NOTE: a few words are in brackets because I'm debating changing and/or removing them
rays of sunlight beat down on beige sand
which warmed between my toes.
we stood facing each other so long
(that) thick moss grew onto the trees
before I finally drew my sword.
you let me take my time and revel
in the impeccable standard of blade I held,
and waited again for such a time
I felt safe to turn my back.
then all it took was a dark word to be spoken
before the whole sky went black
in wallowment and mourn,
and the beaches swirled around us;
I like a wounded [knight]
and you a lion with a roar more bared than its teeth.
when I fell back onto the pillow of fragment rock
I knew not I was dying--
for then you bent over me
requesting I pick up the silver sword.
then was when I gazed to my side to seek it.
but barren was the ground beside
and full were your hands with power and pride.
"This battle was fated not by evil lips, but yours,"
you spoke as your face dissolved from sight.
in its wake was the wisp of nothingness
while the seas calmed
and the sky lit up again over a soul left cold.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Most intriguing, I must admit. However, I'm gonna go out on a limb, and say that this isn't just about the devil's sly ways. But instead about people who you considered friends. First you meet them, and you're a little on guard. Though, as time goes on they don't really do anything to harm you so you subconsciously warm up to them, and when you least expect them to they attack full force leaving you heart broken. They ask to stand up once again, because they don't want you stay like that, they just want to see if you'll continue to stand even after you've fallen. When they see that's the case, it's their time to leave. Of course the other version is that after who knows how many arguments you guys have you eventually cut that person out of your life. But it's bittersweet in the end, either way, because in the firat version you realize that person was just looking out for you, and in the second version you feel empty because you no longer have anyone. Then again maybe I'm way off, and I've been watching waaaaaay to much CW11. Keep calm and write on!!!! =^_^=
Hello theironnovelist,
Myjaspercat here for a review...
"rays of sunlight beat down on beige sand
which warmed between my toes."
---I think if you say 'which feels warm..." the lines would flow a little better. But still this is a great opening.
"we stood facing each other so long
(that) thick moss grew onto the trees
before I finally drew my sword."
--- Couple things for these few lines:
a. I think it might be better if you add 'for' after 'other', it just sounds better to me.
b. I think you should keep 'that' it works quite well.
"before the whole sky went black
in wallowment and mourn,
and the beaches swirled around us;"
---I really love the description here.
"I like a wounded [knight]
and you a lion with a roar more bared than its teeth.
when I fell back onto the pillow of fragment rock
I knew not I was dying--
for then you bent over me
requesting I pick up the silver sword."
--It may just be me, but I think that this part of the stanza is confusing with what else you have written. Maybe you could make it clearer.
"then was when I gazed to my side to seek it."
---This reads rather odd.
Overall you have a nice piece here. I hope I helped enough, I haven't written a review in a while so I am a little out of practice. Have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Hello Theironnovelist,
I like this poem. It is very dramatic from the beginning to the end. It does irk me though that you left out capitals at the beginning of some sentences but not at others. I would consider editing that. As for the bracketed words. For the first one I would suggest changing the line to, "layers of thick moss blanketed/covered the trees". For the second one I would suggest changing "knight" to "warrior" or even "lion-tamer". Also the last line seems awkward, because I can't tell if the person died or not. Maybe revise that one?
Overall this is a great poem, I think the title should contain "Devil" but not in the way you have it. Something like "Conversation with the Devil" or "Battle with the Devil" seem a little more dramatic that "Speaking".
Good job on this poem, and as always keep up the great writing!
-Incohesive Scribbles