Sometimes
poetry must yield,
fall to its knees at beauty's feet
and simply let
it be felt.
Some things words cannot express.
One
moment touching the divines,
when we succumb to our hearts.
A
second of raw emotion,
and our souls simply unravel.
The
love in a flashing glance,
eaten up by your trapped eyes.
The
sun breaking through the clouds,
to light upon our broken spirits.
And
words yield to the force
of a heart split down the middle,
of
true love’s tingle upon your skin,
of a heaven realised, all
in an instant.
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this is a good poem and ties love with the art of poetry as well as with the human soul. i lke the way you you described the love glance as rays of sun breaking through the clouds and lighting up the broken spirit is remarkable . i like this similie.then the last paragraph is awesome. the words actually comer out beautifully or poetically from a broken down heart. then the two lines that atleast for an instance the tingle of true love on the skin gives a heavenly bliss to b cherished forever.
Hello, TheShauzer!
While I appreciate some of your imagery, I feel like there are a few things in this poem that could be better executed.
First of all, you didn't hook me right at the beginning. It started off dry and philosophical, like bread without butter. You've got to give us some butter, some hint of setting or character, or even that pursuit of beauty that you mention but don't touch until later in the poem.
Though you use lots of adjectives, only the last two stanzas have real imagery in them. The first two are simply introduction. The problem is-- your phrases in the first two stanzas have nothing concrete in them. I want to go on a flight with you, to see what you see, to yield my analysis and let it be felt. But I can't because the execution is wordy and abstract. What are "the divines"? Obviously I know, but what does it feel like to touch them? As the poet, you have a duty to guide us in the world you've created, and you leave us to wander a bit too much.
One thing that might solve the dryness is to edit the wordiness out of it. You use a lot of words and it just stagnates pretentiously. Take out all the words that aren't needed. For the first stanza, it would look like this:
This makes the statement much clearer and much more direct. While it still doesn't have imagery, and is still philosophical, I think this would work much better to help readers get into your poem. Try this for the rest of your poem, as well.
I'm not sure what trapped eyes are. Perhaps find a different way to say what you are trying to convey.
I suggest taking "and" off of the first line of the last stanza. It's unneeded and makes it sound clunky.
Your last line is your best line. I finally get to the point that your poem is trying to achieve. Keep working on your imagery and your ability to make readers feel emotion. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
It was actually really useful, thank you! I'll have a look back over and edit out some dryness, I knew there was something missing! Oh, trapped eyes was referring to when you get lost in someone's eyes.
in that case, I would phrase it as "trapping" eyes because if the eyes are trapped, that means that they're in jail. Or set with a trap. But it would be clearer the other way.
Nope, I can't do it. It hurt me to change one line in the first stanza, this way just works nicer for me :')
lol i guess that i just won't give you any more help then.
Nah I appreciated the help and agreed with a lot but for the most part I prefer my way
Hey
"One moment touching the divines,
when we succumb to our hearts.
A second of raw emotion,
and our souls simply unravel."
Where do you get such lyricism? This stanza is so beautiful and true.
Beautiful poem and the message is a relief. Your poem has reminded the reader that sometimes, words are not enough to express certain emotions, which we generally try to do all the time (or maybe it's just me).
"The love in a flashing glance,
eaten up by your trapped eyes."
Lovely and marvelous. I was literally struck by these two lines. LITERALLY. Too beautiful and lyrical. Very well-written and I'm planning to stalk your works.
Woohoo! I love stalkers, thanks shaon!
This is truly amazing. I am very moved by your choices of descriptive word choice in this poem. I loved the way you described the passion and love of one another. I will be keeping my eye for more for your work. Keep up the good work, great job for now.
Thanks my lady
*bows graciously*