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Geronimo

by Nargles


So if any of you are Doctor Who fans you will probably be aware that Matt Smith is leaving after the Christmas Special, I was and still am pretty upset about this. A friend suggested I write a poem to Smith about his time as 11. Here it is. It's rather silly and could do with a bit more editing but let me know what you think :)


Dear Matt,
You will be missed,
Your bowties and hair and way with funny words.
You were light and funny,
But also dark and scary;
The doctor through and through. 
You taught me that fezzes are cool, bowties too.
You told me that everyone is important and special,
900 years of time and space has proved that.
I learnt from you that it's important to be happy, 
Even if I will be sad later. 
So smile, straighten your bowtie,
Take a bow and be proud. 
Geronimo


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11 Reviews


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Thu Jun 20, 2013 6:17 pm
gothgirl wrote a review...



I can sense that this poem was from the bottom of your heart. I watched Dr Who while Matt was in it, and I have to say your poem captures his personality greatly. One of the best parts of this poem was your contrast between 4 and 5. This is a great device to use. You clearly know Dr Who, and have expressed this with your talent of writing poems. There isn't a lot of timing in this, but I guess that is due because it is more of a letter than a poem. I particularly love your ending, especially about the straightening of the bowtie, as it ends it on a happy note. Again, I love this and I will be reading more of your work later.
Gothgirl




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Sat Jun 08, 2013 3:55 am
Hannah wrote a review...



I think that you could have done more with this as a poem.
Right now it's basically the same letter of gratitude that anybody could write to him. Don't you think all your friends would be like, "Yeah, me, too! Now fezzes and bowties are cool! And I learned that, too!" from watching the television show? You have the power of poetry at your fingertips -- use similes and associative language. Talk about your gratitude from a different angle so we can see something new that no one else could show us.

One thing I like is the internal rhyme in the last line: "Take a bow and be proud". That makes it ring really strong after the rest of the lines, but I am also not sure that a direct address (second person -- "you") is going to hold up the gratitude in the potential second version of this.

Evoke the images that made you shiver or cry and tell me why they made only YOU react, differently from every other person in the fandom. Otherwise this poem is just going to feel like a copy that could have come from anywhere. Give your heart to it.

Lemme know if you have any questions or comments, please.
Good luck!




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Wed Jun 05, 2013 5:44 am
Wariofart wrote a review...



Hey! I don't usually review poetry, but I'll try, since I think your idea is really sweet! Go Matt!

Your idea and message is great. I can tell you really liked the show with all the references, and that you're sad to see Matt leave. I like how you talked about the lessons you learned from the show as well. It shows you really understood Doctor Who beyond the surface level. I'd love to see you expand on your ideas; how did you learn those lessons?

Overall, I think this might work better as an essay, because right now outside of a few lines, this doesn't seem like a poem to me. Now I know poetry can be almost anything, and that this would probably fall under the category of "freestyle", but I still just didn't feel like I was reading a poem. The definition of a poem is "A piece of writing that partakes of the nature of both speech and song, and that is usually rhythmical and metaphorical." You haven't quite gotten there yet in my opinion.

First, the good. I thought the lines
"The doctor through and through.
You taught me that fezzes are cool, bowties too."
were your best. They felt more rhythmical, as when I read the poem allowed it really flowed.
Also,
"You told me that everyone is important and special,
900 years of time and space has proved that."
had a decent flow as well.

However, most other pairs don't have that same level of flow, and feel really choppy. For
example
"I learnt from you that it's important to be happy,
Even if I will be sad later."
The second line felt too short to me, and when I read it out loud, it seemed just like a normal sentence. The choppy feeling of a lot of your lines might have worked if you were going for a more chaotic tone, but since this is a thank you poem, I'm guessing you don't want that. If you want a more smooth or majestic feel, I suggest you either work on a rhyme or rhythm scheme to give the poem a little more structure. Read your poem out loud and see if it flows.

Another option to make this feel less like an essay with random breaks is to add more lyrical language. You're writing a goodbye, almost an ode to Matt; I feel like lyrical language would be a great way to express how you feel more deeply. Lines like
"You were light and funny,
But also dark and scary;"
just feel so straight to the point that they're boring and almost pointless. Try expanding on how he was light, funny, dark, scary, whatever. Give me imagery, or a metaphor, or just something beyond the literal meaning.

In conclusion, I love the idea and message, but right now this feels like an essay and not a poem. For this type of poem you want it to sound beautiful, so try adding either more metaphorical/lyrical language, or a more rhythmic structure. Thanks for sharing!




Nargles says...


Thanks for the review, I get what you mean about the poem. I think I'll work on making it more poetical because I don't like the idea of an essay. Thanks :)



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57 Reviews


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Reviews: 57

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Wed Jun 05, 2013 5:44 am
Wariofart says...



edit: idk why this blank comment appeared. And I don't know how to delete it either! Sorry about that.





“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing