This book is no longer available for viewing here because it has been published! Click the link below to check it out!
E-book:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/sara-e-tall/alpha-misfits...
Paperback:
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Whoa..... Whoa.
Whoa.
Ok I literally am like only able to say 'whoa.' I could continue but after a couple more times it would get annoying.
So I'll only say it a couple more times.
Whoa.
Holy crap. Oh my word.
Wow.
I just.... I just... I have no words...
BESIDES 'YOU'RE A GENIUS!'
Btw, I love your chapter titles. I love the 'The' thing and I love how it gives a clue as to what's happening, but you only understand if you read the chapter.
:'( People got here before me :'( I prolly deserve it since I haven't reviewed a chapter since the last review day. But I've been busy out of my mind with basketball. So that's what I get. Sorry now I'm rambling and venting. Lets get to this long awaited review, shall we? XD
Ok so I finished the book as you know so I can't exactly comment on all the suspense I felt, now that I know what happens. It's just not the same. But that's how it worked out so.... Whatevs...
Yeah and it's hard reviewing just one chapter without thinking of the big picture now. Ok I'll try to stop venting and try to be helpful.
Like always, you did an amazing job of bringing me into Billie's mind and feelings, making me experience it. I wish every writer understood this: This is what every reader wants. We want the experiences of the characters to be our own. You always do an amazing job with this. I think that's why I love your book so much. Like the story and setting aren't normally what I like to read. But setting and story and genre mean nothing if you can't connect with the characters or experience the book. Ok tiny rant there. But you hit that nail right on the head.
I think that was the real problem with the very first chapter. I can't exactly remember. But you've come a LONG way since then. Give yourself a pat on the back. Like right now. Actually pat yourself on the back as you read this.
Did you? Good.
Plot twist. Lucian actually opens up and tells her personal stuff!! Ok, not actually a plot twist. But totally unexpected. And slightly out of character. Sorry. But why all of a sudden does he start sharing all this stuff with her? Don't get me wrong, I loved hearing juicy new info on Lucian's mysterious past. But idk.. Maybe it's just me.
Anyway that's not a huge deal.
I feel like if there WAS a huge problem with the plot/story line, I wouldn't notice. My reviews are from a reader's perspective. Writers notice those things.
It's been so long since I read this word by word so if there are nitpicks, it's on you this time. Actually I leave it up to you most of the time anyway so... yeah.
Anyway great chapter! I love the setting of the facility at night. So eerie and suspenseful. Nice job with that and everythang else!!
This review was brought to you in paaaart byy:
Black Knights and company.
Hello, Artemis! Wolf here for a review.
Okay, this is an exception. I read Rosey's review, and I agree with her in saying that you should try to look for other ways to start your sentences. I counted in one of your first paragraphs at least four sentences starting with I... Consecutively. No worries, it's something everyone struggles with, and you don't notice it until someone points it out. Even I still have trouble with this. Just practice some more with it and you'll be fine.
Another thing I want to point out before moving on in the story is that you're using more thoughts in narration, which I love. You may remember a review not too long ago, I rambled on about connecting the narration with the character's personality. I see a little bit more here, and it makes it all the better. Hopefully I'll see more?
I love being able to finally get a good look at how Lucian was raised, what shaped him to be the person he is today. Or presently. That is an interesting connection that Thea made before, how Thorin and Carina's parents were evil, and Jae's family. Then Lucian comes and connects them all. How he said they see each other as people makes sense. They come from similar backgrounds so they can empathize.
But I still wonder what changed in Lucian. What made him realize all that? As Billie points out, Lucian is still very mysterious.
I really don't have much to say. I'm enjoying all of this, and I feel like I have a real book in my hands and I'm enjoying the adventure of a character. It's wonderful learning more of Billie, and no matter how she tries, she can't hide the fact she likes Lucian :3 Anywho, onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hello.
Haven't read any previous parts, just going off what I see here.
You have a lot of "I" sentences. Subject, verb, object, with the bulk of your sentences— especially those with action— starting with I. This draws attention to your prose and makes it honestly a little boring to read. I found myself noticing your formatting more than your story, which isn't good. The tense choice and sentence structure should be background information that nobody pays attention to, and here I am, analyzing every part of your actual mechanics because you've given me a reason for looking at your mechanics.
It can be really awkward to not start every sentence with I, and I'd suggest you read lots of first person writing to see how you can change your sentence structure up. I've found, writing first person myself, that the more you realize you start a lot of sentences with I, the more you start fixing it just because you go "oh this is a mistake." It's a fix you'll get more by intuition and reading than any sort of advice I can give you. Figure out what your character would add and how you can not make a protagonist-centric narrative.
Past that, you have a lot of infodumping in your dialogue. It sounds like a professor's lecture instead of anything really alive. Dialogue is an honestly fantastic way of getting information out, but the thing that makes dialogue fantastic is the information is filtered through the character's voice. Unfortunately I can't tell if this character speaks that way all the time from one chapter, especially since his whole dialogue in this chapter is instructional.
However, I would pay attention to his voice and seeing if you've not made him a backstory delivery system. It's very easy to have characters know a bunch of information that's plot relevant for the purpose of delivering it, and you don't actually take into account how they'd say the information they know. How somebody says information is extremely important, and right now I'm not really getting Lucian's voice past "here's the information about all this cool stuff you're doing right now".
This is fairly interesting. However, you're lacking a lot of polish. You'll get there. Just be more attentive for character voice, why you're doing things, and the prose itself.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hi there! I'm here to review this chapter. Now as much as I'd like to, I don't have the time to read the book from the beginning, so for the time being I'll be reviewing only this chapter in particular.
To start off, let's do a bit of nitpicking.
I suck in a long breath, filling my lungs to their full capacity.
Your chest doesn't have a capacity, your lungs do. They're the ones holding the air in...so its their capacity being used to the fullest. It's like filling a room as opposed to a house. If its a room that you've filled with goodies, you wouldn't be talking about the capacity of the house, would you?
From the above, I hope you've gotten an idea of the general areas that could do with a bit of modification. Now let's move on to broader topics.
Dialogue
This is one of the best things about this chapter. I love your dialogue! The character voices are distinctive and unique, and never mesh into one another as they often do in the more amateur works. The conversations have a clear direction and a good pace. Overall I can think of nothing to correct here. Very well done!
Characters
The characters are well-written and interesting, each with their unique characteristics. Even though I haven't read the entire story, they hook me in, making me want to know more about them. As I said in the previous section, they each have their distinctive voices which helped me to recognize them as unique individuals, even without much background knowledge about their lives or personalities.
Plot
As this is the first chapter I'm reading, I can't say much about the plot...but from what I understood from reading this you have a clear sense of plot construction and a definite direction in which the story is headed, so there's nothing more I need to say in that regard.
Descriptions
Your descriptions are generally quite good, but of all the sections this was the only one in which I felt there was room for improvement. You are in your element when writing dialogue and conversation, the descriptions are where you seem to stumble, even slightly. Firstly, I haven't seen much but from what I have, they seem to be a bit generic. For example your description of the dark hallway at the beginning, to compare it to being surrounded by a dark mist seemed a bit over the top. You see, mist shifts...it isn't stagnant or solid. So being surrounded by dark mist would give you an oppressive darkness with random flashes of illumination when the mist shifts away from your eyes. Somehow, I don't feel like that's what you were trying to describe here, particularly since the scene is taking place within a building.
Overall, I really like your writing style. Its interesting and original, and your characterization is honestly quite brilliant! As long as you take care of the typos and the minor errors here and there, this will turn out to be a brilliant story! Thank you for sharing. I had a great time reading it!
Thank you for your review, it was very helpful. There's one thing I would like to clarify, however. While traditionally, warlocks have been male and witches female, my book, along with others, have played with that. For example, in Cassandra Clare's novel, all the magicians, male and female, are called warlocks, and the same thing is happening here. There are female warlocks and male witches. I understand this isn't traditional, but there you have it. Thank you. Description is definitely weak spot, so I loved your help!
Oh I see. As I said, I hadn't read the entire novel so I didn't know the details. But if that's the case then your writing makes perfect sense.
And I'm glad you found the review helpful. You're very welcome!!