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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Something funny is going on here. I think the “when it’s clamoring with people” trips it up. It just derails the power of the sentence I think. I would either remove it or find a way to rephrase the entire structure.
I am not sure how to comment on this one. It’s nice to point out the boy was Asian but I am not a fan of using stereotypes when it comes to ethnicity. Mostly because they are logically incorrect. Asian has come to mean Chinese or someone coming from East Asia. Thing is Asia is freaking huge. There’s the Middle East, India, Russia, Cambodia, and many, many other huge countries with widely varied ethnic groups and peoples, most of which are Asian but not ‘Asian’ if you get what I mean. I don’t know, I just cringe every time someone uses it like that because I can’t make my mind whether it’s offensive or simply a convention.
Just to be on the safe side I would either find another way to convey he’s from East Asia or skip naming his ethnicity entirely if it is not integral to the plot. But I’ve sidetracked enough.
I think that sentence needs a “he is” before the too. Else it sounds a bit off.
Is he? It’d be awesome if he turned out to be a bad ass warrior, pummeling the association of glasses and books to mages to the ground.
There it is again… the pain… sorry, blame my education but I dislike using the concept of race as a given. It’s just such a messed up term with no clear definition these days. But I was going somewhere with this... if you have a race/ethnicity theme in your work cool, though it might be a bit unnecessary. You should definatelly work on it and work with caution. If not, however, and it is relevant to the plot, you shouldn’t underline it. At least not in such a way and in such crude terms.
Spoiler
Speaking of dialogue it becomes a bit too expository towards the end though at this point I don’t know how you can fix that. Just put it in a note somewhere in case you ever think of a better way to introduce the lore on the war.
Typo.
The story picks up again after the history blurb, which is still giving me the evil eye. No, you definitely need to think of a way to make it less malicious.
Is the scene with the boils and the two girls necessary? I mean maybe it is, but it seems as if you are sidetracking from the main plot a bit. Get to the point sooner, and see if you can cut out unnecessary corners. I mean, I see you are trying to set up a mystery, but I think you still need to work on that passage a little bit more.
The fight scene nicely diversifies the dialogue though. You can make it less wordy, have a bit of silence, boost up that tension, then get the spells flying. Just focus on the descriptions and really show us the spells and their effects.
So good job again, just make sure you stick close to the main story line and all the side story lines are nicely put in their places.
Ok first, thank you. This was amazing. Second, I should clarify something. When they say race, they mean species, sorcerer, caster, faerie, wizard etc... not ethnicity. For wahtever, I don't like species, I like referring to them as magical races, but if it becomes too big a proble I'll make sure to sue species instead. You are totally right to freak out like that, I just thought I would let you know that, for that particular sentence, it was unfounded. Racism is a theme in this book, just not over ethnicity, over species.
Sorry I didn't mean it as a freak out. And yeah as I said that term is too ambiguous. (I also haven't read enough it seems to pick up you meant magic classes.) There has to be a better less confusing term indeed. Maybe class, rank, grade, caste? Caste is good maybe? Still symbolizes division but is less ambiguous and can apply both to social classes and professions? It's up to you. You can write out a rough sketch of the social hierarchy of your world and see what fits. Race just has too much of a history to use lightly.
Hello again, Artemis, Wolf here for a review.
One thing that came to me while I was reading is that you use the word smirk a lot, especially when talking about Sedna or a villainous character (with the exception of Thorin at the end). People don't just smirk, and villains have many other capable facial expressions. Such as, a devious grin, or a cold smile. Other synonyms would work in those cases, just be careful not to overuse one phrase.
Another thing, which might not be criticism, is how Lucian reacts. Really, I have a hard time believing he's only a junior, since he acts and handles situations in such a mature way. He's just a really smart guy and then super mature, when are we going to see his cons? All we are seeing are his prose. Smart, attractive, caring, what next? be careful not to make him too perfect, makes him loose his interesting-ness.
I kind of like the step back and showing Billie watching a scene rather than being right in the middle of it. It's a nice change, since for once she can kind of feel what others are feeling when people are watching her humiliate herself. Sorry for the really short review, since I am kind of on a time constraint. I will definitely read more later! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thank you. Here you've hit on one of my biggest concerns with this book, Lucian. I beleive he's a well developed character, because I know why he does everything he does. But for people who don't, he comes across as a Gary sue, which is a problem, I know. The one explanation I can give you is that he overcompensates? Tries to hard to be good. I've been trying to let his weaknesses slip through the cracks, but I can't do that too much or he wouldn't be Lucian. Anyway, feel free to comment anytime he feels boring or too perfect, I need to know when people start having that reaction.
Happy Review Day!! Go team Aqua!!!
Anyway..
This chapter gets a little confusing as I go along reading.
Lets talk about lunch. First I think the whole name discussion between Thorin and Billie should be around introduction time instead of after the history on clamor. I feel like everyone at the table is saying "So..." way too much. This kinda bogs down your dialogue. Also "“Right, La-pizza. Anyway, that’s why she joins us.” “That’s not...the only reason,” Lucian says bracingly" got me a little confused. At first I thought Billie was saying that La-pizza comment. Clarify who's saying that. And what's that other reason? Does he like her or something?
Continuing on, I'm getting confused with names and races. I'm always confused with races. The fey and sorcerers are the only ones I can keep track of because they have distinct characteristics. Fey are pretty and fire-y and sorcerers are dark and pale. Assign certain characteristics to each race to help us remember what that race does/is known for.
To help with names, describe more of what your new characters look like. Believe me, it will help soooo much and bring your book to a whole new level.
In the heated exchange ya might say, I was confused on what caused it to start and what caused it to end. Was there a point to that other than to show Lucian's take-charge ability? Tell me more about it so that there are fewer unanswered questions at the end of the chapter!!
Ok I know this review wasn't the best but hopefully it wasn't to confusing. When I'm confused, my reviews can be confusing too. Hope I could help!
this review courtesy of
TEAM AQUA
Oh I forgot. Problem!! Artemis calls people "princess" too. Sedna should have it all to herself or not use it at all. It's too close and confusing.
Thanks dearest, I'll work through these kinks. The purpose of this chapter was too establish Lucian's palce in the social order, and also get things going between the warlocks and wizards, who are my main rivaling races. I'm thinking of adding more to the realm where Billie goes through all the races so they're clearer, but I'll see what i can doo, thanks again!