The follow is a first chapter preview of my published novel Alpha: Misfit's Rise. Check out the links below to read the rest of the book!
Despite what everyone said, I didn’t mean to blow up Tanya Mason’s presents. The cake, yes, but the presents? That would’ve been overkill.
But since Officer Davenport—the towering man with the deep voice and bulging muscles sitting across from me in the interrogation room—was supposed to think this whole thing was an accident and I was just an innocent bystander, I probably shouldn’t mention that.
“So, Billie,” he said, stumbling over my name. A girl named Billie was a lot for the people of Sandy Brooks.
“Why don’t you tell me,” he lowered my report, “in your own words, what happened?”
I could start by telling him the only true part of the report was my name. Oh wait. I even lied a little about my last name. But unless I wanted to get myself sent to juvie, I probably shouldn’t mention that either.
“I already told you everything,” I said.
He stared at me for a second, not blinking. Even though he wasn’t moving, I leaned back in in my chair, trying to get some distance from his eyes.
“How long have you known Tanya Mason?” he said finally.
“Since birth.” Just like everyone else in this town.
“Are you close?”
About as close as Superman and kryptonite, but as much as I would love to make a superhero reference in an interrogation, I doubt it would go well.
“No,” I said, biting my lip.
My mother kicked my leg from under the table. She’d been so quiet I forgot she was in the room. You would think a mother would be proud of her daughter for telling the truth, but not mine. I didn’t care though. It was not going on record that I was friends with Sandy Brook’s little princess.
“Then why were you at her party?” Mr. Davenport asked.
That question would be better directed at my mother, and based on the way she shifted uncomfortably in her chair, she knew it too.
“I’m not leaving until you get out of this car,” My mom said as we sat outside Tanya Mason’s house.
Honestly, I didn’t doubt her, but it only made me more determined to sit here. We were similar in that way, at least.
“You want to be seen sitting in your mother’s car all night long? I’m sure that will impress your friends.”
“They’re not my friends.” She had a point though. Being seen with my mom like this would not help my social standing at school. Except, I was pretty sure I had no social standing to lose, so it was okay.
“They could be, if you would let them.”
“I don’t want to be friends with them."
She sighed. “Billie, why can’t you just …”
She couldn’t even finish the sentence, meaning I had no choice but to feel a twinge of guilt. I guess I could understand her concern. She hoped things would be different when I started High School, since there’d be a new group of kids and everything. But it didn’t matter. They all knew where I came from.
“Look, I already promised Tanya’s mother you would be coming.” I shouldn’t be surprised that was a concern. Tanya’s mother was on the hospital board where my mother was a nurse. That, by the way, was the answer to Officer Davenport’s question. I got invited to the party because my mother wanted to impress her boss. At least I could say it backfired.
“Why don’t you go to Tanya’s party then?” I shot back. Feeling a little guilty wasn’t enough to get me out of the car.
She sighed again, and the guilt grew. I could always tell when she reached her limit because she wouldn’t look at me, but rather stared off in the distance. I’d never told her this, but I always thought she looked so pretty in profile. With her dark hair, Robin’s egg blue eyes, and translucent skin, she was like an angel carved in stone. I must have taken after my father because my green eyes, freckles, limp brown hair, and round cheeks looked nothing like her.
“How about this,” she said after a moment of silence, “Just give it one hour. And if in one hour you still want to come home, I’ll come get you. No questions asked.”
And now it was my turn to sigh, but this was the best deal I’d get.
“Fine.” I hoped out. “I’ll see you in an hour.”
After all, what could happen in an hour?
“How did you like the party, Billie?” Officer Davenport’s asked.
I shrugged. “It was okay.”
“Were the kids nice to you?”
A humorless smile came to my lips. “They were nice enough, to me.”
Being mean to me wasn’t what had brought on the accident. For the most part, people had ignored me. I mean, Mrs. Mason had been excited to see me. She kept saying it was a shame Tanya had never invited anyone from Mapleton before. She sounded genuine, which was surprising. Even though we were legally from the same town, everyone looked down on those that came from Mapleton, my neighborhood. They thought we were weird.
If they only knew.
Once Mrs. Mason left, though, everyone defaulted to giving me strange looks before going back to making out or pretending to dance to the music that was blaring around every corner of the house.
As quickly as I could, I found my way to the snack table. My plan was to hang out here and steal as much food as I could before I called my mother and told her they were all shunning me, and she needed to pick me up. It seemed like a pretty good plan. Free food and a guarantee that my mother would finally realize I was never going to be a normal high school student.
There was just one thing my plan didn’t consider.
Tanya.
“Billie!” Her voice was right in my ear, causing me to spit out the soda I’d just sipped. The people around us giggled.
“Have you been hiding here all this time?” Her proximity was making me nervous, especially when her silky blond hair fell on my shoulder and her way-too-expensive-for-a-high schooler-to-be-wearing perfume washed over me. A couple of girls stood around her, all of them wearing clothing and makeup that suggested they were going clubbing instead of a Freshman’s birthday party.
Tanya stared between the table and my loaded plate. “Were you really that hungry? You don’t look hungry.” Her eyes moved from my puffy cheeks to my belly, and I blushed. “But Billie, if you’re not getting enough to eat at home, I could speak to my mom about giving yours a raise.” I think she was trying to look concerned, but she couldn’t stop herself from grinning as she placed a hand on my shoulder.
I shook her hand off so quickly, some of the people around us gasped. “I’m fine, thanks. I was just making sure you weren’t too tempted.” I made a point of looking at her the same way she looked at me. Not that I had cause too, as she was as slim as board, but it made her flush nonetheless. Plus, I got a few people to chuckle. The look on her face was almost priceless.
“I wish I’d thought ahead to invite your friends too, Billie. Doesn’t their family have like, ten kids? I bet they could use some of this food.” She chuckled. “Not that they’re skinny though.”
The people around us laughed, and I clenched my fists. Much as Tanya didn’t like me, I was not her favorite target. I had too many good comebacks, but my friends weren’t even here to defend themselves, so she must have thought they made better prey.
“That’s what they get for taking on that many kids,” one of Tanya’s cronies said, flicking her perky ponytail in disdain. “I mean, I know it’s great to be charitable and all, but that’s just stupid.”
“Shut your mouth,” I said through clenched teeth, but the girl wasn’t even looking at me. She stared hungrily at Tanya, hoping for her approval.
It was one thing to talk bad about my friends, but it was another to talk bad about their adoptive parents, the most loving people I knew.
“They should probably send one of them back,” said another girl, giggling. “Probably wouldn’t even notice they were gone.”
“They should send back the Asian one, with the freaky-skin,” said the first girl.
“Her name is Ana,” I said, but once again no one listened. Her freaky-skin was a completely harmless birth defect, but I wasn’t going to waste time explaining that to them again.
“Come on, Robyn, don’t be rude,” Tanya said playfully. But her eyes were on me, relishing my anger.
“I’m serious. She looks diseased or something. What if it’s infectious? They’d be doing everyone a favor if they just got rid of her.”
“Shut up!” I screech, and this time she heard me. As did everyone around us. It was that awkward moment where the loud chatter disappeared as everyone turned toward the source of the noise: me.
So much for keeping a low profile.
“We’re just kidding, Billie. Can’t you take a joke?” Tanya said. She acted like she was offended, but that smile showed just how much she was enjoying every moment of this. “Besides, we all know it’s what’s in a girl’s head, not on it, right? I bet if Ana studies real hard, she might even be able to s-s-say her own name one day.”
And with that everyone erupted into laughter, Ana’s stutter being something else they all loved to pick at.
Before I had a chance to respond, Mrs. Mason burst into the room.
“Well, sounds like your all having a great time,” she said as she beamed at all of us. Her eyes rested a moment extra on me before she said, “We’ll get to cake and presents in just a second, but first, I have a surprise for you all! Follow me!” She beckoned us all into the main entryway. Slowly, still chuckling and glancing at me, everyone filed out. But I stayed behind.
“Billie,” Mrs. Mason said, “are you coming?”
Some part of me knew what I was planning to do next was a bad idea, but the rest of me didn’t care.
“Actually, could I use your bathroom?"
Mrs. Mason smiled sweetly, naively. “Sure, it’s right down there.” And then she closed the door behind her.
For the first time that night, I couldn’t help but smile too, as I turned and headed in the opposite direction, where the cake and presents were kept.
“Why didn’t you go with everyone else, Billie?” Officer Davenport asked.
I bit my lip. “I wanted to surprise Tanya by lighting her candles for her.”
He raised his eyebrow, not convinced. When I didn’t say anything else, he said, “Fine. Then what happened?”
I was still trying to figure that out myself.
Even before I had reached the room I had started to rethink my plan. I’d never done magic like this before. Never so purposefully, despite what my mother thought. It always happened in the heat of the moment. I barely even had time to think about it, but this time I had time to think. This might be my only opportunity to get back at Tanya, and I couldn’t pass it up.
It wasn’t hard to find that cake. I smelled it before I saw it. It was like someone had lit a bunch of vanilla-candles and then forgotten about them, filling the room with a rich, almost sickly-sweet aroma. But that was nothing compared to the cake itself. It was almost as a tall as I was, with little reminders of Paris, France dotted all around and a complete Eiffel tower sitting on top. I wasn’t sure how they would cut the thing without knocking over that tower, but I guess no one would ever find out.
After taking a deep breath, I extended my hand. It had always looked so dumb when people did it movies, but now I understood. It gave you a sense of control.
Jeez. I chided myself. You’re blowing up a cake, not a nuclear bomb.
I took another deep breath, closed my eyes, and imagined that Eiffel tower caving in.
And then I let go.
Something rushed through me, like an intense spasm of fire and ice running through my body all at once. Then I was flying.
Before I had a chance to open my eyes, I was thrown against the back wall. A wave of heat washing over me. It was a few moments before I got my bearings enough to open my eyes.
The first thing I noticed was the smell, the overwhelming stench of burnt sugar. The next thing I noticed was the smoke. I almost closed my eyes as the smoke cleared, not sure I wanted to see what state the cake was in.
I shouldn’t have worried about that though, because the cake had dissapeared, as well as the wall behind it.
I swallowed before glancing up at Officer Davenport. If I said any of this to him … forget Juvie. They’d send me straight to an institution.
“I—I saw the lighter on the table. So I just … turned it on, and the next thing I knew, there was an explosion, and that’s it.” I gritted my teeth. You’d think with such a big secret, I’d be a better liar.
Officer Davenport gave me a long look before clearing his throat. “Would you care to explain how this explosion started in the first place? Or how it left you completely unharmed?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Two points for Officer Davenport.
“Surely, incidents such as these are not entirelyuncommon.”Mom realized I was hopeless, and had no choice but to intervene. Slowly, she placed her hand on his. He glanced at her hand, then at her. She smiled, not blinking as she stared him down. I guess physical contact and eye contact are helpful when it comes to enchanting someone. Not that I would know. Enchanting was a uniquely Faerie-form of magic, and as a mere Half-Fae, I doubt I could ever possess my mom’s skills.
“No,” Officer Davenport said vaguely, “they're not.” Mom released his hand, but he continued to stare at her, and I resisted the urge to gag. To be fair, even in her nurse scrubs she was a beautiful lady. He’d probably drool over her even if she hadn’t addled his brains with magic.
My mom placed her hand on his again, regaining his attention. He blinked rapidly a few times, then stood up.
“Very well, I have no further questions for you.” We followed him out of the interrogation room into the main lobby. Even though it was late, there were still a lot of people. The clattering sounds of someone typing and the indistinct murmurs of phone conversations were a bit jolting after the quiet of the interrogation room.
Two officers lead a man in handcuffs through the lobby to the holding cells. He leered at me as he walked past. An image of those officers leading me away in handcuffs flashed across my eyes. But they didn’t send fourteen-year olds to jail, right?
“Ms. Deer,” Officer Davenport said to my mother, “I need to speak with you privately. Billie, wait here.”
“But I—” The door closed behind them before I could finish.
***
The police department emptied as the night dragged on, but my mom still hadn’t come back. It was only me, the secretary at the main desk who glared at me every time I so much as tapped my foot, and the hunched-over maintenance worker who was humming something that sounded scarily like the Barbie song left in the lobby now.
I swear the janitor’s humming was getting louder by the minute. I wish I knew how to use magic to make him shut up. Mom probably knew how, but she never taught me anything about magic.
Finally, the door opened, and out came Mom and Officer Davenport.
Without any fanfare, Officer Davenport turned to me and said, “We’ve decided to let you return home while we review the … circumstances of the incident. We’ll contact you in a few days to let you know what happens next.”
So, I was off the hook, for now. If only I could find that comforting.
My mother didn’t look at me as she walked directly for the front door. After mumbling something that resembled a thank you, I followed her. This was not a good time to keep her waiting.
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Hi! It's Pendr, the person who left long tedious reviews on a couple of your later chapters (sorry again for that). I am going to start this story from the beginning because I already love it and I REALLY REALLY want to! I'll probably leave reviews like my other ones, but a lot shorter. I'll just be pointing out a few typos I notice along the way.
Just something to consider adding detail to/about.

I will be a loyal reader, I promise! Keep writing!
"So, Billie." Officer Davenport still stumbles over my name. To be fair, Billie isn't usually a girl's name." This may be a good spot to clear up the fact that she indeed is a girl.
"If I am too understand you correctly, you decided to light the candles while everyone else was in the other room" 'to,' not 'too'
“You don’t think they’ll send someone, not to the rustlands, surely? The hate coming to the human world.” 'They hate'
“So there’s still a chance they could press charges?” Alexis asks, my friend and one of Mrs. Veinly’s adopted children, asks." take out the last 'asks'
“She’s lucky I’m not the one who has magic. Cuz if I did? Nothing would stop me from turning and her possee into earthworms.” First, you should always use 'cause instead of cuz in a story. Also, 'posse' has only one 'e'
"I wish I could’ve seen Tanya’s face,” Sophie, Another one of mrs. Vainly adopted children and our third friend, says." 'Mrs. Veinly's'
Overall this chapter could use a little more character physical description of everyone. It's not too hard to wedge those small details into the story. I think the descriptions of some places were good, but maybe describe the interrogation room and the Rustlands more, especially when they're driving into 'town.'
The only other thing was after Billie left the house to go to Mrs. Veinly's and talk to her friends. She left, and then all of a sudden she was talking to her friends in a completely different building. Some sort of transition there would be great.
This story is fantastic, and I'm super excited to get sucked deeper into Billie's life
Hello... I really like what you have going on here, and I'm interested in the next chapters... you have definitely pulled me into the world of this story...

About the first part, with the whole police investigation thing and all: just wondering, have incidents like this happened before to Billie, where she used her magic and things went wrong? The amount times incidents like this has happened will reflect her mood in the police investigation thingy- if it's her first time, I'd expect her to be more scared and cautious- if it's happened a few times, maybe a little bit more relaxed. But I don't know if she's used her magic before, only you do, you just have to make sure her behavior is correct to her character. Just... something to watch out for, I guess.
I love the style and the voice you have going; it really makes this pleasant to read.
I could use a little more physical description of setting and characters.
Overall, it was really great... this is one of those things I read on YWS that I could see as a novel
On to chapter two!
-rissymay
Hey Artemis!
Sorry that it took me so long to get here. The weekend has been more hectic than I assumed it would be, and now I have a little time so I can review this! This review will be short and sweet because you've had so many ones before this one. I apologise if I repeat anything already mentioned, and I will try to steer clear of nitpicks because I think TriSARAHtops has handled the majority of them.
What I would like to start off by saying is that I just love your opening line. Opening paragraph in fact. It says the perfect thing to make me wonder about it, and want to know more about the circumstances and the reasoning behind what happened. The perfect hook to catch the reader, and you have it right there. So nice job on that ^^ I also really like the voice of your main character. Light, funny and curious. I can already tell she is going to be a main character whose point of view I will love reading this novel from.
One thing that I would've liked to see is a bit more description. That might be hard because Billie sounds like a girl who looks at the big picture and less at the details, but it might be nice to slip it in there a bit more. I'm finding it hard to imagine what her house looks like, so in my head this scenario is kind of happening in the middle of nowhere. Likewise, it was kind of hard to imagine Sarah and Alexis because we had no description of them whatsoever, and I think we're missing a bit of their character from that lack of description. Try and slip it in.
Speaking of her friends, they suddenly seemed to pop up in the story! She closed a door and then bam, her friends who don't even live with her were right in her house. I feel like she should've expressed some form of surprise or asked what they were doing there. She didn't know they were there, and her mother seemingly didn't care, but I found it odd how conveniently her friends were suddenly there.
Now that we are talking about her friends who seem to know everything about magic, I can't help but wonder who knows about magic and who doesn't. So I hope you make this clear in the next few chapters, or else it is something to be mentioned here. As well as that, I am wondering how this magic works. In most stories the rules to magic change and differ depending on the story. So I hope you clarify how it works and how it feels for Billie to work it in the next few chapters, or that is again something to edit and make sure is included in here as well.
Okay, this is the tiniest nitpick, but I didn't like the idea of starting a new paragraph with such a meh word, usually used as an afterthought. I think it would be nicer if you moved that word to the end of the sentence, right before the dash you use. Yes, much nicer.
I couldn't help but wonder what Alexis's physical defect is? You fleeting mention it at some point and then kind of dodge around it. When we meet Alexis she seems fine, and there is no mention of it either. Maybe Billie doesn't care and doesn't notice it anymore, whatever the defect is, but the readers sure do want to be let in as to what it is! So make sure this is something you explain here.
Oh no, you've hit a pet peeve of mine here. It's alright though, because this is a common mistake I see. When you're going to use an ellipsis you really need to have a space after the three dots, before the next word. Otherwise, technically, you are connecting the two words and thecircumstances doesn't make any sense, does it? So this should really be 'while we review the... circumstances.' I know you did this in a few other places in the chapter, so make sure you edit them all out and smooth that over.
I know I said I would dodge around nitpicks, but I can't help pulling out this one. You have asks twice here, so the last one on the end can be removed. Unnecessary.
At some point in this chapter Billie goes to sleep and wakes up the next day. In a case such as that, where there is a time jump (albeit small) it's nicer to show a separation in time with more than just a change in paragraph. I would suggest using asterisks to show the break. Here's what I mean:
I fell asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow.
***
I opened my eyes the next day...
You get the picture
I don't have anything else to say! This was a strong beginning chapter to your novel, and it has me looking forward to reading more of it. Also, all the different chapters have different titles, which makes me wonder what the overall title of the novel is?
Can't wait to see who and what these magicians want
Deanie x
You asked me to take a look at this, at the start I was just doing it for a favour, but man I really enjoyed it, and I am going to go straight to the next chapter, it is well written and well edited and I like how the story flows. It keeps the reader enticed.
Thumbs up!!
Jack
Hello and Happy Review Day! I decided to go to the beginning.
A really minor thing: I might put asterisks around the author's note at the beginning so people can better tell where the story begins.
The first line of quotations feels kind of oddly placed, since the paragraphs surrounding it are on the same line of thought and the talking breaks it up rather oddly.
"Someone raises their voice, my mom," Why don't you just say my mom raises her voice?
"because my Mom’s expression kills it" should either be 'my mom' or 'Mom'. If you're using mom like a name to capitalize it, you don't need the possessive pronoun. There's a few other mild grammar mistakes throughout the piece, so I would suggest just a quick read-through to hunt those out.
I really love the first line; that's a great opening, and you've also got a good cliff-hanger ending, so great job with that.
Hope this review helps!
-tgirly
Thank you!
Hello, Artemis, Wolf here for another review.
So I've come back for more, but this time I'm starting at the beginning rather than straight in the middle. With that said, I really understand more of the terminology used farther back in the seventh chapter (*sheepish smile*), especially the rust-lands. I assume they are the magician's word for the human realm.
One tiny little technical thing I have for this is sometimes when italics are used, there is no space in between the three words. For example; if I had italics on the word 'feel' in the next sentence, the it would have spaces in between the words, like so, "I didn't actually think I would feel it!" I'm not sure if you do this later on, because I've only read on other part, but I'm point it out
I like how we are just as much in the dark as Billie and the other girls are about some of the terminology. Something's we can get just as much of an inference as them, but not quite everything. I especially like how hushed up Billie tries to keep their magic, but it kind of slips leading them to this situation.
One more thing I wanted to point out, what gender is Billie? By the name I think they are a boy, but other sources make me think differently. It doesn't seem very clear to me, so maybe try to clarify that. It's a little important part of characterization.
Anyways, I am quite excited to read through this, since I love anything with magic. I'm curious to know what kind of magic Billie has and where she's going (since I know a sneak peak to the future). I'll be sure to catch up and read through the other parts in the morning. Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thanks, I'll look into those. The spelling "Billie" versus "Billy" Is actualy a girl's name, and I got the idea from British actress/singer Billie Piper, but I'll try to clarify her femininity.
Ok so, I'm new, and last night I accidentally wrote this as a comment on someone else's review. Sorry!
This story grabs my attention and keeps it all through the chapter (which is saying a lot for me--I tend to skim!). As it goes on, the reader starts to understand more information (like that the setting is not the "real world", as one might think at first, but instead a world with magic) but at the same time the reader is sucked in with lots of questions (like "What's the 'm' word? Who are Sophie and Alexis? What's the UEA?" and TONS more).
I like that some of the questions get answered in the first chapter while new ones appear, but at least for me, there are too many questions floating around in my mind at once. It feels a little bogged down with information about this different culture you have created, especially towards the end with all the information about the rustlands, misfits, and magic. Perhaps the reader doesn't need to hear about the Mrs. Veinly or the orphanage or the witches/warlocks all in the first chapter. At the same time, the unanswered questions do keep me interested and wanting to read more, as opposed to just giving up on the story.
I feel like the sentences became more clear as you went on. At the beginning, I had to read some sentences several times. For example: "Though claiming I’d decided to light the cake candles while everyone was out of the room with a lighter I just happened to carry around with me at all times and that when I’d lit the flame, a gas leak in the house must have caused it to explode, but somehow left me unsinged, was a bit of a stretch." That sentence is really long and doesn't flow well, and it's also not grammatically correct.
I have one question in this sentence: "I run my hand along the window, feeling the cool droplets collect on my fingertips." If Billie's on the inside of the car, how does she feel the water droplets? Wouldn't they be running down the outside of the window? My other question: Is Billie in any kind of danger because the Magicians came for her? I couldn't quite figure out if that was something really bad or not.
I really like the dialogue between Billie and her mom about the magic. I also liked this description of Billie's tears: "There's moisture brimming behind my eyes." There's a LOT of "showing, not telling" in this story. I also love how the chapter ends. It leaves the reader with another question that seems to be a big deal to everyone in the story--who are the Magicians?? Overall the writing is excellent! I hope to write this well one day. I cannot wait for the next chapter!
No worries
. And you've brought up a very valid point. While there is a magical underworld realm, the rustlands are in Vermont, USA xD. So I will work on clarifying that. Anyway, I've got another chapter posted, and let me know if you ever want me to return the favor. I'd loved too.
Oh ok I didn't realize the location of the rustlands.
I'm still working up the courage to post the first chapter of my novel. I have several chapters written, but I'm not sure if I'm reading to let other people read it. When I do post it, I would love it if you could review it!
Hi there! It's great you've developed a pretty complex and and interesting idea for just the first chapter. You really seam to be going somewhere and you know what's going on.


However as the reader, I was left really confused. At the beginning, I had no idea what was happening. First I didn't get any off it and then I knew too much. It seems that all the explains was avoided and then cramped in where it didn't make sense with the flow of the story. A lot of times a writer will use unknowns at the beginning to grab my attention and make me want to keep reading. But the way you approached what all was happening didn't grab my attention. Maybe it was the use of present tense. Or maybe it was that I didn't know what was going on. But later on in the chapter when I did know what had happened, I couldn't appreciate the good writing skills you used in the beginning. You developed the characters well and the dialogue was good, too. But I was so busy being confused I barely noticed these aspects. Even at the end of the story I still don't know what really happened with the explosion. I know all about the magic social system, but not about the incident that has put all this in motion. Make sure to inform me the basic who, what, where, when, why, how, of the incident throughout the chapter instead of telling me all this information. Information that means nothing to me at the moment as long as the mysterious explosion remains a mystery.
Sorry that was kinda long.
Anyway, other than that you have a really cool plot so far. I feel that this is all part of something bigger. This feeling IS something that makes me want to keep reading. It also makes me want to know more. I think you just need to reorganize how you arrange your explanations. Find a balance between too little, too much, and not at all.
I hope this helps!! Good luck!!!
Thank you, that was extremely helpful. I need to know what make sense and what doesn't. I have another chapter posted if your expert reviewer wants to take a look, and please let me know when I can return the favor on one of your works.
Hello! Here to review. You're off to a pretty interesting start so far with this story, and there was a lot I liked about it. Firstly though, I have a couple of quibbles I'd like to point out:
'Officer' should have a capital letter here. Also, your wording's a little bit off. It conveys the idea you're trying to get across fine, but I think the flow could be improved a bit. Maybe even changing the coma to a hyphen, perhaps. It's up to you, but it doesn't feel as cohesive as it could.
This sentence runs on a bit. I like that it's written as one train of thought -- the effect it creates is perfect, but I think it wouldn't hurt to through in some italics to emphasise certain words, a couple more commas, maybe a hyphen in there. I also feel that 'Although' would be more grammatically accurate to use at the start of the sentence.
I think you just missed a word here, between 'convinced' and 'that'.
You had a few dialogue grammar issues in here, and I haven't pointed them all out, because I think you do know what you're doing, and are able to fix them for yourself. There's a really good tutorial in the Resources Forum here on YWS that explains it better than I can, if you aren't 100% sure. Basically, here you should have a full stop after 'weakly' and begin the dialogue with a capital letter.
This is just a suggestion, but I think you could add a bit more clarity if you added 'actually', or something like that, after the ellipses. It would also fit in with the character's voice.
Speaker's tags don't need to be capitalised.
“I…I told you.” I say, trembling, “it was an accident.”
Comma after 'you', full stop after 'trembling', capital letter for 'It'. Sorry if I sound blunt, but I'm just trying to be as un-confusing as possible.
I think this was more typo than not knowing the rules of dialogue punctuation, but capitalisation is needed.
See above comment on speakers' tags. Ditto goes for here.
You've used the " instead of a normal comma.
You don't need to signpost information for the reader quite so boldly. Your reader should be able to pick up important facts on their own without you telling them This is important! Remember this fact here! It might seem really clichéed of me to say 'show, don't tell', but whilst telling can be important, you do have to make it feel woven in.
You just need to tweak the wording of this a little. The part around the full stop doesn't quite work, and you could almost make it one sentence.
Generally speaking, you are off to a good start. That said, I felt that the strongest part of this chapter was the beginning - which I really enjoyed. You had a very defined, identifiable voice for Billie, and you were showing us a lot about her personality and relationship with her mother. Then something happened, and I'm not sure whether maybe you didn't edit the later parts of the chapter so well, but you started to rush it, and there was a whole lot of info-dumping. The story is good, and the nuances of the world need to naturally reveal themselves of their own accord, bit by bit.
I think you just need to slow down. Let the information and world-building come through action and description, perhaps a bit of dialogue. We don't need to know everything right in the first chapter, and your writing was really rather excellent when Billie was at the police station, and having the conversation with her mother. Suspense is your friend, and whilst you don't want to be so obscure that your audience is completely alienated from the world, they don't need to know every last detail, especially not in the first chapter. You, as the author, definitely need to know it, but it would probably help if you went through and analysed whether all the information was really necessary for the reader's understanding. World building rocks, but not when the reader is being bombarded with information, to the point where the writing starts feeling garbled.
All that said, you have a really interesting world that you've created, and Billie's a character who I'd like to get to know better. If you can replicate the strength of the start of this chapter through the rest of the story, I think you'll have something really awesome on your hands.
Let me know if you have any questions!
Thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed. I sent it to a friend and she told me I didn't have enough exposition, so I guess I over compensated. Anyway, thanks again!
You're welcome, and I'm glad I didn't seem too harsh. If you'd like the next chapter reviewed let me know.
This story grabs my attention and keeps it all through the chapter (which is saying a lot for me--I tend to skim!). As it goes on, the reader starts to understand more information (like that the setting is not the "real world", as one might think at first, but instead a world with magic) but at the same time the reader is sucked in with lots of questions (like "What's the 'm' word? Who are Sophie and Alexis? What's the UEA?" and TONS more). I like that some of the questions get answered in the first chapter while new ones appear, but perhaps the amount of question floating around in the reader's mind is a bit too much. At the same time, the unanswered questions definitely keeps me interested and I can't wait to read the next chapter. I felt like the writing became more clear as you went on and I absolutely love how the chapter ends. Overall the writing is excellent! I hope to write this well one day. I cannot wait for the next chapter!
If you would like to take a look I have another chapter posted. I'd definitely appreciate the feedback.
I just wanted to quickly say that I just read your edited version, and you've done a brilliant job of eliminating the info dumping. The ending was so much easier to read, and you've explained enough for the reader to have enough grasp on the world you're creating.