Baby I love you, may we stay together.
Our love is true, and will last forever.
This is fate, why we're in love.
But it's slowly coming off, like a glove.
*Starts strumming the same note over and over violently*
You went out last night with that guy named Todd.
You weren't my love, you were just a fraud.
How was Sushi? You enjoy his company?
Only if you know what I see.
You're fake, like most girls.
We're not in your world.
Where you can sink so low.
Guys are gardening tools, but you're just a hoe.
I'm not done, but you wish.
What you did was stinky like a fish.
First, late night calls.
You're in the other room until the moon falls.
"Only if we can be together."
Lies on sale, and you're the seller.
I may suck at lyrics, but I know what's real.
You suck at other stuff, but that isn't the deal.
The deal is, you sunk so low.
I guess your feelings are for show.
I'm almost done, I'm hot as a heater.
One last thing to say, you're a filthy cheater.
*Smashes guitar aggressively and walks out with fist up."
The principle stands up with a confused face. He goes to the microphone and says hesitantly, "That, was the finishing act of this year's Middle School Talent Show."
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Myers is here with a review,
Honestly,i was rapping the lyrics and it was actually very good.Most of rappers satire on some girls and i think that your song would suit it.
" filthy little cheater"
This line was fabulous.You should've writen about her kissing that guy so that it may prove ironic to the readers. The ending was very good.It made a clear picture of everything you wanted to say so that's success for you.Well done
This was adorably funny
I love the images you painted and the silly little rhymes. Especially "What you did was stinky like a fish."
The ending, oh my. Her exit was just FANTASTIC. I can definitely picture that vividly, and it makes this all the more enjoyable. I'd love to see this put into action someday. Like a film, perhaps?
Anyways, this was great. Hope to read more!
-DarkHeart
Hi, GreenTulip here for a review. I am sure that you had something in mind when writing this. It rings with emotion high within it's words. You managed to paint a bright vivid scene into my mind with the words, and the emotions behind them.
Sooo, I traditionally would tell someone that they need to blah, blah, blah, and blah, but here is not the case. I would love to tell you on how somethings may be tweaked to make a better poem. Well I actually can't ifnd anything that would need be fixed, so congrats on that. I usually tell people that they need stanzas. but as this is a song, that doesn't need to apply.
I love the part at the end. I feel as though this poem is to explain a more in depth relationship than a simple middle school level one, though. That is my only concern. Be careful when explaining relationships that you put it with the same age range.