Her tree has watched
The seasons pass.
Weathered and worn,
Yet still she lasts
Another year more
To hold through winter
Frozen in state,
Air cold and bitter
And though it's hard,
Her branch is strong.
For once spring arrives
So the leaves come along.
How beautiful the leaves!
(A) quenched and striking green
That soon grow tiny buds
For rosy blossoms to be seen.
Thus; the tree never dies
Its roots run to earth's core
That its offspring may give life
And endure the winters evermore!
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Hello, darling! Here to review, of course.
To begin with, I feel like you have a lot of images that really could use a little more evocation in the piece. You start with the metaphor that carries throughout the whole piece, the grandmother being a tree, and then you expand on that through each stanza, which is really nice to see. However, your images feel shallow, and while I know to connect them to the main metaphor of the piece, they don't all feel quite cohesive with each other. For example, your winter images don't tie in well with your spring images -- they don't have the same focus at all, since your winter imagery is more focused on the environment around her than the tree herself, and the spring images are honestly ruined by the "(A)".
Your rhyme and rhythm already feel a little forced; you need to learn to let go and keep control at the same time, and find the words that fit into the poem better, and use those over the words that fit into the rhyme scheme better. I absolutely despise that you brought so much attention to that "(A)", because it brings the reader out of the poem and into the knowledge that they're just reading words on a page. Get rid of the parentheses. The reader isn't going to notice anything but a bit of a change in your rhythm, and that happens in poetry from all the time.
Overall, I don't get a huge emotional response out of this poem, but that's probably because I feel like I was wrested from the imagery and the emotional impact by your choice with that penultimate stanza. I'd still urge you to rewrite and take a second look at some of your rhymes, and figure out if that imagery is really what you want to roll with. Keep writing!
thanks. as mentioned before, the parenthesis around 'a' was placed there because I wasn't sure whether or not to add the word. I've edited the piece quite a lot as of a while ago.
Hey there, Iron! I haven't reviewed anything in such a long time, so I thought I'd stop by and review this lovely poem for you! Know that I'm not much of a poet myself, but hopefully my recommendations will help you make this beautiful poem as gorgeous as it can be for your grandmothers!
What is the meaning of the (A)? Is it an optional word, or just a mistake? "A quenched" doesn't make too much sense, you know. I would just get rid of it and start out that line with "Quenched."
Why is there a semicolon here? A comma seems more appropriate.
That, my friend, concludes the nitpick section. This poem is so wonderful that I can hardly find anything wrong with it! Your rhyming and punctuation are my favorite points in this poem. Granted, "winter" and "bitter" aren't perfect rhymes, nor "pass" and "lasts," but they are darn close. It almost makes the poem better, I think, that those rhymes aren't perfect. Somehow it makes the whole poem seem more professional.
I'm a type of reader who likes to read flow-y, rhyme-y, and beautiful poems like this one, with capitalization and periods and commas. Other free verse poems are incredible, but I personally prefer ones like these. I'm glad I clicked on this!
Your grandma(s) are going to love this! It was beautiful how the entire poem was a metaphor of a grandma to a tree, and I loved your parallels!
Lovely job! You are quite the poet.
thank you! yeah the parenthesis around 'a' were because I wasn't sure I wanted it or not. I agree with everything you said thanks so much!!