Chapter 38: The Revitalization

Hey!!!

Well there are 26 minutes left to review... I hope I can get this in there before the review day ends...

“Don’t look in the flames, dear one.” I say through my teeth. It’s an old magician’s song, sung to remind

them of how to survive being burned at the stake, though like most morbid songs it’s also a lullaby, a children’s song." The formatting for this is just a little off, so you should check that out!!! Look like you just hit enter one to many times...
"Is he even still here at Alpha? If he left me alive he must know someone will find me eventually, and I’ll

tell them what he’s done. Unless he thinks they’ll take his word over the misfit’s." another one with weird formatting!!!

You did great with keeping things a little intense without making the reader totally go crazy!!! Its an interesting and fun chapter!!! good luck with editing!!! your doing great!

Josie

Hey, Artemis! Wolf here for a review!

So you've succeeded in crushing my soul, and I really just want to curl up into a ball and cry, but I'm still here. Once again, congratulations. These latest chapters are really, really well done, and they fell like you really poured yourself into these, and I love it. I've noticed more thoughts included in the narration.

I do have one small thing. So of course towards the end everything is tense and action packed at then time is not on their side, but it sort of seems like Billie doesn't have much problem talking about what just happened with Lucian. Her so called 'former best friend who she really, really liked' just betrayed her, but everything is moving so fast, to me it feels just like regular dialogue. I'm not really sure how, but I suggest experimenting around with that see if you can find a way to slow it down a tad so you can drag out her reluctance, the feeling of betray she has when she's explaining it to her friends. Just something more on the emotion side. Of course, now the reader's already raw from the last part, so not too much is needed, but a tad more would be nice.


I'm also kind of confused on how she escaped. What happened exactly? She spit on it? How? That kind of confused me. Aren't the wires above her? Or am I misinterpreting it completely? I suggest a second look at that part. Billie's thoughts in the area was great, but the actions maybe made a bit more clear. That's all I got. Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

At first the lodestone just feels like the slow burn of a blister, but as it dissolves and seeps further into my skin, my lips feel like fire. (solid opening line)


I try to spit it out, but Lucian’s magic prevents that. Every time I open my mouth to scream the lodestone slides back and scorches my throat. (slight edit)


The best I can do is grind my teeth and try to ignore the salt tears streaming down my cheek, waiting for pain to disappear. (shortened, but you don't have to keep this edit)


Is he even still here at Alpha? If he left me alive he must know someone will find me eventually, and I’ll

tell them what he’s done. Unless he thinks they’ll take his word over the misfit’s. (there are a lot of odd spaces here)


“The fire away.” (?)


Somewhere in the building, Artemis and Sedna... (slight edit)


Doesn’t seem like its (it's not its)



(good description)



I would get one of the other teachers, except teachers dorms are closed to students. (smoother read)



They’re in theirbeds. (no space)


~~

I haven't read the other chapters, but I liked the world you've built here. I think your pacing is great and your characters are driven. I think a little more description here and there will strengthen the piece and won't hurt the flow you've created. I think you built the tension up in this chapter considerably well, I was drawn in. Keep it up.