Memory music,
we were swaying once away,
skimming our feet through the staffs.
We spun and sidestepped,
sweeping the air with our flickering bodies.
We were crooning the notes,
washing our world like a water-color.
We tangled and rippled,
our end pulsating my ears.
Notes trilled over one another
as I took a breath.
If only I could have taken you
with me on all my memories.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,494 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
This is a very pretty poem, as I have noticed all of your poems are! I think I'm just going to pick at this a little bit, so bear with me.
Why do we need a comma here? I'm not aiming to be insulting -- I am asking an honest question. Is memory music the audience of the poem? If not, I'd recommend removing it, as unnecessary punctuation can really detract from a poem.
Were you swaying when you were finally away, or did you sway once, then you were away? Again, I am a little confused by your wording. I might look deeper into your word choice here.
Wait, why were your bodies flickering? Fireflies are the only animals I can think of who flicker. I almost feel as though you threw the word in for appeal, because it sounds nice on the tongue.
A water-color painting, I'm assuming. Be clearer here.
I'm not sure, but I think it would either be "our ends" or "my end."
I love the last two lines or your poem, and they definitely sum up the rest of it nicely. I hope you'll take my advice and work to improve this already fabulous poem!
To Mizzle: A staff is a musical term.
Hi there, Hibiscus!
Overall:
Whoa, this is a pretty good poem you have here, if I do say so myself. I like that it's not cliche, and you really wrote this quite well. The whole idea of this poem is quite beautiful, and I'm glad you pulled it off the way you did.
Nice work.
-Mizz-