I am a tree with a hollow core,
my bark is thin, and my twigs have snapped.
My leaves grace my branches with their presence no more,
they rest with my soul, somewhere else, trapped.
I am a bicycle without any wheels;
my seat is missing to reveal a rusty pipe.
I sit in the shed beside a box of fruit peels,
companions in decay, my tears they wipe.
I am a friend, just without one of my own,
I have a heart but it is never shared.
My love is special yet it is not shown;
it stayed mine too long, and with doom its now paired.
I am the light at the end of my tunnel,
through which I will walk with a heavy heart.
My life was lived through a poison-caked funnel,
loneliness? I have mastered the art.
I am the toy someone never retrieved,
the one left behind, the voice without sound.
I am lost, asking for directions never received,
someone please pick me up, I beg to be found.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hello TheShauzer!
As I read stanza one, I feel like you should have added a dash between "soul" and "somewhere".
After moving on to stanza four, I got confused by "I am the light". What does that mean? Also, " a poison -caked funnel" seems like a confusing metaphor. I'm not exactly sure what you meant by that.
In the last stanza, you repeated "never retrieved" twice. I would suggest that you find another word that fits better. You never want to rhyme using the same word twice.
Anyways, the other two stanzas were fine and I liked your message that you were trying to send. Keep writing!
Last retrieved should received, thank you!!
Hello, darling!
A run-on sentence. You should probably have a semicolon or a period after "no more", because you have two independent clauses here with no conjunction. Actually, you do this in all of these places, too, and it's nearly distracting because the rest of your poem is properly punctuated:First off, I'd like to note that you describe this poem as "well-flowing". While I can kind of see where you're coming from, as I read it, this flow is getting stranger and more disjointed. You honestly break it in the very first stanza because, in order to keep to what flow you began with, I would have to read the third line at the speed the Flash runs.
You also use a lot of metaphors here, and it gets really, really repetitive. While that can be a good thing, I'd encourage you to take one or two of these metaphors and expand so that they carry the poem, and it's not reliant on the pure repetition of your syntax throughout five completely different, almost completely unrelated topics. The only thing holding your poem together is the whole "loneliness" thing, and it's not going to do you any favors, because it's melodramatic and overdone. If you want to make a statement on loneliness, you really need to be able to use your words and make a Statement.
Another technique you might want to shed is your forced rhyme. It's containing your images in this little box of ABAB rhyme, and while I'm not anti-rhyme, this honestly sounds like you only chose the words because they sounded similar. Let's get real, "poison-caked funnel"? I'm going to encourage you to expand your scope and use the words because they would be most effective, not because they fit into some arbitrary rhyme scheme.
A few nitpicks:
(after "decay")
(after "own")
(after "funnel", you really should use some kind of different punctuation if you want to catch the reader's attention)
(you can basically decide where to put it in this one)
Wow, I think I just quoted half the poem. Like I said, that's mainly super-distracting because the rest of your poem is well-punctuated. Another minor thing -- in stanza three, line four, it should be "with doom it's now paired".
Keep writing!
Thanks Arkhaion, some interesting points, I'll take a look!
great piece