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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello, Artemis, Wolf here for another review.
I will do my best to keep my fangirling to a minimum, but no guarantees.
The part about the sorcerers leaving was quite interesting to me. I can see why they were driven to summon the demon in the first place, and its kind of sad. A common saying is that history tends to repeat itself. Though I am confused; we never received an explanation of the sorcerers hid the realm in the first place, and how Lucian could justify it. I guess I'm not looking at it in the same way as he, but I agree with Billie's point, it does seem like they betrayed the other races.
I really don't have much else to say. You do a really good job of world building, and character development. Sometimes I forget that Lucian is a sorcerer, and I do wonder why its forbidden for a Sorcerer to date a Faerie. Are they afraid of what the crossbreed would be if they had children? That seems like a good point, but what about warlocks and witches? They don't seem to have a crossbreed between them, yet I hear no forbidden dating there. Interesting...
Lucian seems so indecisive. At one point he's totally into her, and then she embarrasses herself in front of him. After that he ignores her, and really hurts Billie, but then he offers to tutor her. What? What's up with this dude! I like Billie's reaction to him though. How she doesn't really want much to do with him at the moment. You go Billie!
The plot direction doesn't seem very clear to me. Yeah sure she's trying to stay in this academy, but what happens after she graduates. I feel like there is something missing, like a bigger picture that Billie should be aiming for. I don't know if it's just me, or if you are planning something giant and devious. Anyways, on to the next part! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thanks dearest. Lucian gives a better explanation later, though there's still room for doubt. Lucian also explains the whole dating thing later. And Lucian's behavior...well, I've written a lot of behind the scenes stuff for him so I can connect the dots, but you get to live in the dark...
Usually I don’t comment on starting with dialogue if it’s not the very opening of the very first chapter, but here I think you might want to reset the scene with a short establishment narration before going into dialogue. Sometimes speech is self-sustained and clear right off the bat, but here you need a little bit more before the dialogue gets going.
Vary your sentence structure. You seem to favour “I” constructions a little but too much. Look it over and find a way to go around them. (I don’t know if I already said this, if I did sorry, but I want to bring your full attention to it.)
Something funky going on here. First I think you can convey it’s a shout by putting an exclamation mark behind the name. Second “I hear someone” then “it sounds like Arthur” this is a clear example of a case where you can and should shorten. You can just say “I hear Arthur shout and keep moving. But he follows, his hand wrapping around my wrist to spin me around.” See? A whole paragraph into a few sentences. You still get that Billie doesn’t want to talk to him, she walks off, and you still see his concern, he chases. Simple, short, and clear.
Look over your dialogue, it can be too wordy at times.
Have no complains about your point of view or tense use, once more nice use of present.
A really easy example on how you can turn tell into show. Here you tell. While you can very easily say: feeling my cheeks warm. More visual, and overall better. Have this in mind when you revise and when you encounter similar moments think whether they can’t be rephrased.
You use the same phrase to refer to the same thing by two different character. If he can’t read thoughts, he shouldn’t be using her words. That way you lose of the uniqueness of the characters and the illusion of difference. Remember every character is, well, different, they have different stories, attitudes, personalities and behaviours. In writing, using the same phrases unintentionally takes away from that.
That’s pretty much all. The story itself drags a bit and I blame it on wordy dialogue and similar structure from time to time. So those should be your main concerns.
Thank you, this is exactly what I needed.
Ok I'm here to review. And also fangirl over your book
(Do I start too many reviews with "Ok"? I feel like I do..)
Anyway..
Aw I really like what's happening here! Who knew I'd have a reason to like Lucian? I sure wasn't expecting it.
This isn't a huge thing but here "He stops, dropping my wrist. I don’t realize why until I feel the dampness on my cheeks" I had to read this twice. Not a good sign. Maybe you could say "...until I feel tears rolling down my cheeks" or something. Maybe not that exactly, but try to make the point that she is crying a little clearer. Reading it twice distracts from the moment.
I'm having a hard time keeping track of all the races and cross-races. Ahh! It's frustrating, but it might be just me...
It would be nice to remind us as we go along what things mean that are being mentioned again from the past. If that makes sense. Like when you mention the tourist version of the dome, remind us about it and the flaws it has with the sorcerer history.
You seem to keep messing up your dialogue capitalization throughout the whole book. For example "“Yes,” he says quietly, “I suppose they’re not.” He looks at me, “are you coming to lunch?”" The second part, "are' should be capitalized. You keep doing this throughout every chapter. This might be due to bad grammar habits, but it's probably because of fast typing. Just make sure to edit it out later.
It was hard to find things to pick on in this chapter. Good job and keep going!!