Young Writers Society

I'mma going to do a review, go blue! XD

Hey, I thought this was really unique! I do have some advice though.

First off I liked the way you did this, it's great to try to decipher writing and make it visual, in a simple way and you did that here. I liked the start but I do feel like it's a little too short. Is that crazy for me to say? Well, considering the second stanza is a bit longer I just thought. But you don't have to take my advice, but just for the sake of flow it would have been nice if you could have gone more into detail on that one. Some examples would be:

A headlight blasting through a window,
A beam,
glowing like the sun,
beaming,
shinning in my eyes.

Not exactly like that but something like that I felt would work as well, and maybe even add something to the poem. I usually like really short works and such because I feel there is weight on each word, but for this one I feel like you have more flexibility with it and that it would still work if you lengthened the first paragraph a bit. It's up to you though, but I just wouldn't quite understand the pattern without it.

That said though I absolutely loved your second stanza! I thought that it was very beautiful and worked really well. I liked the lines and that's why I felt it strange that the first stanza was kind of short and then the second one was long and more descriptive, especially since I don't think your topic is the difference or the fight between darkness and light. I am not really sure what your topic is. But then, I still loved and it and find it absolutely beautiful.

The last thing that I could give advice/analysis on would be the title. I think that the title is nice, but I am not exactly sure what exactly it has to do with the poem. I am guessing that it has something to do with the character being enveloped in darkness? I am not sure, so I would suggest possibly tweaking the title a bit? It's really up to you and these are all suggestions. I really loved the poem though and you wrote it fabulously, sometimes I just need someone to explain poetry to me if it's more on the abstract side, so feel free to do so. XP

Great job! Loved it!

--Dream on and on and on.

Hello! Sarah here for a quick review!

There are already 2 extensive reviews here, so I hope none of what I say is a repeat. :S Overall, this piece says so much with so little words. I can picture it already in my mind, but I feel my senses would be heightened if you used extensive descriptions. This doesn't necessarily mean it has to be longer. If you sharpen your choice of words for example, this poem will have a lot more impact.

For example:

"One shot of brilliance:
A headlight,
A beam-
Glowing,
Beaming,
Shining in my eyes."

You repeat beam twice, and use expected words like "shining" and "glowing" to describe the lights. They also all mean basically the same thing. Surprise the reader and use an unexpected word, for example "compelling", or another word to personify the light. Make it something alive, instead of something cliche.

"A second later the light is gone.
Darkness-
smooth and dark as melted chocolate-
envelops me.
Warm as a forbidden embrace,
Sweet as a haunting song,
Terrifying as the rough whispers of
death."

Also, you used "darkness" and "dark" right after the other. Maybe a different word to avoid repetition?

At the end of the day, these are just my suggestions. I applaud you for packing such a punch with a such a short piece (I like the title too, by the way)

Good luck!

Sarah

Hi Cailey. Here are some of my thoughts on your poem:

One shot of brilliance:
A headlight,
A beam-
Glowing,
Beaming,
Shining in my eyes.

A second later the light is gone.
Darkness-
smooth and dark as melted chocolate-
envelops me.

Warm as a forbidden embrace,
Sweet as a haunting song,
Terrifying as the rough whispers of
death.

Hello there Cailey! Dogs here with your review today! Okey dokey, love the flow of this poem, great topic to write about. Your description of death in your second stanza is pretty darn great. Really loved that part, certainly my favorite out of your entire poem. Do note that all my comments are nit picks because this is a pretty spot on poem. Let's dive in now shall we?

"A beam... beaming"

So you use "beam" and "beaming" only one line apart from each other. they're too similar and too close in proximity to one another. If you want to keep a rhyme with "beam" than you can change the second word to "gleaming." Whatever works.

"Shining in my eyes"

I think this is an opportunity to use a stronger and more descriptive word other than "shining." If you're having trouble trying to find a good word, try looking it up in a thesaurus, it'll help .

"a second later the light is gone"

I think you could maybe incorporate "vanished" into this line instead of "light is gone."

I simply adore the rest of this stanza, you have some excellent imagery and writing here. Loved everything about those last lines. All around great writing in that regard. Excellent poem and I really enjoyed reading it. With some polishing this piece will be on the road to perfection, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh