Young Writers Society

Hello, Artemis. Wolf here for a review.

The last part of the prophecy is true? I wonder which part is considered 'the last'. Is it cut straight in half, or is it just the last four lines? What's it even about? Is Billie said Pheonix? Who knows! Can't wait to find all this out. Everything is starting to pull together, but the more we know, the more we want to know. Hmmm.

Anyways, one thing that really confused me was where they were the entire time. So in the beginning we're told that they scaled the wall again and then went to the resident area of the realm, but I have no idea where that is in relation to everything else. Was it right by the wall? An hours walk? Past the Colosseum? Maybe make these things more clear?

Also, the transition seemed really fast to me. At one point they're looking at the statues in people's lawns, but then they're already at the show? I don't know if I missed something, but I don't recall ever reading something that said they traveled to somewhere to witness the oracle. It did mention they would go to see her, but there was no narration of them actually going. So I have no idea what the surroundings were. Were they on the street? In the bleachers of some place? Make these settings more clear. You do a nice job of showing action descriptions of that woman, but where they are is kind of lacking.

Another little suggestion, try adding other senses into your description. Did the smoke have a strange odor? Did the air feel sticky and hot? Was she sitting or standing? Little things like that help to make the scene really come alive.

Otherwise, really nice job! This is all coming along nicely, and each chapter we learn more and more. Having Lucian be the sort of 'over explains everything guy' is really cool and nice to have since we learn a lot along with Billie. There's so much else I want to know, but I guess I have to wait. Hope to see more soon. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare

Hi!

I'd just like to tell you how much I like this story so far!

The first bit about protecting the realm reminded me quite a bit of game of tones, but they are similar time periods and genres so that's nothing really!

The one thing that annoyed me, was the excessively long dialogue. I think you need some more descriptions around those parts to even it out, because while conversations go like that in real life, its a non spoken rule that we don't put those conversations in writing

I did like your narrative and you're an extremely stylish writer overall, and the descriptions you have are really phenomenally good! They're realistic and I can really see what you see, or at least it feels like that, so brilliant job there!

The ending could be slightly more developed, maybe slightly more of a cliff-hanger to encourage people to read more, its a bit too abrupt, and has a finality to it that we would use at the very end of a story, not the end of the chapter!

Overall though I thought you did a great job and I'm looking forward to reading more! Well done on this!