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by TheShauzer

You never grew up,
did you?
You’re still just a boy,
sucking on Mommy’s
and calling it a day.

It’s cold outside,
so you’re staying in
It will be cold tomorrow, too,
but I don’t have the heart
to tell you.

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Points: 205
Reviews: 14

Thu Nov 21, 2019 10:25 am
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Hereticteen wrote a review...

This poem is very interesting. There is a surprising amount of power in just 12 lines. I don't understand all of it, but part of me thinks that it's purpose is not to be understood. I guess if I had to translate the poem I would describe it as a story about someone who takes advantage of their mother, and their mother doesn't have the heart to tell them off, but at the same time they are sort of disappointed.

TheShauzer says...

That was a cool take on it, thank you.

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134 Reviews

Points: 474
Reviews: 134

Wed Nov 20, 2019 2:22 am
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DrFeelGood says...

This was really good for a short poem. The last line was particularly touching. Great job!

TheShauzer says...

Thanks Doc.

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26 Reviews

Points: 136
Reviews: 26

Tue Nov 19, 2019 5:43 am
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Nymeria wrote a review...

Short and sweet-- I like it. There's a weird feeling here, of growing up.

I'm not sure who the narrator is supposed to be. Maybe it doesn't even matter.

Between the first and second sentence of the second stanza, it kind of seems like something's missing. It leaves me wondering why the narrator goes from condescending to not "having the heart" to disappoint this other character. I do like the metaphor of it being cold outside.

From this poem, my brain paints a vivid picture of a 30 year old dude that still lives in his mom's basement and she doesn't like it but she also can't bring himself to kick him out. Is that what you were going for?

Have a lovely day :)


TheShauzer says...

I wasn't going to say because I didn't actually think the question of who the narrator was would come up at all, but it's me talking to myself. Not specifically myself, I suppose, but an exaggerated version of my worse qualities for the sake of the poem.

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Mon Nov 18, 2019 3:28 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi TheShauzer! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, this is a short piece, but it has an interesting transition of emotions. In the first stanza, the speaker shows contempt for the subject, painting a picture of someone who is immature, lazy, and prone to vices. The use of "Mommy" (as opposed to "your Mommy's) makes me wonder if the speaker's referring to a sibling. Perhaps there could be a little more showing the relationship between the two people.

In the second stanza, we move to a more sympathetic portrayal. "It's cold outside" seems metaphorical, like how the world feels cold and cruel as we get older. The narrator seems aware of this, but in the end seems like they want to protect the speaker by not telling them it will continue to be cold. If they still had the contempt of the first stanza, I'd expect something along the lines of "Okay, but it'll be cold tomorrow, and every day after that, good luck bozo". It might be interesting to expand on this, having more transition between contempt and pity.

Some nitpicks:

It’s cold outside,
and you’re staying in

I'd change "and" to "so". Minor change but it feels stronger to me. Also, I'm not sure the line break before "tonight" makes sense. I like it in the previous stanza, but I think that's because "Mommy's" and "cigarettes" are both strong words to end a line on, while "in" really isn't.

It will be cold tomorrow, too,

You don't need the comma after "tomorrow".

Overall, I like the emotions of this, but there's some minor tweaks I'd make and possible room for expansion. Keep writing! :D

TheShauzer says...

Interesting critique, thank you. Works better with 'so' :)

If you have to ask, "Is this cliche?", it probably is.
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