Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
SUBURBIA
He strolls down the road every day,
His feet following the routine they know so well.
He avoids the flowers for his fever of hay,
And sticks to the path in the month of May.
He waves to the kids
And they wave back, smiling.
The sun feeds the orchids
Where the bees are compiling.
The neighbours are laughing,
Their faces wrinkled in the summer heat.
He nods to them, politely,
Returns his gaze to his feet.
Home looks the same as everyone else’s
With its red door and its rounded off windows.
The man doesn’t care, he does not become restless.
For inside is his wife. Oh wait, he's a widow.
Inside in the basement he takes off his shirt,
Stands up on the chair with that smile on his face.
He knows what comes next will not hurt,
He’ll take his time, go at his own pace.
Now he loosens the noose,
Loops it round his neck.
He thinks of happier times when he’d everything to lose.
He begs his dear God to keep his soul in check.
In his mind he is flying,
Flying far away from here.
And in reality, he is dying.
And he knows that no-one will shed a tear.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,597 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hey bro, Evzzer reviewing!!
Wow i feel quite sad after reading that. Really good man. I get different feelings from this, its almost as if you're telling us how a person can seem completely normal, and go about their usual routine, but inside they are suicidal...although we do not know this. I love this as it is a social commentary of how people may not know what is racing through anothers head. The kids wave back to this seemingly happy guy, not knowing it will be their last time doing so.
Very deep man, impressive!! Well done.
Exactly my intention! That's an old one, you stalker you
thank you <3
Hello, rhia here to review this.
Alright, I'm going to go with my dislikes first, which was mostly one big thing. You obviously put in the effort to rhyme, but there is no actual consistent rhyme scheme, and that's messing me up. I'm not big on rhyming in the first place, I think it often gives a too fakey, sing-songy feel as the writer focuses more on keeping the rhyme going than actually writing. It isn't that bad here, I liked how you tried to be creative in the beginning, and you had a nice A B A A going, but then it sorta crumbled and became a mess around the middle, then went to your normal A B A B scheme which is kind of boring. Rhyming is really hard, so I'm not trying to pick on you. I just recommend either working on it until you get it consistent, drop the rhyme and make it free verse, or maybe separate into stanzas with their own respective rhyme schemes.
You also start a lot of lines/sentences with and which is something to be avoided.
Otherwise, this is good. It's dark and sad, it reminds you a lot of how much the seemingly ordinary people could be losing it under their happy front. Suburbia is the perfect title, cause you just think of everything in it's fake plastic perfection, when in reality it's hell to some people. Keep it up.
Thanks rhiasofia
I had it in stanzs but YWS's dumbass formatting changed it 
Ah, well perhaps I can help you fix that. To start a new line within a stanza, use shift enter, it'll get rid of that double space. Then, just use regular enter key for a new stanza and the double space will separate them
someone had to tell me too, so I now pass along the knowledge.
Thank you!!!
Hey, tonytwo here to review your work. First off i would like to say that i absolutely LOVED the beginning areas of it, and that i really did not expect it to take such a dramatic twist at the end.
If i would have known that guy in real life would i have ever guessed that he is depressed and about to throw it to the wind. Your wording was great and your lines where well written.
The poem (For obvious reasons) should definitely be defined as 16+, i don't think someone like my 9 year old sister needs to be reading something like this.
Well, I see how this is rated 16+ xD. That escalated quickly...anyways...onwards.
I love how uniformed you are throughout the poem. Your poem is well-developed and you never strayed from your tone.
I don't see the connection between this and the line above. Maybe try taking out the word "what" from there?
The beginning of the line is fine, my only problem encompasses the next part. "Oh wait, he's a widow" briefly puts the poem's tone off track. You can word is differently.
Okay, well thanks for the feedback
I'll look back over it.