Her beauty is such a deep divine curse,
across many heavy hearts it trots.
Such wars it has caused, such battles fierce,
in a love-dug grave my tired body rots.
Eyes shimmer blue like a sea so deep,
windows to a soul far sweeter than honey.
Yet it's a trap, a deception, a beautiful lie,
and in heart-felt conquest, the sky forgets sunny.
Constellations are dwarfed by her glistening lips,
silk becomes gravel when her skin is so smooth.
I ache to touch, to love and be loved,
in that aching my beat quickens, and fails to soothe.
So many others should fall the same way,
head over heels onto spikes deathly sharp.
She's a gem that stayed hidden not long enough,
brought abrupt to man's eye by the devil's red harp.
Hand in hand, I walk with my shadow,
for her body's too far for my fingers to reach.
And if they did then God help me, I wouldn't survive,
her presence too strong, my soul it would leech.
If our blood is red then hers is ruby,
If my spirit's strong then hers is unstoppable.
She is perfection at its most perfect state,
but so many pursue, the risk is unfathomable.
Hearts collide, leaving poor brains behind,
and on impact break for sweet love to leak out.
I watch from my grave as my brain shovels dirt,
it glares at my heart, eyes on fire, lips in pout.
Suddenly a hand breaks through to grab mine,
and all fears become real in a terrified host.
My glazed eyes open and are blind to the sight,
my heart-beat stops sudden, am I dead? Almost.
The sky shreds now and rain falls out,
yet on me it thunders solely.
She kisses my lips, and soon it begins,
my blood starts to drain, she steals my heart wholly.
Her beauty is such a deep divine curse,
across my heart it now trots.
Such wars it has caused, such battles fierce,
at her side now, my enslaved body rots.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I like to begin on how well-written this poem is and how you use imagery to describe her everything. I wish I could write a poem like this one in front of my screen, with all the comparing and contrasting through and through. I must say i agree with you on the woman and most (MOST) woman have a nack for taking people's ego and ripping it up in front of them, then waiting to apologize for whatever happened. When they kiss you, its like you are being sucked in by a portal to never-leaving-land and when they are done draining your body they leave you there, on the ground dying.
The imagery in this poem is unbelievable since you can actually see the woman (if you close your eyes). i also like how you use every body part like the brain digging a grave, glaring back at the heart (almost like personification) also how you compare and contrast your power against her power like she is more stronger than you in anything that seems to be in a stronger sense (since most guys are stronger than most girls.)
As to finish this "review", I like to say this is the best poem I have ever read (maybe...) but before I go; keep writing.
CapitalMonday
Thanks a lot %uD83D%uDE0A
Hello, darling! Here to review, of course, so let's get to it.
I'm actually going to go and take this vaguely stanza-by-stanza, because I really need to take this down to its bones in order to look at it properly. However, just looking at the first four lines, I can give you my major problem with this piece: The rhyme. If you're going to have a rhyme, and if you're going to establish a vaguely exact rhyme in the first stanza, you need to be able to stick to it throughout the entire piece without it getting forced, and the first stanza itself does not bode well for this. Looking at "curse/fierce" and "trots/rots", I have a bad feeling that we're going to get deep into Thesaurus Syndrome because of this rhyme.
Another problem I have is actually given by the second stanza: Your meter. I began reading this with a bit of a heartbeat rhythm, more iambic than anything else, and in the second line of the second stanza I'm thrown off because of the last word. "Honey", in your meter, ends up being read with emphasis on the last syllable. This is shown again in the third line of your third stanza, because it's shorter than the rest and requires a pause at the comma that we don't get because there's punctuation basically everywhere in the poem itself.
You throw your syntax into weird curves in order to keep your rhyme and rhythm, which honestly makes little sense to me as you could keep the rhyme and rhythm without the curveballs that bring your diction from sounding modernesque to sounding Shakespearean or, at the worst, like Yoda -- "my soul it would leech" comes to mind. I know it's correct, but it doesn't sound good with the rest of the poem.
Your imagery is all over the place. I know that it's all emphasizing the perfection and the superiority of your subject, but it's really, really not cohesive. You need to find the line you're working with and work with it, instead of putting your readers in a situation where they have to find the line and use it to compare to every other line of the work.
I understand the poem, but I feel like it's not to the level it needs to be at. It's good. Make it better. Keep writing!
It's not an ABAB rhyming scheme, the first doesn't rhyme with the third. Fierce and Curse don't rhyme, I know that; I'm not literately retarded :')
Thanks for taking the time to review!
First of all, I'd like to ask that you please never use the words "retard" or "retarded" when you're speaking to people on this site. It's honestly offensive, and it implies that you would treat autistic people as lesser than you for no reason other than their autism. "Retardation" has been used as an excuse for jailing, hospitalizing, and even killing autistic people or those with other mental illnesses or learning disabilities.
Secondly, I never said it was an ABAB scheme. I said that fierce and curse rhyme -- and in this case, they have similar vowel sounds and an identical ending consonant sound, which means they rhyme.
Thirdly, thanks for implying that I'm below you. I really appreciate that. Also, it's "literally", not "literately".
How did I imply that? Retarded is an actual term, you're thinking about it in the derivitive sense, I wasn't. And literately is to do with literature, different word to literally. Please don't jump at the opportunity to condescend without thinking first.
Here's the thing: "retarded" is a slur regardless of where you use it or the context. There is no "derivative sense". There is only one way to use it, as a word describing lowered intelligence, and it is a slur.
Yes, the word was a legitimate medical definition used in psychiatry. However, that does not mean it was ever a nice word to use. The word "retarded" has a very long history of being used as an excuse to institutionalize, dehumanize, abuse, and even murder intellectually disabled individuals. This treatment continues to the present day.
Just like the n-word was used to harm black individuals and is a slur against them, "retarded" holds the same weight for intellectually disabled individuals. It implies they are lesser, child-like, and the thought process behind using "retarded" as a descriptive term to imply lower intelligence continues permeating every aspect of our culture and leads to many, many, many intellectually disabled individuals being abused or killed.
Please understand that words have weight, and some words have a history of harm. Retarded is a word that was invented as justification to hurt intellectually disabled individuals, and it cannot be used without invoking that history.
Jesus Christ. I hate to say but just because this is the young WRITERS society it doesn't mean you have to write an essay on every little thing. I used a word, I clearly didn't mean offense, especially since I didn't even call anyone that word. Please, keep your history lessons to a classroom because I don't want to hear them every time I use a word that has 'weight'.
I don't know what just happened, I typed an apology but it wouldn't go through. I read through the comments and I am genuinely sorry. Where I live it's a word we use among friends in an almost joking manner, as I did above. I didn't expect the response and was stupid to try to defend the use of the word, but I still don't think words should be forbidden for their history. I'm sorry for the offense, I'm not very fond of casual use of that word myself; it's just used so much here I don't think about it that much. I understand how much offense it could have and I am sincerely sorry.
Honestly, it's fine -- I understand your qualms about the word being banned because of its history, but at the same time, I ask that you understand my issue with people being discriminated against or killed because of that word. It's like how you wouldn't say the N-word, whether you're around a black person or not, because it's got a long history and it's defined as offensive, right?
I'd like to thank you a lot for your apology. I know that it takes a lot to look back and think "why did I do that?", and I also know that this whole thing probably could have escalated or dropped off on a sour note -- and I am personally sorry that it grew to this level in the first place, because I did respond rather dryly.
Thanks ancient.
Well, well...I love the energy and emotion you put into this poem. I could almost feel your youthful blood boiling as I read this.
However, once again, your usage of "when" is wrong. Try rephrasing this.
"Her beauty is such a deep divine curse,"
> Love the first line. Captivating enough for me to go on reading
"Hearts collide, leaving poor brains behind,"
"I watch from my grave as my brain shovels dirt,"
>HAHA nice one
"The sky shreds now and rain falls out,
yet on me it thunders solely.
She kisses my lips, and soon it begins,
my blood starts to drain, she steals my heart wholly."
>Slamdunk! Love this <3
She sounds like one heck of a goddess. Entrancing but lethal, emotionally.
Anyways, there are a few technical aspects I'd like to point out.
1. "such battles fierce"
> I understand that was meant as a description, but it's grammatically incorrect to place an adjective right after a noun. Same way that "such flowers beautiful" is wrong. Perhaps you were trying to make 'curse' and 'fierce' rhyme in an ABAB pattern, but they don't.
2. "and it heart-felt conquest, the sky forgets sunny."
> I have no idea what this line means. Also, shouldn't it be "it's" with the possessive marker, or have I read this wrongly? Also, "the sky forgets sunny" is rather weak. Wrong usage of the adjective 'sunny' as it's placed as a noun in this line.
3. "silk becomes gravel when her skin is so smooth."
> I believe the connector "when" in this context serves as a mode of comparison, meaning that silk is likened to gravel when compared to her skin. Haha I won't comment on your use of exaggeration here because it effectively displays the intended level of infatuation
4. "in that aching my beat quickens, and fails to soothe."
>Your beat, or your HEART beat? Also, shouldn't it be "fails to be soothed"?
5. "for her body's too far for my fingers to reach."
>This took a rather sensual detour :/
6. "If my spirit's strong then hers is unstoppable."
> "unstoppable" doesn't sound like the higher degree of "strong". Just a suggestion to replace it with another word. Otherwise this line is perfectly fine.
7. "She is perfection at it's most perfect state,"
> its, without the possessive marker.
8. "lips in pout"
> Wrong usage of the preposition 'in'. Also, why the pouty lips? It doesn't seem to click with the depths of your despair.
9. "my heart-beat stops sudden"
> It should be the adverb, "suddenly". I gotta tell ya, inverting sentences without breaking the SVO agreement and experimenting with active and passive voices are permitted in poetry writing; but leaving choppy, semi-grammatically correct sentences is neither poetic nor artistic.
10. "The sky shreds now and rain falls out,"
> 'shred' is a verb, I believe that the sky is being shredded as oppose to doing any shredding.
Lastly, do take note of the rhythmic pattern in this poem. The patterns may be successfully ABAB or ABBB in format (judging from the end words of each line), however when being read, the periodicity of SOME of the phrases fail to flow in a rhymed arrangement.
Overall, a descent poem. I look forward to your progress with this entrancing goddess in the form of a poetic update.
Thanks HH, a lot of helpful critique in there, it's meant to be 'in' heart-felt conquest, sorry! And I guess the rest just went better with the flow
I tried not to stray too far from the basic rules of grammar :')
You missed a couple comma's where I would have put them. But other than that this was absolute perfection! You have so much talent, I look forward to reading your other pieces!
Thanks Bliese!