I was told as a child
That when darkness swallows the sun,
Stars switch on their nightlights,
Soft bulbs shorting out with hum.
That faes were there
To catch the terrors before they crawled
Deep into my head and
Woke me while I called
Leave! Let me be!
Yet still they returned nightly
For the fairies to ward off
As the demons, they fought tritely.
But now that I've grown,
So my terrors have too.
They mask as white beauties
And at times carry through
All the while to morn's first light
When the stars give out, retire to sleep
Your nightmare stays with me,
Its haunting ever deep.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Hey @theironnovelist ,its Cynder. Thought I should just say a few things, and don't worry they're not bad. Please keep writing, because as someone who knows nightmares, and knows that even though your parents tell you they go away, I know they are still there. Your words are true, and I can feel the emotion behind them. Thanks for posting these poems, they really brighten up a day. So.. keep writing. Thanks for the short journeys through your works.
wow; it's so encouraging to hear someone likes what I'm doing. Thank you so much:) I appreciate it
Hello theironnovelist, Tay01 here to review your little poetry. It has a strong little meaning. I have not been on YWS for like three weeks or so, and I really wanted to do a come back. And since i is review day, well, I thought today was the day. And you made a god and happy start for me with your wonderful poetry here, "Daybreak Nightmare." Now, let's stop wasting time and straight away jump to the point, shall we? Since there is nothing else left to blabber about. After all, this is a review and a literaly work for young writers, not a chat centre for friends. So, let's start!
I really liked this on-going poetry. As I have mentioned, it has a strong meaning. However, this part does not seem to flow really well:
That is pretty much it. Hahah! Short review. But a good start up. Sorry if you thought this was too short. But it is good enough.
Keep writing and HAPPY REVIEW DAY!!!
Regards,
~~Tay01.
Hey there! CaptainSaltWater here with a review for you!
I really like this! Except you say it does rhyme, but in the first stanza,
I was told as a child
That when darkness swallows the sun,
Stars switch on their nightlights,
Soft bulbs shorting out with hum.
Sun and hum doesn't rhyme. It sounds like it does, but it is nowhere near rhyming. Also as what fruit4you said, which was that this stanza.
That faes were there
To catch the terrors before they crawled
Deep into my head and
Woke me while I called
It throws everything off. It didn't flow very well with the rest of the poem. Otherwise good job! Don't give up and always write!
-CaptainSaltWater
Happy review day!
thanks! yes 'sun' and 'hum' are "near-rhymes", which are seen in poetry more often than you might think at times. I might try to find a way to reword it
Fruit4you here to do a review! So all in all it is good, but your rhythm is a bit off.
"That faes were there
To catch the terrors before they crawled
Deep into my head and
Woke me while I called"
So the second line throws the whole stanza off. I also feel like some words did not flow in your poem. Sometimes I pause in the middle of a line, which I'm supposed to pause at the end.
But those are minor issues. I love it for the most part. Perhaps tweak it here and there. Editing does wonders!
Keep Writing, Fruit4you