Young Writers Society

Shauzer,

Your rhymes are not in-your-face, your flow takes me from the first line to the last, and the voice of it kind of makes me chuckle for its dramatics. I like the technique of echoes, of circling back to the beginning in order to show a change. But I feel like the change we go through in the reading of this is one from "staring" to "standing". I suppose I understand it though, there's a distance in the beginning and it's bridged at the end, it's a standing "together" and the two hearts in hand emphasizes it further to contrast with just the singular heart in the beginning.

Another thing that is repeated is that motif of "comfort", so we have a lot of warm here, and we have a lot of snug and hand-holding and it's fitting for a Valentine's day poem and a poem that moves by bridging the gap into intimacy, so it's well-thought-out in the construction of it.

I get the sense that the intention of the poem is modest, it's entitled as a thought or a reflection, or rather, it's supposed to be all about that moment of intimacy and I do like the simplicity. I think poems can be simple and straight forward, but the ones that really stand out in my head still manage to surprise the reader in a way. Which brings me to the biggest disappointment of the piece: it was very anticlimactic.

It doesn't have to be ambitious or call big fanfare, it doesn't have to be ostentatious, but surprise in a poem should still be as essential as rhyme and beat and rhythm. It can manifest itself not just in plot twists but in the words used, or the images evoked, or the raw emotional power of it.

Craft is something that makes reading clearer - easier. Your craft is great but ultimately craft is only a roadmap. Rhyme, rhythm, repetition and all of these techniques are more tools of craft into building this roadmap, and a neat roadmap is neat! but readers need to feel as though there were a destination in order to feel as though there's been a journey.

I think that by the start of this poem we have already reached a destination, and as readers, we feel cheated by the illusion of a journey that is anti-climatic. If a poem is a crafted piece, a roadmap if you will, then in order to know what is "up" we have to be shown what is "down". From beginning to end, we are shown warm embrace and intimacy and love, but not the significance of it - we're not connected enough to care.

The speaker says more than once "I would have thought one old to love" and when I read that, I thought it meant that the speaker thinks you have to reach many years in order to love someone fully. I think that is an interesting thought, maybe extrapolate more on this. Why does the speaker think that? Maybe show us more of those doubtful moments so by the time we reach moments of fulfillment, we feel it is earned.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you would like to talk it over.

~ as always, Audy

This is Yams here for a review!

I'm going to be honest with you and say this is just like every other love poem and that you've added nothing new to it. Most don't. Using the metaphor of "soul" and "spirit" in the poem. I just feel like there was nothing new to the poem because there isn't much to be added. And it's /hard/ because of that.

Some of the poem was confusing like the end stanza that just felt like it was trying to sound good or dramatic. The poem has no personal input. You could think anyone could have written this and it kind of feels like there's no personal style.

Have a great day!

Hey, TheShauzer~
This is Swordfish here with a review for your love poem! I personally would have guessed that there would be far more love poems on Valentines Day, and this was the only one I saw, which was quite surprising. I'm not big on love poems, so I apologize if this review is not exactly "quality". Also, I am in a big of a hurry, and I must go places soon, so this review will probably be short. My apologies.

to love a love like this.