The middle of autumn is
a very good time for
uninspired births to take place.
Spring and winter babies
are not the same as
mid-autumn babies.
I found this out
as my days began to reflect
the grey September skies.
When mothers began
bundling their children,
I wrapped a jacket 'round my heart.
While the older I grew
the less I felt alive,
I still retained a sense
of physical being.
But my blood was running
with the veins of dried leaves.
Stuck.
Slow as the way coldness dies into sun.
Numb as a head, exhausted.
I'd like this mid-September birth
to be swallowed in pumping blood.
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139,787 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hello, theironnovelist!
While I like these lines, I don't feel like they have a place here. You don't really need to talk about different babies, only babies born in mid-autumn.As always, imagery and emotion are the strong points in your poem. This poem, though, is lacking a little, I feel. It's bogged down. Here, let me get you out of that muck.
I have to agree with Curiosity227: the line break at the end of the first line isn't doing it for me. While it does create momentum, it also gives me this broken off wishy washy feel. I would aim for breaking it on a stronger word than is. Perhaps just ending it on autumn would be better.
Same with the second line. Ending on "for" is a different choice, but I feel like it weakens the poem. End it one word earlier.
I feel like the first and second stanzas take too long to take off. They linger on dullness rather than allowing the reader to feel what the narrator is saying right away.
Similarly, you should cut this out:
Whenever I think of September, I never really think about the skies being gray. Rather, I think of the lingering heat from August suddenly becoming a biting wind that slowly creeps under your jacket and surprises you with its bitterness. I understand that you probably associate September with these gray skies, but I don't know if it's the right image here. The bitter wind image that I suggested would also lead more smoothly and logically into the idea of mothers bundling their children.
The second to last stanza is too telling. Rip that sucker out. The last stanza will transition nicely if you reword it a little.
You use a different tense in the last stanza. Throughout the poem, you use past tense, but here you use past progressive, and while they're both in past tense, I think you should say "my blood ran" rather than "was running" just to increase grammar continuity.
But dang. That ending was nice. It really made me pick up what you're putting down.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
The symbolism and thought behind this poem is amazing, and I especially enjoyed the diction that you used to portray a certain tone to your readers. Other than what other reviewers have already sent, I don't see anything else wrong with it. I'm not a mid-autumn baby, but through the position you take on this poem, I can identify.
I especially liked the part
"When mothers began
bundling their children,
I wrapped a jacket 'round my heart."
As a person who also suffers from a seasonal type of depression, it just.. speaks to me. It represents a certain type of loneliness and longing that I've felt for so long.
Wonderful! This is fantastic, and keep writing! I love that you incorporate aspects of your own life to writing - it's a good way to express yourself healthily.
Kat <3
Ok.
First sentence.
The middle of autumn is
A very good time for
I think here you should make it like this:
The middle of autumn is a very good time for,
Uninspired births to take place.
Like that. I losses balance when you make it two sentences.
This is really good besides that sentence.
To be honest, I do not really see any mistakes. So well done.
And WHOA! Congrats on all the toooonnnnnnnnns and tooonnnss of other work you did.
NIce job. Really, keep up the good work.
Farwell, and good luck, young writer.
Curiosity227
Hello. Kanome here with a review.
I would like to personally say, that, I don't know how it feels to be a fall baby, but I do know what depression feels like (since I am going through depression and anxiety myself).
I like this poem because it expresses your role in the society. It expresses your current feelings. I love poems that show expression in oneself.
I only have one nitpick though:
This line ...
Just take out the word "While" - It doesn't feel like it belongs.
Other than that, this was a great read. Very emotional.
Keep writing.
I can't wait to read more of your work.
Kanome
Considering this is a mirror of your struggle, you did fine. This is very gold and touching. I'm a fall baby9,i love the fall. Its the most beautiful time of the year and also depressing. The changing colors is stunning. The dreary rain and cold winds can be maddening though. Writing is a great way to relieve your soul, embrace the talent you exhibited and keep up the good work. Very nice, I'll be following for more.