1.
A portal to a better place,
is her warm and welcoming face.
Constellations rest upon her glistening lips,
roses bloom deep inside her cheeks.
I could stand forever, my hands on her hips,
upon parting collapse, while my broken heart leaks.
2.
Her eyes were made like intricate traps,
Or puzzles of a kind, hard-to-read maps.
For they were made to get lost in,
a long winding maze.
They meet mine with such passion
that i swoon in a haze.
3.
A voice like sweet honey pours from her mouth,
and to take it all in I must push some things out.
Not that I mind, for her words are medicine,
a fix to the sadness that shrouds me in shadow.
It sticks to my soul and brings darkness within,
yet her light fills these places I once thought so hollow.
4.
If love is the game then she is my captain,
when warm hand meets cold, my heart tends to fatten.
I hope that her soul is mated to mine,
for if not then I don't know if true love exists.
My heart puts its feet in a very straight line,
and with her kind touch its rhythm persists.
5.
Love is divine, an undeniable force,
a bright ray of light on unstoppable course.
I split mine with her and she took it with glee;
She ripped it, excited, from such tender arms.
I know there's not much in the shell that it is me,
But my heart is now hers, to hold or to harm.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hey retro here to do a little review.
First im going to do a little bit of nitpicks if you will, then talk about what I like. Okay?
Well I say nitpick, confusion might be a better word. I think each stanza was excellently written and you've got some excellent imagery. But I felt as though I was reading five different poems. I sort of had a semi build up but no climax because you didn't built it up further, do you see what I mean? Take your third stanza, the idea of honey and the stickiness which you carry throughout is sublime. But then it falls flat because you don't do anything with it. I guess Ithink it would perhaps work better if you took one of your stanzas and developed that into one impressive poem. But that might just be my opinion, it's just there's no real hook at the minute.
That being said, I've think some of your description is perfect. Again I'll say you're third stanza because I feel as though it was absolutely breathtaking and I would love to read more things like that. Because I think you hit the idea of love, and it's difficulties bang on the heAd. So a real well done.
Keep up the good work,
Here if you need me!
~retro
Hey retro, thanks for the review! I was trying to display a different one of her qualities in each stanza
Thanks again!
Hello, Littlefox here to review your poem!
First of all, I wish I could write poetry like this lol. I think this is a really wonderful poem! You use very beautiful metaphors and imagery that makes me want to read it over and over. Each sentence flows withe the fluidity that all great poems should have. I was going to try and say which section is my favorite, but I can't, the whole thing is great.
As far as criticism goes, I don't have any. I think this is great the way it is. All I have is praise so keep up the great writing!
Au revoir,
-LittleFox
Thanks a lot LittleFox, I appreciate the review
You are very welcome