Young Writers Society

Ok. HER MOM WORKED AT THE FACILITY?! OH MY WORD! I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE RIGHT NOW.
But considering the reaction I had, Billie should probably have more of a reaction to learning more about her mom.


AOGLDMOVAHHOHEWGONAOHERBONAFHNLKKFJJOAH AIG OAFOBNAOHBBOIARN I NEED MORE BUT IT'S SO LATE. OK. TOMORROW. OK.

Hello! I'm here to review on behalf of the Earth Benders!
I'm going to give you a few specific things here and there as I read.

At "“We all did. She was our best and brightest, and a great friend," you don't need the comma after brightest, even though it seems like there should be.

I really like how this story has voice, but it's also professional sounding.

Consider capitalizing the class' names in "In my environmental magic and harnessing living energy classes"

When you say "My first day back, I’d run to the dining hall" it should be 'I ran' because otherwise it sounds like you mean 'I would run"

Personally I think "Lunch is almost over when Lucian does show up" would sound better with 'shows up'

Consider specifying who is speaking at "“Do you still have that book about ancient sorcerers’ texts I let you borrow? Can I have it back?” It would be better if we knew who talked right away.

Maybe mention when she's sitting down by Thorin who else is at the table.

"This freshmen wizard bumps into a senior warlock, Oceanus, I think his name is." You don't need a comma after Oceanus

"and ending up gasping on the floor with gills in his neck" should be ended. This school sounds awesome so far XD

"I mean, do you regret it." Put a question mark here instead of a period, unless she's clarifying what she means without it being a question.

OH MY GOSH. THEY KISSED. THEY KISSED. AAAHHHHH. AND THIS IS THE FIRST CHAPTER I'VE READ (bad idea right? XD)

"“I don’t get it.” I say." You need a comma instead of a period after 'I don't get it.'

"His eyes are on me as he steps forward, he grabs my face and presses me against the wall and kisses me." The sentence should end where the comma is, and maybe for the second part have "He grabs my face, presses me against the wall, and kisses me."

"“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He starts to go, then comes back and kisses me on the forehead, almost like an afterthought." If Lucian says this, it would be better grammatically to combine this with the previous paragraph.

"and the way Freya Waverunner looked at me, the way she and President Karacason kept looking at me when they first brought me here" What about how they looked like her? This sentence was a little confusing

"I’m not going to say no to him, I can’t." This should be two sentences, the first ending before 'I can't.'

"I’m not sure what scares me more. Lucian’s warning, or my connection to him." Use a colon after 'scares me more.'

"soon I’m getting those grades in all my classes. I mention it to Lucian as ajoke," you accidentally make 'a joke' one word

"I’ve gone from extraordinary, to ordinary" there's no need for a comma after extraordinary.

"There are no half-whispered jabs of freak and misfit following me." Freak and Misfit should have apostrophe around them.

“They make sorcerers teach it because they want to remind everyone they only unethical use of magic is sorcery.” 'They' should be 'the'

"Ihadn’t spoken to any of them since the final" I hadn't needs to be two words.

"when I’d learned about Laurel’s mother" It's fine the way it is, but if you want, you can change I'd to I

"Every time I try to catch her eyes she looks away, I manage to grab her arm before she leaves though." make this two sentences, ending the first at 'looks away'

She sighs, then bursts out. “I never told you I was sorry.” You need a comma after 'bursts out' because she's going to talk.

I apologize for the length, but it's all short simple things. This is such a good piece of writing. It's so fantastic. You can expect me to read more XD I'm really excited to read past chapters to get caught up to speed on Billie's life Awesome chapter! Keep writing!

Hey, Artemis! Wolf here to review. It appears I've made it to the green room! Score for me?

I swear, you and Noelle have a knack for cliff hangers and attention grabbers right in the end. It's beautiful, but it's just... Wow. Of course Laurel had to say the one phrase which isn't true. But it also makes me wonder, why? I know this has been mentioned before, but it's never been explained why the Few and Sorcerers can't mix. We can only wonder.

Really, you've got the basics down. The balancing between dialogue and narration is very well done, and it's just getting better, but I want to challenge you. I know you've finished this draft already and you're probably halfway done with book two, but I want to try and challenge you to try and add more imagery into. Create the scenes with the four other senses other than sight. What do they smell? Taste? Hear?

You dialogue especially has gotten better, and that's just a thing with practice. There are less and less times I pause to think about stuff, and I've stopped 'taking notes' while reading. It's fantastic! I'm becoming more and more engrossed on your world and I can't get enough of it.

The characters especially are magnificent. Each one is slowly popping to life as we start getting another angle and another angle and another to look at them, see what they are like. So, we've seen desperate Billie, nice Billie, sympathetic Billie, nervous Billie, etc. You've created her so she's like a real person, and I really love that. Keep up the great work (and maybe I'll have some real critique next time.) Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

Hallo, love! Aurora here with a beautiful Review Day review for you. I think I've read a couple chapters in the past, so if I critique anything you already addressed, apologies.

Off to nitpicks we go.

The Union provides hovercrafts to ferry vacationing students back to Alexandria at the end of the break, but since both Selene and Lucian hate to wait, we get there super early, when they’re are very few students.
Wrong 'they're', at the very end of the sentence. It should be 'there'.

They immediately wave when they see Lucian, freeze when they catch sight of me, and begin to whisper.
Perhaps you should consider situating the 'immediately' after 'wave' and not before? Jus' a suggestion...

I turn away.
Turn away? That's all we get? Was she annoyed? Upset? Embarrassed? Self-conscious? Did she do it quickly? Did she regret letting them get to her? Moral: details, please

She reaches out as if to shake his hand, while his arms raise like he’s going to give her a hug.
Try some parallel structure here: 'he raises his arms'... right now, it sounds as if his arms raise on their own.... creepy.

That paragraph could also use some sentence variation. You have a lot of sentences starting with 'she' and 'I'. Adding more description can help with that .

She clearly cares about him, though she’s always careful to keep herself from being maternal.
Although, not though.

Her eyes crinkle.
Crinkle? Why? She was already smiling... if she's crying/holding back tears/frowning, I can't seem to get that picture in my head. Claaaarity

The other’s thought you might not want to hear about her, but I’ll say this.
Other's should be others. No apostrophe.

Her ice-blue eyes follow me out, looking more like fire.
Instead of stating that her eyes are icy at the beginning o the sentence, try this: Her blue eyes follow me out, looking more like fire that ice.
The rhythm is better- to me, at least.

Jae wordlessly reaches into his bag and hands the book to Lucian, who promptly takes off without some much as a thank you.
So much, not some much.

Though after a week of being here with scarce a glance from Lucian, desperation seems like my only option, so that’s exactly what I do.
Scarcely, not scarce.

This freshmen wizard bumps into a senior warlock, Oceanus, I think his name is. The warlock who’s been seen with Sedna a lot recently. Anyway, the wizard decided to call him a misbreed instead of apologizing, and ending up gasping on the floor with gills in his neck.
Tenses....

You talk, way too much
No comma.

His eyes are on me as he steps forward, he grabs my face and presses me against the wall and kisses me.
Too many conjunctions and a comma splice.

I shudder, and he breaks the kiss. He keeps me pinned against the wall, his hands wrapping around my arms.
Wrapped, not wrapping.

End of nitpicks.

Great chapter . I liked seeing Billie again, even though I missed a lot in between. You have a beautiful style that fits this piece.

I would have liked a bit more description- the the academy change in Billie's eyes? Does it seem more like home now?

But other than that, you have a beautiful chapter. I got what was happening, even though I hadn't read much previous.

Great job, love.

Keep persisting.

Ahh why are you so good?! Not fair. This is getting intense. Can't wait to finish it and start reviewing!!!