My stone is lonely. Its surface is coarse like the fabric of my clothing.
My heart is seedless. It cannot keep up with the time that passes.
How many blades of grass have grown, and how many have to die?
If forever is to count them, then I have been here far too long.
My mind is difficult. It does not understand what it is to forgive heartlessness.
My voice is projection. Seeping on an open sea of blossomed flavor, and a thousand words.
How many times have flowers been laid to rest, and how many more will follow?
If summer sweetly sings of poetry, then I have been to see you for only seconds.
My grave is speechless. 'cause no one comes to visit me anymore, and no one is here in my arms.
My smile is empty. It's the space between myself and my life that misses you the most.
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140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hi, Hibiscus! Love that username, by the way. I'll get right down to it. My issues with this poem stems from the annoying repetition of the lines here. It's not rhythmic, and it's a bit lazy, diminishing the creativity of the writing by forcing in a set repeating structure. Here are a few other nitpicks.
The simile here is quite awkward. It comes from nowhere and doesn't really seem to belong in the piece...
The bolded section is nice, it's a flash of brilliance in this piece.
I don't understand why you used a colloquial version of "because" in this poem. There's no explanation or sound reason for why it would be used, other than to make it fit the rhythm, which is lazy.
The title is also kinda blah. Overall, the piece is interesting, and it shows some flashes of potential. But the repetition just needs to be axed immediately! Thanks for the read.
Hiya Hibiscus. I like this a lot! I'm not very good with poetry so I like to read it from people who can. I love the flow and it doesn't seem forced (sometimes if I try then mine does.)
I hope you write more I'd be happy to review it!
~Ladypurple
Hey Hibiscus!
Just give me a minute *turns around while saying 'OMG!'*. This poem was truly fantastic! I have reviewed quite a number of poems (82 to be exact) and this is by far my favourite. It had so much emotion that it truly made me feel happy inside. It isn't structured like a normal is but you make up that with the words you use. I loved how you started each sentence with a description or metaphor. It gave a sense of feeling as to what the character it feeling. Excellently written! I do hope that this goes far. Nothing bad to say which is quite weird because I usually pick out small things.
Fantastic work! Keep up the good work on this marvelous Reviewing Day!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
OMG Hibiscus, its CaptianRandom,
I LOVED THIS POEM 10/10, its was great I'm speechless in a good way.... i loved the theme and the description. OMG i just cant say anything else, to me true genius.!!! you are a grate writer and i hope to read more of of your stuff.
KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK.
-CaptianRandom
Mizzle is right about your structure. I agree with what she said. You poem is free verse but it still needs some kind of structure. It's like you're just listing stuff in the poem instead of writing a poem. I really liked this line though:
My heart is seedless.
Seedless is a really good way to say it's dead and can't make anymore life from it. That's what I like about this poem. The way you're writing about someone who is dead is really cool.
I think if you tried writing about an image instead of just talked about stuff in a list this would make a better poem. Like if you described the grave and the gravestone and how it all represents the death and emptiness. I can't explain myself very well, sorry. I hope this review helped though.
Hi there, Hibiscus.
Let's take a moment to look at your structure of this poem, alright? There are various ways to structure your poem, as there are many types of poetry - freeverse, haiku, quintain, diamonte, etc. I think your poem falls under the category of freeverse, but as to the structure, I don't like it - at all. This may be the cause of the fact that, at the moment, it looks for like a messed-up paragraph than it does a poem. These are just sentences, lined up, and you are calling it a poem. I would like this much more if you changed the form. Go ahead and experiment with other structures, find out what looks and reads the best.
Now, on the actual work - I think this has potential. Your main problem was indeed the structuring. If you fix that, the whole poem will become a whole degree better. At the moment, the beautiful words are obstructed.
Work on this.
-Mizz-
I like this poem, very interesting. I've never read a poem from the perspective of a dead person. The descriptions were good, and so were the emotions. I have nothing bad to say about this unique, compelling, emotional poem. Good luck with your writing and keep up the good work~bluewaterlily.
I like this a lot. It was very well written and I like how you wrote it. I really could feel emotion that went into this piece and that's what made it so good for me
I can't think of anything bad to write about this, so good job XD