The roses bloom in abundance,
Like ranks of soldiers atop high mountain ledges.
Their weapon: seduction,
As they man the thick green hedges.
Little girls, men, old women and teens.
All of these look upon them and smile,
For roses appeal to all manner of beings,
Sitting idle, unmoving, all the while.
Bursting colours, the essence of beauty,
The illusion - it brings the fans in flood.
So ignorant are they to anything else,
They fail to notice the thorns that draw blood.
Piercing soft skin, the daggers of nature;
They find homes in the flesh of their many victims.
For thorns are the shadow to the roses' light,
And that is one of life's greatest dictums.
The roses bloom in abundance,
Beautiful traps atop high mountain ledges,
Their seduction - a killer,
As they man the thick green hedges.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,038 Literary Works • 672,925 Reviews
Greetings The Shauzer! The Wandering Wizard here for a Review Day Review!
Like they say in the Sound of Music, "let's start at the very beginning...". In this case the beginning is the title. It caught my eye immediately, and after I saw it, I just had to read this poem! That is the first thing I like about this poem, but definitely not the last.
Okay, grammar and vocabulary. I can deduce from this piece that you have an extraordinary vocabulary, and I applaud you on that.
I also enjoyed your rhyme scheme. It made the piece just THAT much better.
I can't really comment on your grammar, because I'm not an expert on poetical grammar. But I can say that I like the movement of the piece created by the punctuation marks and the enjambments after many of the lines.
I have to ask if you had this piece in stanzas before you published it, because it lacks that form that I seek from a poem. (I do not blame you if you did though, because YWS has destroyed my structure more than once before as well)
An very enjoyable piece which I am going to rate 7.5 out of ten.Continue writing, my friend.
Sincerely,
The Wandering Wizard
Yes I had it in 4 four-line stanzas :') thanks for noticing! Thanks for the review!
Hi ho!
There was something essentially charming about this poem. I think it may have been the simplicity, but maybe it was your rhyme scheme.
This, I think, was where I first realised I liked your poem.
NOW.
Let me apply to both of those in my criticism XD
I felt that you mixed too many superfluous words with a quite simple style of writing.
This, I feel, is exemplified here. For one, I'm not quite sure what it that you are saying. Roses are beautiful, yet their beauty is an illusion?
I think you could greatly benefit from reducing the number of words you use, saying everything you say at most once, and simplifying the ones that you do use.
As regards the rhyme scheme, I only became aware of it at the point quoted at the top. Of course, this is not the first instance of ABCB, I just missed it - here:
However, as it apparently did recede into the background so, how about you regroup your lines into stanzas of four lines? In this way, structure can convey the rhythm of what you say better than it does at this moment.
Anyway, great poem and make more!
Thanks a lot baesch, it's an illusion because the beauty is just a trap so the thorns can get you
the illusion is that the beauty is for your benefit, when actually its the opposite. I had it in four line stanzas but the stupid YWS formatting wouldn't let me keep it :'( thanks for the review!!!
There are so many things that come to mind when I read this, I really don't know where to begin.
This is a really great poem. I really do picture a rose garden overlooking a mountain pass, or a hillside. Like I said, I feel that there are a lot of things here. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, of course, as the picture you paint is definitely a clear one: roses. You know from start to finish what message you're trying to get across to your readers and remain consistent.
I truly enjoyed this.
Keep writing. I'll definitely keep an eye out for any more of your works.