Chapter 21: The Deadline

Hey, Artemis! Wolf here for a review.

Alright, this chapter seemed to jump around a little bit. First it started with Billie having to pass her finals, then there's the drama with Lucian and Billie being special. (I really want to know what that's about. Seriously, why does it dissolve for her??) But then I think it time skips. It's really confusing when it switches to talking about Sedna and her fight with Iris. The thing with Lucian and how she's doing magic-wise makes sense, but the feud in alpha is totally different. Now if there was a slightly better transition, I wouldn't mind it, so maybe work on those more.

Rereading it, I do see a small transition, Billie thinking back on Lucian smiling, but that's harder to use since this is written in present. Oh, and I want to reiterate the asterisks for time skips. Now, enough of that.

Also, from this point over, I'll probably comment as I read, since I had something else to comment about Lucian, but I forgot it, sorry. Overall, this chapter was well written. Another thing that is pointed out time and time again is dialogue and characterization. Yes, Lucian and Billie are pretty well rounded, but it's harder to figure out Sedna and Artemis. There are other ways to expose their motives not from them, and I suggest you build off of this.

I did like the confrontation scene, because we were really able to see how things are becoming in Alpha, with them threatening to take this dance or thing away. People are being weary, but there are still tensions. Nice job portraying this. Onto the next part! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

Hi again!!! Let's get right into to the review, shall we??

So right off the bat I noticed sooo many spelling/grammar errors in this chapter! But I trust you can find and edit those on your own so have fun with that haha!!

Lucian makes me stay after class the day after Ms. Morningsky gave me my ultimatum, and prove to Mr. Merlin that I do actually have magic. He’s relieved, but he says I’m still behind my classmates, and for my final I will need to sustain my magic for a whole minute.

“Sorry,” I mumble. The boy, a warlock, based on the thick black streaks that coiled up his arm, looked like he had more he wanted to say, but he just shook his head and kept going. I heave a sigh of relief, and then stiffen when I hear a crash up ahead.

I sigh, Sedna.

“Hate to break it you, but they’re not always going to be there to save you.

Hey I'm back for this chapter! Will review sometime soon!!!

Okay--so I hit submit before I meant to, haha. I have to say before you read my extremely long review--I picked up on pretty basic editing things. You've got good words, just needs a bit of cleaning up...which is why the editing is one of the most excruciating parts of writing, haha.

This is probably going to sound like the pickiest of picky things, but it's not a bad thing:
I've seen it be very successful in the dialogue of public-official-types to not use contractions. It makes them seem really distinctive, because as humans, we're pretty conversational to do so. I would maybe play around with his dialogue and see if it makes a big enough difference to initiate a change!

You dropped a quote here:
semester masquerade.**"** The people around me gasp, I guess this is a big deal.

I also like that your narrator isn't shocked by the disciplinary action. Oh no, no dance! Haha.

I don't know how much formatting you've done on your own (as far as italics, etc.) but a lot of writers opt to put internal thoughts--like, the things we're asking ourselves into italics. It does aid for smoother reading in some scenes, but it also is one of those things you have to be continuous with. I would think about it--like I suggested with my first point. Maybe try it on a section (if you're not already--I don't know if they let you italicize things here...) and see which you like better!

It needs some basic editing (who writes first or third drafts perfectly? ) but that's not a big deal. It helps to read things out loud to pick up on word order issues, etc. There are a few I caught:
--I’d would thought it come up -- there's some word confusion. Should be something like, "I would have thought it'd come up"
--pass you’re final -- wrong form of your
--“Hey watch it.” Someone grumbles -- I would put a break after the hey--"Hey, watch it!" Punctuation can be a powerful tool.
--until I see Sedna leering of a small girl -- should be at, not of

In the scene where Lucian and Billie are arguing in the hallway, I seemed to think they were yelling and had to go back up to check. It might be beneficial to toss in a tag or two in those sections just to enforce that they're heatedly whispering--can't be overheard, after all.

I like it! Good descriptives! Is there a reason the trio of mean girls (Daphne, Artemis, Phoebe) all have greek names? I haven't read any parts of your book but this one, so I might have missed that...

Okay--so I