Chapter 22 The Allies

Hey, Artemis! Wolf here for another review.

Alright, so smack dab in the middle of this, I see this giant paragraph of dialogue. Like, woah. So, dialogue works just like regular paragraphs. Of course you don't want tons and tons and tons if you can avoid it, but here it makes sense. Just my suggestion is to break it up some. Maybe at the part when he transitions to how she was different defending a witch.

Oh goodness, it all makes so much sense now! I love the part about people being scared of change, because you hear it so much! And that just shows how true it is. Adding that creates a whole new reality to the story, well as real as a fantasy story with magic can get.

That dream... Nice. I can understand what you were trying to do there, making it random and eventful (the blood confused the crap out of me xD), but in that large chunk of paragraph, it gets really, really choppy. There's this, then that and boom, boom, boom. Try adding slightly more traditions between the actions to help smoother out the flow and create an easier read for us. Still, it was fun to read. I personally enjoy prophetic dreams.

THAT ENDING. WHY. (See, I comment as I read.) Alright, now usually I can tolerate cliff hangers, but this one is a little odd. The part I don't like much about it is that it cuts off right in the middle of a sentence. It's a good page turner, but if I were you, I would try to at least finish the sentence. Maybe add a word like, "they found this!" Or "they found something interesting!" Just to finish the sentence but still have that cliff hanger.

Now, I really, really loved the ending. The change of heart in Thea is just the best, and the way you show her actions changing and how Billie doesn't immediately accept it it awesome. I know you wouldn't do this, but I'm glad to see that the characters are slightly more aware and aren't going to start becoming 'a Mary Sue'. Anywho, great chapter, as always, and I continue forth! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

Okay so this is going to be a really short review. (just basic stuff)

First off, good job! Okay, so one of the reason I clicked on this is because I saw my name in the summary and I thought, "oh hey cool, I'm famous" (which I know it's not about me and whatever but I can dream ok...hehehehe) All joking aside, let's get this review started!!!

So I think your structure is really good as well as the content. You have good fluency and transition between the dialogue and the imagery/description. I didn't catch any grammar or punctuation errors so I think you good in that area. Overall I really like the story and think you did a great job on it.

So, goodbye!! Keep up the good work as well.

Here again on this marvelous review day!! Go team green!!!

Omw. Can I just say.. Wow. Ok ok. This is the chapter I've been waiting for!! Questions answered, arguments resolved! Omw I'm obsessed with this chapter.

For a starting nitpick, I think this chapter needs a new name. Meh. It's not a big deal, but The Allies just doesn't seem right with the events here. Not that I have a better name for you but whatever you decide.

Omw. I love Lucian's explanation of people and change. It was just so perfect and spot on. Also I'm glad Billie is aware of the points he mentioned. I think it will help her in the future.

He picks up his pen, drawing something in the corner, some symbol with three connected circles.

“I got bored. Jinxing people wasn’t very fun when no on fought back.”

Thorin laughs and Lucian smirks softly, but it seems disconnected. He catches me staring and looks away.

“Lucian.” I say, “Lucian, come on, we have to go practice magic.” I tug as his hand, and it’s wet and sticky. I glance down at my palm to see it’s smeared with warm blood. Lucian turns to me. His hands are covered in blood and there’s some smeared on his face. He grins, his pale skin emphasizing the hollowness of his cheeks.

And I’m a terrible liar.

“Lucian thinks that because I didn’t grow up in the realm, my magic’s struggling to adjust to the environment.”