Triple Haiku - Deception

by TheShauzer

Published October 18, 2014

E - Everyone

In Poetry

1

Darkness approaches.

It comes from all around me,

And it swallows all.


2

The glass is shattered,

The window is now a hole.

All was but a lie.


3

My dear heart is halved,

It cracked right down the middle.

My love has leaked away.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
live1out2loud7
Comment
live1out2loud7 commented Comment · Oct 24, 2014

I really love what you've done here! Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of Haiku's, aside from when I randomly bust them out last second in order to not fail a writing assignment (the glories of super short poems that teachers can't argue with), but I love what you've done by having three. It seems that each of the poems can stand on their own as well as fitting perfectly together in the series. Honestly, can't criticize anything here. Hope to see more poetry from you in the future.
-live

Thanks live :) Yes I'm not really a fan of haikus either, just wrote these three out of boredom, but then I asked my Mam what she thought, and she thought it was all one poem. Turned out to be a pretty good idea!

User avatar
deleted5
Review
deleted5 wrote a review Review · Oct 18, 2014

Hey @TheShauzer! AlexSushiDog here to review your haikus!
I love the whole dark genre so I'm really glad you managed to capture the whole feel of it in an abstract way! You also used the "correct" punctuation for poems. I say that in quotes because having punctuation at the end of every line in poems is pure opinion. (Although it looks nicer in my opinion ;))
Now onto nitpicks!
1)

And it swallows all.

Personally this is my favourite stanza in the whole piece but I think you could make it more personal to the reader and therefore more emotive than replacing "all" with "me".

2)
My love has leaked away.

I think you could use a little bit more exciting language than "leaked" here for the final line. The meaning of the line itself is great and all but leaked feels a bit anti-climatic.

That's all for now! If you want completely ignore my advice: It's your work!
-Sushi

Thanks sushi :) if you like the dark genre you should take at my works quarantined and the dare :) short stories. Thanks for the suggestions, I didn't know people put such thought into haikus :')

User avatar
rainforest
Review
rainforest wrote a review Review · Oct 18, 2014

Hello there, TheShauzer! Unknown391625 here with another review!

Well, this is great!I love poetry, especially haikus! I think there is a good title for this. It's a dark poem, but still great. But one problem. When you started a sentence on the first line, on the next line, you capitalized the first letter. Also, it was a good idea to number them, but not the best idea. But this poem is awesome! I want to see more of your poems or haikus, if you have any. Don't give up and always write, TheShauzer!

-Unknown391625

Thank you! The numbers were to save me from YWS's formatting :)

Oh well sorry. Didn't know that honestly XD



There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker