Chapter 20: The Soul

Hey, Artemis! Wolf here finally for a review. I'm going to tell you right now that, since this is review day, my reviews are going to be very scattered and they might repeat things people have said previously, because I am not going through everyone's reviews. But that's okay, because if something is repeated by two different people, it's got to be important, right? Good, to the real review!

Was there a time skip in the middle of that? After Billie gave up trying to open the lock again, she went into the hall. Then suddenly it switched to her talking about bonfires? I was really confused there and then Lucian was there too, so I assume it was a time skip. But what really confused me is that it went back to Lucian being gone. He was just there around the random bonfire? If it was a time skip, to keep the confusion away, I recommend you use three asterisks to show it. But just clear up that part in general.

I have to admit, I got more confused as it went on. If Lucian met Billie back at the academy and led her over the wall, why are they at the arena? More importantly, how did they get back? The time skip thing sort of threw me off. Also, what did Artemis mean by Billie was fighting for the right side? Wasn't she against Artemis?

So, I've got a review full of critique today, don't I? Another thing I have is there is a lot, a lot, a lot of action in this. And at some points it's hard to follow. There's Thea looks at Billie, the back at Iris, then back at Billie. I feel like that's sort of unnecessary to tell all that. While everything is all action packed and all, it would be easier to summarize as her hesitating and glancing back and forth. Other areas could probably be condensed as well. There was a lot of telling what happened, and it seemed slightly harder to follow to me. Even though I can understand that everything is supposed to be chaotic.

Finally, I'm not really sure I like Artemis. She seems awfully one sided. Yes, she hates Billie because she's a rusty and she thinks she's better, but I feel like her dialogue is too cliche. She has this high and mighty feel, but it's just the average school bully. Try to find a way to give her her own flare and style while terrorizing Billie.

Now, for praise, my attention has been grabbed. I'm really super curious as to what the heck just happened back there. Why are they attacking? What will they do to Billie, because obviously Artemis is going to tattle on her. There's so many possibilities, and while there's still some work to be done, I'm really enjoying this. Nice job! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

First off, I'm just going to apologise for not reading the previous few chapters so if I ask any questions which have already been answered, feel free to ignore me.
This is a really long chapter and, whilst it's a normal length for a regular book chapter, for the purposes of this site, it might be a good idea to split it into two parts in order to get more reviews.
Something which I've noticed about your work is that a lot of your dialogue has no 'label' to it i.e saying Lucian said instead of just leaving it blank, which can confuse the reader after a while. You might want to work on thinking about how the character would say the line rather than just putting down what you would say, which can become confusing as readers have no way to differentiate between characters as they all sound like the same person. Think about how each character would say 'hello' or 'goodbye' because everything says it differently and how they say it is a good indicator about their background and their personality.
A lot of people underestimate the importance of dialogue; instead focusing on long-winded flowery descriptions but dialogue can be used to great affect when it comes to the fine art of creating well-rounded and likable (unless, of course you don't want them to be likeable).
I really enjoyed this chapter but I would advise you to focus on the characterisation and dialogue a little bit so that we can learn to love the characters more.

Well I love your excellent dialog and story creating skills, however there was one big problem I as a writer find myself in all of the time. It simply moves too fast. If you tried more detail and more explanation; more emphasis; you would discover your pages filling up much quicker and finding your readers far more in tune with the story. Yes, when writing it is nice to get the point across but it's so much more than that. When writing you can play with words, and use them excessively. For an example: Instead of saying "... before turning and fleeing the arena" you could say "... before turning swiftly, still stunned, and fleeing the now aflame arena." Obviously you can make a sentence like this one but more tasteful, this is simply my example of emphasis. Separate events in paragraphs more often. "I bite my tongue to stop my grumbling and follow after him, focusing on the rhythmic movement of his shoulders as I try to distract myself from the cold. Finally, mercifully, we emerge in a slightly warmer room. Lucian lifts his hand, and a glowing orb appears in his palm, allowing us to see. The room is circular with high ceilings, the walls of which are lines with shelves of scrolls in various stages of disrepair. And scattered around the room are several footlockers and a few crumbling artifacts," could be written with much more emphasis and then separated into their own paragraphs. The reading was simply going too fast for my comprehension. I knew what was happening, but I was not told how to feel. A writer must show the reader what to feel. I hope you found this slightly useful, and keep writing!! -Shaylin
ps) Revise your chapter for spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes also