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140,397 Literary Works • 673,155 Reviews
Hello, Artemis. Wolf here for a review.
Sorry it took me so long to get to this part, but I'm here now! Ah, the festival. Yes, I get there's a lot to see, a lot to do, but so kind of wish more of Billie's thoughts were included. In some spots, it was sufficient, but in others it was quite lacking. Two examples I have are, 1) When the two of them were going around the festival, seeing performers and such, I don't feel like there was much of Billie's thoughts of it. Sure we get the connotation that she's in awe, but I think maybe a bit of how Billie interprets it would be cool. 2) During the history lesson, there was quite a bit of information.
Now, I want to talk about this on its own (thus it deserves its own paragraph.) Might I ask why you moved this to later on in the story? I haven't checked out the new edited version of the dome scene, but I feel like that was a good time to introduce the history of the races, and I don't really see the point of it here. Possibly I'm biased since the first one I saw was in the dome, but I still believe that that point it a great place to start introducing everything to Billie, along with the readers. Back to my original point, try to maybe add in more of what Billie thinks of the lesson along with the show, since there are frequent pauses between dialogue where there is narration.
When I saw the Coluseum, I instantly thought of gladiator fights. Will they do that? That would be pretty epic to read (and fun to write too xD) So far, much of the festival is kind of breezed through. Maybe later on I'll get this, but as of now, I'm not really seeing what's so special about this festival or why Lucian would bother sneaking Billie out just to see it. It just seems like any other Halloween festival with a touch of magic. It makes me curious, but I wish you would draw events out a little more. What does she do? Also, I'm kind of confused on how long they are there, what time of day it is when they arrive. Try making these little things clear.
Anyways, I'm eagerly waiting for the next chapter to this lovely novel. What awaits next in the festival? Hopefully I'll find out soon.
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare
Knight r4 here to review this work, Artemis! I saw this work completely forlorn toward the back of the Green Room and decided that I would bestow a review on you! Keep in mind if I have any questions that you are stupid if you have read the rest of the book that this is the first chapter I have read in this story.
I certainly hope that this helps your editing... 
Oh, and before reading this I thought I would point out the title words need to be capitalized. 
You may want to add something at the end of this sentence such as "I exclaim" or something to indicate the tone that your MC is speaking in.This is rather confusing. I think it would help dramatically if you were to simply take out the "I reply" part. In this case something like that just interrupts the flow of the dialogue.
Really? These names are just getting way too out of hand!
I notice as I read that you are using "Billie" a whole lot in the dialogue. This kind of makes it a little too formal for small talk. People who know each other "generally use pronouns when they talk.
Uh, what is a corporal dragon? I can't find any definitions matching it.
Overall this was a pretty good chapter! The only thing, as far as the big picture is concerned, that I am concerned about is that you didn't really connect this chapter. In the first part Billie was trying to escape somewhere and then in the next part he is just chilling and letting himself be entertained. That doesn't really make any sense to me. Aside from that this was good!