One is haunted by memories of the past.
Two is cut down by the one she holds fast.
The third stands and watches
And wonders as she does,
"How do I move on; and assure that love lasts?"
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Hi again! Still here on behalf of the Earth Benders!
I just wanted to read this after reading your revised version to see what you changed and which I liked better. Honestly, this one would be great except for the rhythm of the last line. It may just be me, but I think the second part breaks the rhythm, and it might be better if it were two lines. But, wait. I now see it rhymes! Never mind! Everything is fixed when it rhymes! Just kidding, but it does help. I'm not sure which I like better- they're both so good!!
"YWS is blue,
Our team is green.
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-The Earth Benders
Whatever it is you did here is wonderful to my ears. It truly does sound like a violin to me and the emotion from that exceeds a majority of even well written poetry.Although, on an analytic level this is rough. You need both to have a good poem in my opinion.
This is cliche. Take a second to think of the phrasing 'haunted by memories' and the theme memories in the past. It has been done to much and thus the emotion is taken out of it.
This is a forced rhyme thus awkward and confusingly ambiguous. If it were a symbol that were ambiguous then that is okay but the confusing part of this is simply the words do not make sense together. You should fix it or cut it out.
Too many words. You could say this in less words and pack more meaning. It might not seem so but words come at a great cost in poetry. Also, the 'and' repetition does not flow well, it just seems grammatically wrong when I read it.
One, the quotes are unnecessary. You said she wonders not that she says out loud. Secondly, "and assure that love lasts" is again confusing because the words do not make sense together.
Who ever knew 5 lines could hold so much thought, emotion and meaning? I was slightly confused with the rhyme scheme of this poem. In all honesty, rhyming lasts with past and fast from previous lines didn't really make sense to me. But other than that, I think this is great. It's a very simple theme but it got me thinking much more than a lot of poems with a hundred lines ever have.
Aww this is lovely and thought provoking
Bravo
I really like how you wrote this poem. It is short, but is just vague enough to leave mystery. It talks about a lot of things that may affect other people, or they have gone through. Its has a nice sorrowful, dramatic voice to it that sparks thought.
It was short, but it held so much in those few lines. Nice. I enjoyed it
To be honest, I don't have any issues with it. I contemplate about the rhyming -but that doesn't bother me. "How do I moved on and be reassured of love?" would likely be how I would end it (it creates a different flow), but I can understand the importance of "past," "fast," and "lasts." These three words possibly add more to your poem.
So... good job and keep writing!
Nice work. But i would love to see a few more lines in Your next poem. you have a great sense of vocabulary, and helps you to make Your poems more better.the best thing about your wring is keeping it simple,dont change it. God bless