Chapter 25: The Recovery

Also, maybe describe the ballroom/assembly hall. It'd be nice to get a visual on that and understand the setting more. Just a brief but clear description would be fine.

OH MY GOSH! I LOVE THE STUFF WITH HER PARENTS AND ALENA.
Maybe make her have more of a reaction when she sees the picture. After all, it is the first time she's ever seen her dad.

OH MY GOSH. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU MANAGE TO LEAVE ME FREAKING OUT AND SPEECHLESS AFTER EACH CHAPTER, BUT YOU DO. AAAHH. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

Hey, Artemis! Wolf here for a review.

These are getting better and better! So, usually I'll making a comment or two while I'm reading, giving you my straight thoughts, but this flowed so well and it kept my attention through the entire thing. It was really really well done. Now and then I paused and thought for a second, but for the most part I was never really distracted.

Alright then, there was one tiny little thing that got to me. Why didnt Billie wonder what the servant woman wanted? She seemed to just go with the flow of everything, never once questioning it or saying something like, "And you're telling me this because...?" I found that a little odd. Sure she's talking about her mother, but wouldn't have a reason to say all this? Wouldn't Billie at least wonder this reason?

Another thing, which isn't necessarily bad, at one point I sat back and just said outloud, "Lucian is such a ladies man isn't he? *slow clap* Nice job man. Nice job." Which then earned me a look from my parents. Anywho. Just wanted to let you know my thoughts and reactions to the characters.

The ending, like usual, was the greatest. It makes sense that she wouldn't be able to go home, but I never really thought about it like that. Or what would happen ever. You've done a great job creating the scene now and holding us in it, pulling in prospect of the future opens my eyes and it's really cool. Where will Billie be? What does she plan to do? She stuck here, isn't she? So much to know. Only way to find out is to keep reading. Once again, fantastic job. Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

Review day!!! I wasn't first. *pouts*

Now for the review.

Why? Why do you make it so hard on me? I'm supposed to give you helpful advice but noooo... You don't need it. Ugh. XD

Oooh after I read this a couple weeks ago, I was sooo happy!! Finally I know more about her history. And she can't go back??? That was unexpected. Unexpected is good.

Except wont she miss Hunter, the love of her life?? Oh and she might miss her mom and friends and stuff, but their importance pails in comparison to Hunter. XD Billunter is still real.

mother of the fae

Hey Art! Happy review day!


Commas

Ease up on them a little. Commas are used to merge two ideas or clauses into one (except when you use them in lists and stuff.) They can be used for pacing but like with any technique it gets old if you use it too much.

"When she saw me walking by, her eyes glimmered" - this for example. The sentence is short on its own and there isn't a reason to use a comma. If anything, it's incorrect because 'when she saw me walking by' isn't a complete clause since it doesn't make sense on its own.

"I don’t want to stand alone and look stupid, but I can’t make myself join any of the chatting side groups, or, heaven forbid, enter the dance floor" - here you use 'but', which is a connective. It has the same function as a comma in joining two clauses together, so you don't need to them both.

Dress descriptions

This is so hard to pull off! And you've done it brilliantly.

One of my favourite books is Memoirs of a Geisha. Every time the author describes a gown it's completely new and different from the last one even with a vivid description, and that fascinates me- but that's based on someone's memory. For you to completely create each of these dresses and describe them so well is quite an admirable talent.


Pacing

Apart from the issue with the commas, the overall pacing of this is really good. It's not too fast and not too slow; just enough to keep me on the edge of my seat without losing any of the beautiful details. You've balanced the description, action and introspection really well.

Other notes

"...My stomach turns to lead and blood rushes through my fingertips like hot, slow iron..." I love this line too much not to comment. 'Rushes' and 'like slow iron' don't really fit together >.< However, that description of hot, slow iron in the veins is fantastic.

Overall

This is really good! I haven't read the whole novel, but even at chapter twenty five the characters are still vivid enough for me to understand and adore them, which is an attention that many writers lose after the first few chapters. I really hope you manage to finish this.

Keep up the good work!