((Been wanting to write a poem about a window sill, lol. I got the idea and then had all these different poem ideas hit me. The original window sill idea was different, but I got another idea while in the shower and wrote this. Hope you like it. Please feel to comment and/or critique. ^~^))
It is another start
when there are still
stars raining at my windows,
and the world
is like colored charcoal dust.
I tiredly dress myself in skin,
pulling it taut around my points
and stretching it loose
in the corners.
Then I comb back my heart beats,
so that they may cocoon
in the threads of my hair.
Next I am wash my sour bones,
whimpering in animalistic ways,
and lick my wounds in pride.
It is another start
when I look back and forward,
while sitting at my window sill;
the world
is like something of a wish.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey there!
This poem was alright. It would be better if you kept with the windowsill theme, or at least had a legitimate reason as to why you went of on wild acid-like tangents. The imagery in the last half of the poem is great, it just doesn't relate to a windowsill at all.
People usually see a windowsill as the opening up to the world, the opening up the nature. It's the door from being cooped up inside to being free outside. What you say in the poem has nothing to do with nature. You seem to be writing about how you 'put on a face', as in you change your appearence, for when you look out the windowsill. This doesn't really go well with me. Because to me it sounds like you are changing yourself for those who look in, rather than changing yourself for looking out.
Instead of your speaker seeing the world, they are caring about how the world sees them. And I hate poems like that. However I do not hate your poem. I think that if you put a bit more thought into the message that this gives off to readers, that you'll change it a bit. I think you could say something like the main character is preparing her/himself for the world. They are preparing their hair, their bones, their their skin, like they are preparing for war by placing armor on themselves.
The number one thing I don't like about this poem is that I think you don't really know what you're saying in this. I think you know what you want to say, but it's not coming off right.
Read it, tweak it.
Keep on keeping on,
Classy
Hi! I think your poem starts out with a lot of promise. I love how you describe the night in the first stanza. Beautiful! However, I don't really get the rest of the description. Yeah, it sounds good, but the bit about putting your skin on and licking your sour bones... sounds a bit gross. I think the rest of the poem is really uplifting and with slightly different description, could be made even more uplifting. I like how you repeated "it is another start." And as pointed out before, the "am" in the fourth stanza needs to be deleted because it doesn't make sense, so be sure to check your work thoroughly. Perhaps some of the description isn't to my taste, it just sounded a little strange to me. Very good apart from that, though!
Nix the adverb. Adverbs are to be used sparingly in prose, and even moreso in poetry, as they tend to weaken what they describe via a padding effect. Rather than rely on a single adverb to portray how tired the narrator is, show it to the reader with vivid imagery. Not only will it be more interesting to read, but it will also make your poem more easily visualized.
Say what? This line makes no sense.
For the most part, you have a good start for creative images, but, and that is a big "but", you don't follow through on them as well as you could. Instead, you leave the reader hanging, wondering just how that image is even possible, and toss another un-/barely related image at us.
I suggest that you take the time to expand upon the images you have in here. Show us how they are possible, and also how they relate to one another.
Also, you seem to have an aversion to compound words? "Window sill" should be "windowsill". Likewise "heart beat" should be "heartbeat".
Wow...I really like this. ^_^ Well, obviously. 'Cause I don't comment on stuff I don't like. No need to be mean, and all.
First of all, my favorite lines:
I love those lines so, so, so much.
I do think though that one part gets a little awkward:
Because you've been in straight-forward present tense up to this point, saying things like , but here you break out of it with "am washing," etc. I think it would flow more nicely if you said "Next I wash my sour bones,/whimpering in..." Like, the rest of the stanza is fine, it's just that first line that seems awkward. But of course, your choice.
Once again, I really liked this (especially that first stanza!) and I hope you keep writing so I can read more!
-Blue
P.S. Of COURSE this idea came to you in the shower! That's where all our best ideas come from.