Rambling fan
with tan
and yellow stains,
drop on by
when you come my way.
Play with my hair
like you adore me.
I am in
the window sill.
One root on the
ground
and the other
high above.
Mess with my skin
like you know me.
Mid-afternoon
with fire
and citrus skies,
build me up
when I take the dive.
Laugh with my laugh
like you love me.
I am in
the window sill.
One root on the
ground
and the other
high above.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,863 Literary Works • 672,935 Reviews
You were reaching for nice imagery, but didn't quite get there.
I feel like the pattern you attempted took a lot away from the value of the poem, because I found myself looking ahead after the "do this like you this" to the third time (laugh) and skipping the stanzas between. The repetition of the stanza of the roots is especially weak at the end, because if we've already read through it and found nothing in it, we're going to skip it, and then we have no ending to linger on.
The first stanza was definitely the strongest. I want to know more about the colors, the fan, and the stains. I see it but I want to see what's around it and what it's good for.
I want to feel this warmth and the wind, and sit in the window with you, but this version is too internal. Show me where you sit. Show me what you see out the window. Show my how the wind affects you. Bring it closer to me by comparing it to things I've already experienced, so I can really feel like I am knowledgeable enough to know what you're feeling as you sit in that window. Don't keep it to yourself!
Let me know if you have any questions.
Hannah
First off, I liked your poem. It was well written and sweet. But it was too short, as in length of lyrics and verses. You should lengthen it more, and be more descriptive. You need imagery in your poem. Also, you need to put more emotion in the words. Grab your readers by the hand and take them for a ride. I felt nothing while reading your poem. I congratuate you on your excellent spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Really, it was a nice poem. It just needs more.. zing
- Ariel.