petrichor-- the smell of wet weather; the smell of prolonged rain after a period of dryness
somewhere in the back of my mind
is a part of me that wishes she could live
in a place where the rain never stops falling;
where streets are always clean
and the air smells like newly washed hearts,
heavy with the weight of old sin.
when people stay within locked doors
and I am free to refresh in the cleansing rain
as long as my weak spirit needs.
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126,958 Literary Works • 672,943 Reviews
Thanks for teaching me a new word! Petrichor...I had to google it. Anyways, I loved your poem because reading it was like a refreshing wave of hope and peacefulness washing over my mind. My absolute favorite part was the two lines in the middle stanza that said,
This part was simply beautiful. One part in your poem that I found a bit confusing was the first two lines. You seem to switch from talking in the first person to the third person.
Since the rest of your poem is in the first person I would suggest changing the second line to say "is a part of me that wishes I could live". Here is one more part I found confusing too:
In the stanza above you had addressed that the air smells like newly washed hearts. How could it smell like that if people stay within locked doors? That part just seemed a bit contradictory.
Anyways, good job on your poem! It flowed smoothly and your word choice was pretty. Keep writing!
Okay, bad news first. There were a lot of punctuation mistakes, but I think Savvy already covered that. Besides that, everything was cool! The description was perfecto, as so was the wording. Every time I review a poem, I look for two major things, and let me tell you what they are. 1) Feelings: You had this right on the spot. I could feel your feelings through this piece of art. They were vibrant and true. Cool too!
2) Wording: Like I mentioned earlier, you did a good job of this. The wording seemed neatly placed, and accented the rest of the writing.
Have a great day! BYE!
This was an awesome poem, short, but awesome. You did a wonderful job too. Good luck and keep on writing! And may you find a four-leaf clover today (or tonight depending on your time zone).
~Laelle
Hey ironnovelist~
This was pretty neat; simplicity has always been something that I've struggled with as a writer, so to see someone execute it so flawlessly is a relief. However, there are a few things in your piece that seem to contradict one another:
Up until this point, I think the metaphor you've created with the term "petrichor" is consistent and relatively smooth-flowing. You describe the air as smelling of "newly washed hearts", indicating that they've been cleansed by something or other. As the reader, I'm inclined to assume that the heart is rid if sins and doused in innocence. But then you add that these same hearts are heavy with the weight of past sins. These two ideas kind of collide with one another. Maybe you were going for the imagery factor, where normally, in being washed, the object becomes heavy with water. But if the water symbolizes the sins, then it would be difficult for me to comprehend the fact that the sins would be washing the sins. Like a plate washing a plate, or a sponge washing another sponge. The imagery isn't really there.
Going backwards a little bit
This tickles my brain, like an itch I can't scratch. I don't know, something about it is strange. Say it aloud, and maybe you'll get what I mean. You could try,
"Somewhere in the back of my mind,
a part of me wishes she could live"
just omitting the "is" and the "that" to let the words roll off the tongue a little better. But, your choice.
In the first stanza, you refer to a "she", a character in the poem whom I have no clue about. I can't imagine her, I don't even really have any idea why she's included or where she came from. It's like you just kind of threw her in there. Not in a surprising kind of way, but more of a bewildering way, like I'm missing something. You leave me hanging by never returning to her, as if she faded in and faded out so quickly that I barely had any idea she was even there. Instead, towards the end, you start describing yourself, and how you feel free and refreshed, though in the beginning of the piece I was led to believe that that the piece would be about your wish for this girl to live in this innocent world. You don't bring it full circle. It's like a topic sentence in a thematic essay that doesn't have anything to do with the actual theme of the body. Either bring her back, or leave her out. Don't put in pieces of the wrong puzzle.
You have a way with words. I've read several of your other poems, and you seem to have a natural ability to convey what you're trying to say to your reader in a way that your words wax poetic. This talent is a gift; I wish I had such a talent. Don't waste it by remaining within your comfort zone; step out and go beyond the minimum of your ability.
As a reader, I tend to advise poets to incorporate more imagery into their work. This isn't really because it's a rule in poetry that you must make your reader feel what you're feeling; truly, poetry has no rules. No boundaries. It's because that's what I look for as a reader, something that evokes emotion, something that not necessarily plants a specific picture in my mind, but something that plants some kind of picture in my mind. Poetry can be enigmatic; in fact, I love enigmatic poetry. Just not so much things feel out of place.
I think that with a few revisions and developments, this can be phenomenal. I admire you for abilities; don't fail to take advantage of them.
Yours,
Savvy
Okay, so this poem made me learn something new. Petrichor, I didn't even know that that was a word, let alone the word that described the smell of a a wet, damp say. So, yeah, that alone made me happy. I finally know what I can call the smell. So, thanks for that
. Okay, onto the review.
The first paragraph is a very good opening to a poem. It allows to to get the idea of what is going to happen/ be talked about in this piece. The opener of a poem is sorta like trying to impress a boss at an interview for a job. You want to make a good first impression, so you tell something that is pleasant and can describe you a little. It's sorta like a good first impression. Weird... but it works in my mind. So, your first paragraph was a really good opener and really grabbed my attention.
The second paragraph is really the glue of the poem. It keeps everything together. You do a really good job at doing this. It is more detailed than the first paragraph, but gives room for the ending to be the real finale. It's a perfect balance of detail and broadness... if that makes any sense at all.
Finally the last paragraph... the closer. This paragraph is supposed to the be the thing that's supposed to make you ask a question or leave you hanging or end with a bang. This one ends with a bang. It is almost refreshing to read. It's perfect!
Overall, great job on your poem. I hope that my review made sense. If it didn't just know that i loved it and that it was very well written! You have insane talent!
Keep writing bro.
~#41