Shock

I wish I could say I liked this poem, but I didn't. There are a couple of reasons.

The first reason is how fragmentary every stanza is. Perhaps it is the punctuation, but that's a rather tenuous reason since each stanza is essentially just a bundle of interesting-seeming words tossed together into borderline meaningful combinations that have no real connections to the next stanza. Not that there was much to connect from/to in the next stanza.

That leads into the next main issue: each of the stanzas really didn't seem to have much of a point to them, even when looking at the poem as a whole. I got the impression that you went too far over the line of condensing, leaving out the trains of thought that lead to the words left behind. The thing is, without enough of the train of thought and associations, your reader can't follow the progression of ideas in your poem, and so while it may look/sound good at first glance, there isn't much meaning to be found aside from what the reader is willing to ascribe at a stretch.

Basically, this poem is in sore need of expansion. Show how one thing leads to another, and give this poem more substance than just a string of juxtaposed words, so loosely tied together in concept that they unravel upon the slightest examination.

Ok, so thanks for putting up your poem
I think it really has potential, I just want to point out a few things.

Some tempestuous lyrics,
like after-rain mud
and melting snow. This verse has some good language, but I don't really understand what you're trying to describe. Also, "like after-rain mud" Why did you put the - there?

This whittled clay
roused into a statue;
an imitation man. This verse also has some nice lnaguage, and it makes more sense to me. I like the way you point out that a statue is just an imiation of a man, and I think it gives this verse some interesting hidden meanings.

A marvelous encounter,
shocked the crafts into
my reckless poem. Are you saying your poem was inspired by an encounter with something or someone?

The shock is in my fingers.
It eats away my artistry...
I wear it like an entity. I really love your language here, if I'm right you're saying something shocked the artistry out of you?


I think you have great vocabulary, but I'm sorry if I was wrong with the meanings in your poem. I think you should try to put a bit more detail into it, to make it easier to understand.
I really liked it though short and sweet