Stanza 1
The garden was alive.
Its plants did grow and its flowers, they thrived.
Overhanging trees cast long, proud shadows.
Fruits were in abundance, fresh and multi-coloured.
This was a beautiful place, unique, exquisite.
Not a creature stirred, but it was full of life.
Stanza 2
Suddenly something new appeared,
Four long limbs and a grin, ear to ear.
At first the garden welcomed it,
Giving its fruits and all its beauty.
For it was oblivious to the facts,
This thing was its doom.
Stanza 3
With each giant step it takes
The plants go frail, they weaken.
With each giant step it takes
The trees, they droop and sag,
The life fades from the flowers
And nature realises its mistake.
Stanza 4
When all the fruit has fallen,
When all the plants have died,
When nature's souls has faded,
The man stands tall in pride.
He scans the scene around him,
Relishing in what he's done.
Stanza 5
It is only when the light submits to darkness,
It is only when the air runs out,
Then the man realises his mistake,
and his pride resigns.
Stanza 6
Those four long limbs
Mean nothing now.
The grin, it has faded.
For man and nature go hand in hand,
And as the last leaf falls to the ground,
So does the man, self-suffocated.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
In terms of poetry and abiding to grammatical authority, it is very well written. My first reading revealed no mistakes or notable misconceptions. The conveyed imagery was impressive, but the formulaic progress of it, broken down with the stanzas, was ingenious. All in all, it was an enjoyable piece and I look forward to reading more.
That being said,
In terms of the message and morality of the poem, I have mixed feelings. Don't get me wrong, humanity sucks. We are, collectively and unarguably, a parasite on the planet. Every conscious decision is inherently selfish, we view the environment as being expendable and nearly everything we touch, we kill.
However, as scary as that sounds, we also create no cosmic consequences outside of the Earth. Nothing that we do really matters on a universal level, only on the level that we tell ourselves it does on this little water rock in space. And even if we do destroy the planet, we're only eliminating ourselves. The planet itself will recover, as it has hundreds to thousands of times before. Iceages, floods, earthquakes, skies of fire, primordial soups, asteroids; Earth has already been through. Just like the dinosaurs before us, it's not inane to say that giant spiders may rule the Earth after us. "Now" is completely based on random chance. In conclusion, mankind only excels in hurting itself. We are fleas on the backs of a bigger dog, and are subject to be shaken off at anytime the dog sees fit.
Hope I wasn't too pretentious in my analysis. I'm a man of few passions, but the unimportance of my race is one of them. Again, very impressive work.
Wow, it's very rare I meet someone who thinks like me! I've developed a lot of different opinions since I wrote this and a lot of them sound like thank, so thanks for the review. It was nice
Hello!
So this was really really good for a beginner poet! Like, really good. But I am also a beginner poet and so, I cannot offer very good constructive criticism on this xD but I will try my best!
So I didn't find any grammar mistakes, so that's good. I'm actually really happy that you chose to use punctuation, as it worked beautifully for the poem. It made each line easy to read and it was done correctly so it saved me from getting a worse headache.
The imagery in this was really beautiful. Just the way you described the earth and what it does, and then us evil humans coming along to ruin it. The examples used were great, as they helped me understand the overall message of this poem, and also helped me visualize it. You did an excellent job with weaving words together in a way that made each stanza strong and clear and beautiful.
Overall, this was a really good poem and I liked it very much!
Thank you
woah!! hey Sean.
but overall everything thing else is sad but interesting and long but worth reading , hope you keep adding more work cant wait to read more of your work. Seriously man keep writing
just dropped by to read your work , and I am glad I did, I love reading your work you are so descriptive down too every little point.my favorite part was stanza 5
"It is only when the light submits to darkness,
It is only when the air runs out,
Then the man realises his mistake,
and his pride resigns."
the only mistake I saw was u made 1 spelling mistake and that was with the word realises it should be realizes
-Joshua
Thank you monsieur Joshua
I thought realises can be spelled either way? Thank you for the review.
your welcome monsieur Sean , Cest tres bien!! check out my new poem and see what you think
Will do
Realises is the British-English form of realized. So either form is acceptable, but you should stick with what your nationality is so it feels comfortable for you. But if you don't, them that is alright as well.
Thanks Iggy