Chapter 27: The Capitol

Hello, Artemis! Wolf here for a review.

So, whoever said you should just cut this chapter, I vote against that. If you believe that this should stay because it has important information, keep it. But, I'm sort of iffy about the beginning. What's up with Lucian... Having a pillow fight? Billie, I'm not surprised, but Lucian seems too sophisticated to be involved in such a thing.

Billie's not a fey. She so isn't. It wouldn't make sense. She can't be one... My brain just exploded, figuratively. So, I have to praise you right now. You've done a great job hinting at us, leading us towards this one conclusion. Of course we know Billieis special, but how, we have no idea. None. It turned gold for crying out loud! And before Lucian said the stone didnt dissolve for just anyone. Billie so isn't fey.

Once again, your ending is fantastic. One thing I can't help but notice, some of the last names have two parts to them. Waverunner and Runningdeer. Coincidence? Tiny thing that caught my attention.

I really like Ms. Waverunner. Not for the fact that she's a good person, but because she's a good character. Her dialogue was very realistic, and the effect she has on people excites me. Of course we find out things from her we wouldn't know, like Lucian's parents aren't... The best or even around, but her sweet but bitter words are really interesting. I applaud you for this.

Once again, I don't have any other critique. These are getting better and better and I'm starting to fall into the scene. I'm so enveloped in the action that I don't think about comments or what I'll say or even check home much chapter is left (since I'm on a time constraint ) This is coming along nicely. Can't wait to see the ending! Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

Ok about the chapter cuts, I propose a combination of these two chapters. Yes the story is definitely dragging in these chapters but they're both important. So find a way to cut out the unnecessary parts and combine them. It'll work so much better, believe me!

Unnecessary parts (for this chapter) include::

- Scene one. Completely unnecessary. Ok I know your trying to build the romance with Lucian and all it's just slowing the story down. So take out scene one or shorten it.

Oh yeah and you need a ******************* thingy between that and the next scene.

- The fight with the magi. Again it slows the story down so shorten or cut.

Now, your description of Olympia needs some serious work. I was totally confused and couldn't get a good image in my mind of what it looked like. Black clouds, colored mist, crystals.... It was just so vague. Work on making it clearer. Okay? Okay.

I step in, and the building flashes, but to gold instead of yellow. The entrance guard stares at me with wide eyes, and the people behind me start to whisper.

Do not cut this chapter or the one after this. I think it's perfect, I'm not kidding. I don't see what is so wrong with it that you'd have to do that.


Hi! I'm reviewing since you reviewed my piece. I like how you describe the scenes in this piece without interrupting the flow. Honestly, I could barely find anything wrong with this piece, it was actually very hard; that's usually why people don't review the perfect pieces. It was the perfect length, not too long or short. Usually when it's too long, people loose interest quick because they feel way too lazy about it.

I gasp when the door clicks open and throw a shirt over my head.

I really don't know how to explain why I am fixing this sentence, but here is my example of what I think will improve it:

I gasp when the door clicks open as I throw a shirt over my head.

You could leave it the same way it was before, it's just whatever way you think is best.


I can't find anything else that is wrong in here, but for sure do not cut this and the next chapter out.