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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello, Artemis, Wolf here for a review.
You're making it harder and harder for me to reviews these, because these chapters just keep getting better with each passing chapter. This is of course normal, since you'll learn from your reviews and you'll grow as a writing, finally finding a fitting writing style for your novel. It's great!
I do wish you would fix up the littler grammar and spelling errors here and there, since sometimes they can be kind of distracting, but other times they are just kind of there. None of them are huge, though quite a few are detectable. For example, the last sentence doesn't really make that much sense, and it's kind of a run-on. Maybe split it into two sentences.
So, towards the end, I like this kind of darker side of Lucian that comes out. It's really interesting to see this part of him rather than the 'goody goody' he tries to be all the time. I recall that before Billie asks Lucian why he has classes with freshmen and he replied that he has an interesting schedule and here we're shown he has some crazy powers, so it leaves me wondering if those two things have anything in common.
Your character development is coming along very nicely, and not just of Lucian. Just the way Billie reacts to this situation shows us that she is kind of the type that wants to do something, but just the fact that she had to wait until Lucian told her to also shows that she's kind of hesitant to get involved. The stakes are really getting high, along with the dramac, and I'm wondering what can happen next.
All this magic excites me, but I am curious as to how Billie gets along with it. I mean, I get she's really struggling right now, but I'm curious as to what she'll be able to do as a Fey. You are moving the plot along nicely and I'm excited for the next part! Keep up the good work,
~Wolfare~
I read over my previous reviews and realize I sounded too harsh. Sorry, I seem to focus too much on nitpicks so don't take it too much at heart.
Here opening with dialogue works well, but you need to give it a little bit of a polish to shine. I quoted that particular sentence because I think you can tweak it to give the beginning an extra punch. They are training right, so show her exhausted, like: “Thanks,” I mutter, trying to catch my breath. We’ve been on it for hours, yet I only recreated magic trice. I feel faint, but I refuse to give up just yet. Closing my eyes, I focus my thoughts, but Lucian stops me with a touch of his hand.
(This is just an example mind you, an improvised example, but you get what I am trying to do. So just take a few moments, think on it and write the moment out in your character’s voice.)
Too obvious a statement. Try to make it more subtle. Else that paragraph is good.
Tense slip. Remember you are going for present thus this will be:
Spoiler
Same thing about adverbs I have been harping on. Here you don’t need hurriedly because you already have “as soon as.”
Then happened into happens.
Again, not a bad paragraph but look it over to make sure it’s in the proper tense. Also you have a few typos. I don't think I saw tense issues in the rest of the chapter.
'Why? Wizards and sorcerers can’t date either?' Else it’s too much of a mouthful.
“Except he’s staring at the centre of the dining hall where a large crowd of students are gathered.” To avoid the “something.”
I think you can substitute his dialogue line with a stern stare for more dramatic tension. Actions and expressions are sometimes stronger than words in dialogue.
I think: is something happening, or is something going on sounds more natural but it might be just me.
The last part should be its own sentence.
Still a few unnecessary words/phrases here and there, but otherwise all is fine. You did a better job with the tension too, keep going.
I like the last part more than the middle and the first. It feels like you finally relaxed, let go and went wide with your words. The tension and flow are better too. Though you need to work on Lucian’s intimidating aura more. So far it’s too subtle. Give him a stronger presence.
I don't believe you were too harsh, just honest, and your understanding of writing and style have been absolutely amazing. I always appreciate your reviews!
Ahh!! Climactic chapter. I can just feel the tension.
Dialogue spot on as always!!
Random but "We glance at each other, and walk toward the conglomeration. No one pays us any mind as we edge between the bodies." I think conglomeration is not the right word here. Maybe commotion or gathering or something. And it should be "No one seems to mind as we..." Just a little nitpick.
Now is the time I really could use that physical description. Like I want it soooooo bad and so does your chapter. You need more physical description-- to be frank. I understand that there is a limit on description. Too much bogs down the story and annoys the reader. But you need a little more than what you're giving us. Give me description of what the characters look like. Preferably in a previous chapter so that it doesn't slow down the heated exchange. But without it your characters become forgettable and the reader can't keep track of who's who. And whats the auburn haired girl doing here? What's her name? Is she important?
I think you could split this chapter into two. But it's not overly long. Just a suggestion.
Why is this happening again? Why. I feel like I'm asking that too much. Ok so Sonora is saying stuff like "How did you do it?" and "You know what she did to me." But I don't know. What did Sedna supposedly do? And what did Sonora do to "leave" Marvel? Why does Marvel call Lucian "Adriano"? Why is this fight going on?
Still, your writing is phenomenal. I wish I could write like you.
Ps. Do I spot a little foreshadowing in that last sentence? Hm?
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Thanks again, you are utterly amazing as always. You're right about physical description, I always forget about that. And I'll work on clarifying things...
WOW! This my friend is a beautiful piece of work. It has a harry potter vibe to it. Which is not bad at all, because your story is completely unique. I can not find specific at the moment, but I believe there were a few spelling and grammatical errors. I'm sure you'll find them if you read over it again. Over all I really enjoyed this chapter. I thought it was written very well, keep up the good work!
Thank you. I've been working really hard to separate it from harry Potter since I new the genre meant I was in danger of coming to close, so it's comforting to her my work has paid off.