kind of chemical fix, so I'd look at what image you want to stick with, and keep it consistent. It does fit rhythmically, though, so I can see the temptation to leave it ^^

On your last line, did you purposefully repeat "you"? If so, why? Offsetting it sets it apart plenty, I think, to not warrant the repetition. If you read it straight through, there is no pause, so it's jarring - if you were to either take out the repetition, or add a comma after the first "you" I think it would work better - but in that case as well I'd also not offset the line.

Interesting piece! I like the simplicity, especially with a topic that has been covered in many different facets and is so complex. Let me know if you have any questions!

Mesh

Oh wow. This poem really packs a personal punch, which is enhanced by the shortness and sweetness of the poem. You know how to use your words and your lines and you use them well, my dear! Let's get on to the body of the poem now.

The first stanza is powerful on its own with the repetition of "one to make me". You leave the definitions for "right" and "pretty" vague, to give the reader a chance to fill in the blanks. Some people might say that's being too vague, but I think that it's just right. I enjoy poems that leave me thinking and give me some creative room to work with.

The second stanza I wish was a little longer, or perhaps had been pushed in with the first or third stanza. I really don't think it should've been it's own piece, unless it were a little longer. It just feels very bare bones, and I think that there's work to be done there. Don't feel bad, though, everyone has stuff to work on!

The third stanza is just perfect, especially with the white space between the second-to-last and the last line. The ending line is perfect too, as it's something we all wish: that we'll find someone who loves us, and all of the mistakes we make or will make.

To finish up, I think this is a beautiful poem. While the second stanza needs work, I really did love the whole thing. I give it a 9.5/10. Keep on writing!

Oh... It's sad when you think about it, isn't it? That poor girl...

But anyways, aside from the emotional hit of such a short poem, which was stunning, by the way, I'm curious about a couple things.

What exactly are the potions? And who are they? Does this take place in the future, when such things actually exist, or is it a metaphor for society today?

The rhymes are very nice, because they're almost subtle. I didn't notice how perfectly this rhymed until my second read-through. (I like medicine and renovation best.)

I'm not sure why exactly you chose to space the last line so far out when it is a continuation of a quote in the previous paragraph. It sort of breaks the continuity.

Anyways, though, very pretty little poem. Made me think, which is impressive considering how short it is.

Me likey. Me have no idea how to review poetry. Me leave it alone. Me leave it for someone else.
Me muy likey. Me likey message.
Me is going to review some more
-rissyroohrahSHARK.BAIT.HOOHAHA