(So... I edited it. Don't know it's any better than the original, but please comment if you will~~~)
Too dense to carry.
My clasp is still strong enough.
I will always cling with fire,
but it will never suffice the craving, the ardor I feel with you.
And though they say that love is vulnerable,
my love blazes brighter than the stars.
With you I cannot cry,
and without you I cannot sleep.
When I cry and when I sleep,
my tears will be glass, and my dreams will be of you.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Hey, I really liked this! I think I liked this mostly because it sounds so..... true, for lack of a better word lol. I also like the concept of glass tears! Just the title gives me a good visualization. The thing that would really put me over the top is if it like rhymed and had more of a rhythm. But I still love it this way! So
I thought this poem was a bit bland for my taste, but it could be great. I agree with what some of the others said about the abstract imagery. It does not really help here, and only confuses the reader. I can see where you come from with this, but it needs changing.
I think I understand here what you are trying to say, but it is too vague. Elaborate on this and it will set up for the next line.
This sounds like a desperate person speaking, but not in pain, in a self indulgent cry. Use these two lines to show how blazing fury meets with true sadness to create your glass tears, frozen between hatred and acceptance with glass.
I like these lines, but they seem out of place, not desperate like in the last lines, but they seem to show a contradiction to me. Crying with tears of glass, with love and fury does not mix. Unless you are not mad and you are just depserate for this person, like an addict for their drugs.
Good stanza, but confusing. From what i have said before and what I observe is just a desperate person crying for someone to come and hold them. I am sure you worked hard on that poem and I do not mean to be offensive, but this does need some major work. I see a few glimpses of greatness here, but overall it was only average and confusing. The words must have more sizzle, and substance, so elaborate on what you have. I have mentioned this in one other critique of someone else and it has happened to me, but you have a skeleton here, an outline of something that has potential. Good luck with poem and keep writing.
This poem is sweet and simple. It sounds like you wrote from the heart
Keep up the good work ^.^
Hi,
Your imagery is great and your last two lines are really beautiful. It flows very well.
I'd cut the more abstract phrases, which focus on the speaker's internal reality, for example "My love blazes brighter than the stars"-try to make it specific, and make the reader feel it. What does not being able to sleep feel like? You don't have to include all this but I'd definitely explore it-be able to feel and see it for yourself and then try to make the reader see and feel it in your next drafts. I feel like you get this across in the first and last two lines and then you get distracted by fire and love.
The best thing you can do for your poetry is read poetry. Anthologies are a great starting point.
Hope this helps,
Jas
I wasn't crazy about this poem, but the last two lines were beautiful. They were its redemption, at least for me. Overall, a decent poem with an excellently written ending.