Chapter 4: The Realm

Hi Artemis!

I am probably one of the slowest reviewers you have ever had >.> I am so, so, sorry for that! I have been crazy busy lately but I have NOT forgotten your novel (it's too good for that ) and will be keeping at reading it. I also have a holiday soon so I hope to power through some chapters then!

I did like this one as lot. The dreaded departure from her mother came, but it didn't go quite as expected. The mother alone has created a lot of mystery lately... I can't help wondering why she dislikes the realm so much and why she called out on her daughter. I think time will tell, and I can understand why emotion is ruling out Billie's logical right now. I just hope she sees the light soon because I don't think Ms. Waverunner is quite on her side in things. If there are even sides! The plot is already interesting As well as that, you had some beautiful descriptions in this chapter going on about what this world looked like and what the Academy looked like as well. I loved your choice of words and it was easy to picture what this place could look like in my mind. I can't wait to see the inside of the building as well! I see you have had quite a few reviewers doing all the nitpicking, so I won't write about a single nitpick! I will trust those have all been covered and try and focus on the story itself a bit.

Although I did love your descriptions, there was one area where I wanted a few more words. And that was the people! I could easily picture the place and all the shops, but it was hard to get my grip on the idea that there were actual people - and those that looked as extravagant as Mrs. Waverunner around. I think it's because you only mention them in passing, excepting one man in particular. Mention how there were people streaming in and out of the university, what they looked like and how Billie tried to imagine herself blending in with one of them. Focus a bit more on some items of clothing that the people are wearing in the crowd because we get the impression that the clothing here is unique. Is it just that, or also the hair styles? Mention more about the noise levels, the sounds she is hearing, the swarm of people or... just anything to give us more of an image of the people around!

“I want too.” But she doesn’t, I can tell.

Hello! Oh my gosh, I can't believe it's really happening! She's going to the Realm!!!! HOORAY!!!

Alright, so a consecutive thing I've seen from the beginning to the end (or what you have published so far) of this story is, when someone is speaking, you tend to have commas where you should have periods, and vise versa. Sometimes it's perfect, but not all the time. And every once in a while around or in dialogue you have incorrect capitalization. Don't think this means you fail because you don't; you rock. If you're okay with it, in one of the reviews I'll leave in a chapter coming up soon, I'll type up what my eighth grade teacher put in a capitalization/punctuation packet about dialogue stuff. I want you to get better, but not knowing why you need to or don't need something is important so you can keep from making that mistake again, and I'm bad at explaining things. Also, it'd be annoying for you if I continued to correct every single mistake.

"Light blue light glows underneath his fingertips, covering the photo in a misty haze." You put his, but you need her. Also, maybe don't use 'light blue' to describe the color if you can, as it gets confusing. Maybe try 'baby blue' or 'sky blue.' But if it isn't what you had in mind, keep it the way it is.

“Thanks.” I say, smiling softly." try and stray from the phrase 'smiling softly.' You use it sort of often, so try and describe it a different way.

"So many of them offer me congratulations, and good luck." you don't need the comma after congratulations

"Some of the older misfits just not at me, tears gently streaming down their face." 'nod,' not 'not' Also, I really liked this sentence because it shows the emotions of others, and it makes you guess why they're crying. Maybe jealousy, maybe joy, maybe pride. But it would be nice to know, so maybe throw that in there.

I think you should capitalize 'The Realm' because it is the name of a place.
Also, you need commas before, after, or around names (depends on where in the sentence it is) if someone is addressing that person. You seem to know that, but I saw one line where Billie is saying goodbye where there was no comma. Also when she's saying goodbye to her friends and stuff I totally related. It made me think of my friends and our dreams, and it actually made me tear up because you described it so well that I knew and could feel what Billie was feeling. Superb job!

"With one last look at the place I’d called home, the people I’d grown up with. I step inside the Carrier." you have a period instead of a comma after 'with'

"I look around, and almost scream." no comma in this sentence. Also in that paragraph, don't capitalize 'ice' in 'ice cold water.'

"But as soon as it comes the feeling is gone." put a comma after 'comes'

Only capitalize mom or dad, or any other family title, if it can be replaced with a name and sound right in the sentence.

"I can hear songbirds too, even though we've landed on the inside of the city." put a comma after 'songbirds' as well. and instead of 'on the inside' it would be better to just have 'inside the city'

"There’s clothing shops, called Aphrodite’s closet, with a huge, pink dress that flashes different colors." capitalize closet, and either put 'one' in front of 'called' or make it 'there's a clothing shop.' Also in that paragraph, make sure you make the 'cauldron' after 'smoking' plural.

"The wizards are harder to pick out?" not a question

"Does she really hate in here that much?" It, not in

OH. MY. GOSH. WOW. THAT ENDING. THERE ARE NO WORDS. SO MANY FEELS. AAH.
I'd also really like to compliment you on your fantastic details and description in this chapter. I could really visualize everything. One thing you could think about throwing in is the shape of the buildings on the street they walk down. Do they have dome tops, flat roofs, or pointed roofs? This keeps getting better and better!

I've been meaning to get back to this novel for a while, especially given how helpful you've been in your reviews of my own story. So I'm back, and hopefully I'll be able to get more or less up to date soon.

Since it's been so long since I had read the previous chapters, I went through and reread this from the start.So far the novel is working as a whole, and the chapters link and flow well enough.

So, quibbles:

She helped me pack, though I could see her jaw clenching.

“The Academy, the realm, it’s not what it used to be.”

“I don’t know what it used to be.” I say, “because I’ve never been there.” She sighs, closing my trunk.

But she’s doing little to live up to her words. She’s ignores me for most of the trip, staring out the window. Her hand grips the armrest so tightly I can see veins poking out under her pale wrist.

The Veinlys, as well as several other misfits were waiting for me by the carrier. I‘ve scarcely had time to think about this moment, the goodbye, and now it’s here, and for all my excitement I’m not ready. Alexis has tears in her eyes as she hugs me goodbye.“You’re going to be amazing, Billie,” She says as Ramses wraps his arms around my legs, Mr. Veinly ruffles my hair and Mrs. Veinly took my face in her hands.

“Billie.” She says again, “The academy is expecting us.”Right. The Academy. My dream.

In spite of everything my mother had done she’d given up everything for me.

Here we are,” Ms. Waverunner says, stopping in front of a huge, marbled gate, “Billie, welcome to the Academy

Hello, Artemis, Wolf here for a review.

Aww! That ending made me on the verge if tears! I don't hate her mom really, and from the way she's acting, I can understand that she really doesn't want Billie to visit this realm or academy. Obviously her family has history there and she doesn't want Billie to experience the backlash or something like that. The feeling and in her words really touched me, and I loved that.

I do see this as a little filler chapter, and not much really happens. We, along with Billie, get a first impression on this realm, and I find it quite interesting. Your descriptions of it are nice and I do get that feeling that it is truly beautiful. You answer just enough questions so we are not out of the loop, but not quite enough so that you spoil everything.

I don't have much to critique on, since, again, this seemed like a nice filler. Overall, I feel the plot is progressing nicely, and I'm excited on what the academy has to offer for Billie and to see what she can do, what kind of magic she has. We haven't really seen any of her magic, rather we've heard kind of a synopsis of what happened when she used it once. Now that I think of it, not very much magic has been used at all, and I'm quite excited for this.

Having an extra look from this earlier, I think one reason that her mother is nervous for her is how they will treat her maybe? I'm not sure, but maybe it will come clear soon. Looking at the entire novel, I feel that you are progressing at a good pace and each chapter flows together well. I look forward for more! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

You always keep me on my toes! Ahhhh!

This chapter seems a little dry. Which is okay. Not best but okay. It's sort of a filler chapter seeing that things only start to get going at the end of the chapter. I totally understand this, tho. If it was all action and suspense, it would not agree with reality. You need a little quiet car ride and sad goodbyes. I feel like if this was a cartoon movie it would start raining. It always rains in cartoons at parts like this. But it's not a cartoon so I was glad to know that it wasn't raining. I'm random...

The dialogue was a little flat. But like I said its not that important for this chapter.

Unless this chapter was supposed to be a big deal, you're all good. But if you wanted it to feel more important you might want to do some rewriting. I can't really say what needs work because I think it's fine. I followed the story well and you still kept my attention, even if it seemed a filler.

And with her mom at the end I felt like screaming SILENCE and making Billie listen. I have so many unanswered questions to ask her mom!!! Wait what's her mom's name again?

I hope this review makes sense... If it doesn't than.. I don't know but I think your good here.

To start off, I want to say that you’ve pulled out the present tense narrative nicely. Not many can do that.

I think you need to elaborate at certain points though. Add description. Your action is there, but your narrative seems a bit skinny. For example where they prepare and leave. I think you can allow yourself a bit of elaboration, she’s packing, she goes through her stuff, considers what to take, the mom just sitting there, blank eyed, or maybe she’s helping, telling her to take a sweater or two. Then the long walk to the car or whatever, then her seeing her friends (I assume) sending her off, etc., make it more visible. As it is now it’s still nice and all, but it feels more like a list of what happen than a narrated story.
The scene with the actual goodbye is nice; it’s just the build up to it I think needs a few more details.

Related to what I said above, you need to work on your transitions. Make sure every scene ends, is concluded, and we know where every element ended up, before moving on to the next.

“has saturated them in Photoshop” I always advise against referring products or pop culture. It dates writing. Also can create some copyright infringement and other issues if you decide to publish officially. I mean here it’s not really needed. You can just say “with colours over saturated.”

Blow up the library? Excessive much? She can just call and tell them she’s missing. Or ran away from home? Then the police will look for her but not slap her a court case or a criminal offence. Otherwise, way to ruin your child’s life for good. I mean even if it's not true, and she's released with no charges, you still don't want the law poking into your business, criminal offences, or the suspicion of such, are kind of a very big deal. Just not something a good mother would do. There have to be better ways.
I do think this journey should be more of a big deal. I don’t really know how you can improve it to be fair, but generally you need more obstacles of your character going from point A to point B. Maybe she ends up at point C.

So those two are the biggest issues, make the story more visual and make sure you have enough conflict. The final twist with the mother is nice and all, but before… Though no, maybe you don’t need more conflict if you had enough in the chapters around, but you still need to make it more visible, less of a list.

So that’s it from me. Good job so far and keep up the good work.