Look at my salted
heart beating the sea to rise,
so I may submerge.
Please touch my seaweed
skin braiding this ocean raw,
so I may float down.
Hear my old, weary
tongue speaking bubbles around,
so I may sleep now.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hi Hibiscus,
I like these Haiku a lot. I think it's really cool how you were able to interconnect them all and allude to so much in such a short amount of space. Again, despite the length, the imagery is beautiful and it really felt like it transported me to the setting.
In the first one, you draw us in very well and keep us hungering for more. However, it feels like the first two lines could use a bit of restructuring. First, why would the narrator want to look at them at a moment like that? Seems to me like they would want to be alone and not bring too much attention to themselves. It also breaks the fourth wall a little since you're eliminating the boundary between reader and character. Also, is 'salted' really the best word you can come up with?
The second one, while still good, is a bit more confusing. I'm not quite sure what you mean by "seaweed skin". I And what is braiding the ocean raw? Her legs? The seaweed? Her legs wrapped in seaweed? I suppose that second line would make more sense once you clarify the first part. Also, what would touch it and make the narrator float down? The fish? Does she expect someone to come in after her? I'm so confused.
The last one was brilliant and gave satisfying closure. Thanks for the read and shoot me a PM if you have any questions/want anything clarified.
-Elinor x
I liked it. I'm not very familiar (I know what they are and all but) with haikus. I think you did good on this, though. I don't think there are many errors. Kudos.
~Laypurple.
Great vocabulary with this!! It's very interesting, and it has a nice flow and rhythm to it. The punctuation rocks! Keep up the good work!