All around me
the world stays the same.
They decided my
handshake was too short and too weak.
And because
my shoe-tips were scuffed from
tripping over too many side-walks,
they decided
it was time for me
to change.
Off I went, was sent,
with eyes downcast,
and trudging along...
They put me in a hospital
where they straightened my spine,
in hopes that it
would snap some sense
into my brain.
They fixed my eyes
to no longer look down,
and pretty soon
I grew blind by their light.
Off I was sent, I went,
with half of me gone,
and trudging along...
They placed me in desk rows
and burnt my tongue,
in hopes that my
vocabulary would be cleaner.
They moulded my mind
to a point
where I
could no longer think
what I wanted to think.
And after they polished me,
dressed me in my best,
their smiles grew
all around.
When they were done with the change,
they gave a round of applause
and put me back into
society
again.
And off I went, was sent,
with all of me gone,
and moving along...
All around me
the world stayed the same.
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138,198 Literary Works • 672,081 Reviews
So I really liked this. I really did. You could possibly add a little imagery, but you already have some nice ones there. I especially like "snap some sense into my brain". I could hear the spine snapping. And I also like "burnt my tongue". I think the harsher your imagery in this piece, the more effective. Those two are pretty gruesome, but they work. Maybe sneak in a few more of the same kind? I don't know, just a suggestion. You're the poet here. But I liked it. Good work!
Keep on writing!
You had a wonderful piece up until the middle, where it lagged in conviction and emotion, but afterwards got better. This theme gives you an opportunity to really convey despair, loneliness, isolation, acceptance or depression; you should expand on that even more, given the chance. Although, the simplicity of it, and the shortness of the lines made it quite abrupt and very good to read - it was almost like a little mantra, with the added repetition. Good job, keep writing.
I liked the overall feel and meaning (as i took it) of the poem. I think the last few stanzas there lost the conviction, timing and rhythm starting with "to a point where I could not think what I wanted to think." the repetition threw me. I would revise that. Great idea for a poem, very original way of going about it as well.