Drums play the rhythms of
ancient rain dances
in my head.
So I stare out the window,
tracing my finger in circles,
and wait.
[Spirit of air,
I am parched like a dead rose.]
To my wonder, now
a droplet floats to kiss
the glass.
It leaves its wake in an unsteady path,
and the circles of breath and fingertips
stand alone to be ruined;
by rain,
rain abundant as stars.
I smell it deeply,
while the coolness seeps through
my pores;
and I have become fond
of how mechanical
a prayer can be.
A/N: The lines in [ ] indicate a place I'd especially like revision. Fire away:) Thanks!
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hello!
Let's take this stanza by stanza, ja?
I love your title. It's what drew me in in the first place.
First stanza:
I like the allusion to ancient tribal rain dances. While I don't know much about these rain dances, I kind of wish that there was more specific details about them, but it's okay the way it is. Like a fading sound of drums in the distance.
When I first read this, I imagined someone like, drawing on foggy glass. But you don't say that, so I'm left wondering if that's what is really happening. How else can one trace one's finger in circles? Well... maybe just in the air? On a paper? I'm not sure, but I think that line could be improved.
Stanza 2:
I like the allusion to wind spirits, kind of like air elementals. I'm not sure about the second line, however. Why parched, in a poem about rain? Also, roses (even dead ones) are so cliche to me. If you're going to keep that line, pick a flower that is less common in poetry. I love using unexpected flowers like asphodel or cosmos, even clover.
Stanza 3:
The "to my wonder" seems like a strange phrase. Something about the whole sentence is a little off grammatically, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I think that just removing the "to my wonder" would do it. We can tell that the narrator is wonder-struck just from the connotations of the diction you already have there. At this point, it's just being redundant.
I like where you went with the unsteady path: that's exactly what dripping rain drops look like, however... I'm not sure of the value of the last two lines. Why are they there? I feel like they weaken your stanza a bit, pulling the focus away from this single drop.
Stanza 4:
If you get rid of the last two lines, I feel like these lines (or at least the first) would be unnecessary. The simile that something is as numerous as the stars strikes me as pretty cliche. Maybe you could make a similar comment, but phrase it so that it's less... over done?
Stanza 5:
I actually really like this stanza, and I think it sealed off the poem nicely. Funfact: the semicolon is used when you don't want to use a word like and, but you need one for coherence. You should probably either get rid of the "and" or replace the semicolon with a comma.
Anyway, I enjoyed this a lot. I really like poems about rain (I've written far too many!). I hope this helped. Great job; keep writing!
Hi! Amddog here for a review!
So first of all, I love the amount of imagery that you put into it. It painted a very clear picture in my mind at least. Second of all- and this is a critique- your title. I don't see how machines fit into this in any way. I don't mean it in a bad way though. Perhaps "Rain Dance." However going back to read it again, I found a part where you did mention a machine. The part where you asked for revision was actually my favorite part of the poem. I thought that was wonderful. I love roses and I loved how you associated it with being parched. That's all I have today!
Keep up the good work
~ Amddog
Hello.
The first thing that comes to my head is that the sum of the contents here isn't the final poem. It looks as if two people were put up to the task and then a few lines from both are randomly piled up in this poem. A few lines struck me as beautiful but then the very next lines carry a completely different tone. I think that this could have been a lot better had you invested a little more to this because it looks very raw to me. The poem opens very simply and then the lines in the bracket make me feel the desperation for rain which wasn't there in your wait in the previous line. So I'd say it's a little jumpy ride, the poem.
Next, I didn't quite understand the line - a droplet floats to kiss the glass. The rain falls to the ground or anywhere on earth for that matter. So I think that it should be falls instead of floats(floats gives an impression that rain isn't falling but is swimming across the air to kiss the glass.) Also I didn't understand why you wonder when it does so. Just a thought though, it could be only me.
I like the line - rain abundant as stars. It's a beautiful way to tell it's raining heavily, very pretty.
Then there is - while the coolness seeps through my pores; I liked it too.
The next line though I am not sure where it comes from ( there's no mention of a prayer, you were waiting for rain.)
So, a bunch of pretty lines, a bunch of misfit ones and a few out of the blue ones but arrange them and you'll get something lot better. These are just my views, though the haste to finish is very evident and when that happens you don't think about whether the reader will get it or not, you are just happy to oblige yourself. Happens with me too but give it time, that's the only correction I'll suggest. Nice try. Keep writing. All the best.
the thought is beautiful description of rain. the work indeed throws a good imagery and is quite perfect to criticize, however in parts i find it quite misfitting-
first of all a rose is not dead but rather it receives new life in the rain. you can spend some time to associate a rose with some crystal rain drops that enhance its beauty rather than kill it
secondly you could associate your feelings with nature... here are less trace of rain than the waiting for it.
some clouds describing whether its a rain of bliss or a stormy one, some reflections of your one thought association with nature might make it better - this is simply the suggestion of an amateur and hope you accept my nose poking sportingly
lastly i did not really get the title of the poem as in no way i found rain mechanical. perhaps reader would expect some clarification for that ''machine''.
overall the work is really great and please do keep writing as i will be looking forward to your works....