Chapter 40: Fire and Ice

I don't have any nitpicks-I guess all I really can say is W.O.W!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, Artemis! Wolf here for a review.

Of course! Of course. Billie thwarts his current plan and he runs away to start a new one. Wow. What the heck is up with Lucian. I like the love everyone Lucian better (though the murderous hexing everyone Lucian would've been fun to see.) I can't remember if it was mentioned earlier, but when was it that Lucian changed? Was is soon before Billie came? And I wonder if he changed because he knew she would come? I have ideas, and I feel like they could work.

So, since it's not been a while after the initial shock of 'Wow, Lucian's evil!' I believe that the action is of course going to start dying down. Everyone's tired and worn out. So, of course Billie would pass out, she fought hard. And wow is she really good with her powers. Lucian must've really trained her well. Which was kind of stupid on his part because now he has a real opponent.

Back to the action, since it's sort of dying, the excitement and adrenaline in the reader sort of dies with it, if that makes sense. I was more aware and less engrossed in this chapter than the others ones, and one specific thing I noticed was the choppiness of it all. It's action yes, but still some showing could be used. Even transitions. Like 'then, sometimes, once and a while', etc. Give it some more flow until the action dies.

Still, overall I'm loving this, and the shock still courses through me. Even though that plottiwst is pretty typical, it was well hidden here and unexpected. Anywho. Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

This chapter opens beautifully. I was immediately drawn into the world of your story. I loved this particular image: “There’s something beautiful about watching them hover above us, like rocks in space.”
There are some punctuation issues, especially involving commas. I’ve listed some below:
“I need the gem.” I whisper.”
There should be a comma after “gem”

“They hold my gaze, until I nod.”
Comma not necessary here

“reach out, before he can recover.”
Comma not necessary here


Since this is in first person POV through Billie’s eyes and is written in present tense, but I have a hard time believing her narrative during the fight with Lucian. When she is being beaten (fist in the ribcage, knee in the stomach, etc.), she should be disoriented, yet she clearly describes everything that is being done to her. Rather than describing what Lucian is doing to her, you could describe what she feels from him (something forced into my gut, sharp pain in my stomach, vision blurring, etc.)

Great action-packed chapter!

I really like adventure/ action. Great.